Monday, April 28, 2008


Cannot bring myself to blog but...want to let you know that my husband filed for divorce today. I truly thought God would get ahold of him and he would seek counseling before throwing his family away. I am struggling with where is God in this, how will I/we make it and then "knowing" God is in the middle of it all.

I am just so incredibly sad. I know (at least I thought I did) that God told me He would bring beauty from ashes in my marriage. Maybe He didn't mean He would keep it together, just that there would be beauty.

I am one confused, hurting, disappointed, broken-hearted girl.

Please pray, I know you will.


Thursday, April 24, 2008

Quick Post

UPDATE: Well, it is now Saturday night and no word from Don to ask the kids to church, but we'll continue to pray. This is all in God's timing, not mine. Thanks for all of your comments and emails!

Hi everyone. This is going to be quick and to the point. If you've been following along you know that my husband has left the home and is going to file for divorce. You also know that the kids have refused to see him, it's been over 2 months. Don (my husband) MIGHT call and ask the kids if he can take them to church. (most of you also know this is something I cannot do because of my illness) So....

Please pray that he would call and ask the kids. Pray they are receptive. They have been praying for their dad, so they really need to go with him whether they want to or not. It does not matter his motive for doing this...

I beg for your prayers.

With a grateful for heart,

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Walking or Not

This isn't a post I have put any thought into, it is just going to come out however it sees fit. This is 3 weeks now that I've been bed-ridden (for those who are new, for lack of a better description for you, I have chronic vertigo). Anyway, it is now so bad that people are in and out of my house most of the day and someone is staying at night. I am far too weak to get in and out of bed without help.

Well, yesterday, I completely lost it! I had a really bad "whirl" and they are scary. That just set off an emotional roller coaster. I am frustrated and completely discouraged that I have no progress in my condition in a year. Yes, that's right, it's been almost a year since I have had to give up my life and fight against this condition. (I know others have way worse things, but for me this is hard) I am frustrated with the Lord, I guess. I know He can take this away at any time. I know he can at least give me progress so that I can be a mom to my kids. But for reason, he keeps saying no or not yet. I have also been second guessing the decision of my husband and I separating. (my mom reminded me, however, that is probably Satan trying to get the best of me) There were no options but to separate, but I've been doing all the what-ifs in my head.

I am here alone with the kids. Yet not alone at all. My parents are amazing, friends, strangers who care. And I have to keep reminding myself that I am never alone. God is always with me even though I may not feel it. Go back to the Word and the Word says He will never leave us. I must stand on the truth not on my feelings. (easier said than done) I want to believe that I will one day walk again, play again, be "fun mom" again. Right now I feel deep sadness. But I guess that's okay, it's all a part of the grieving process. I am losing many different things at the same time. The loss of my life as I knew it and learning to live in my "new normal" would be enough. But I am also grieving what might be the end of a marriage.

Father, you came to bind up the brokenhearted. I am brokenhearted right now. You came to set the captives freedom. I am already walking in that freedome, don't let Satan take back any ground. You came to bring beauty from ashes and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. Fill me with your praise, bind up my heart and let's walk the freedom road together.

John 13:7Jesus answered and said unto him,"What I do you do not realize now,but you shall understand hereafter."

Friday, April 18, 2008

Be Thankful for Your Chores

Today I was reading someone's blog (who will remain nameless) and she was lamenting about all the chores and errands she has to do. She feels overwhelmed by them all. I can relate, or at least I used to be able to do. I wanted to comment to her that she should be grateful for all those chores and the ability to do them. But I thought I would come across as condemning. And that would never be my intention. But at any moment the ability to do that which we hate, can be taken away from us. Oh to scrub a toilet...

Then I was reading on another favorite blog that she was telling everyone to clean out their fridge door. Oh my...this has been a humbling week for me when it comes to people coming into my home and helping in the kitchen. The other night my daughter, Ellie, yelled in to me "hey mom, is the bread supposed to be all swollen" GROSS!!! "No, Ellie, just throw it away". Now today someone is cleaning the fridge and found green hot dogs and lunchmeat. It's not like one of my kids couldn't have seen that for themselves and thrown it away. Oh no, they need to make sure that I am totally humilifed (my word) in front of someone I don't really know.

However, this woman that God has brought into my home to help out, she is going to be such a blessing. So she may as well get to know me, green food & all and realize I am just an ordinary mom that needs a little extra help. I don't believe she knows my Jesus, so that's probably why she is here. God has her here for a bigger purpose. Not just to cook, clean, be my own personal "Martha Stewart", but to hopefully notice that there is something about me and my house that she finds different (not green food, but Jesus).

So not to condemn anyone for complaining about your chores, but I would trade places with you in an instant. You're fortunate to be able to do all that I used to complain about. One day, God willing I'll be complaining again....oh, no I won't, I'll be giddy for all the things on my "to do" list that I am actually able to do!!

P.S. I start a new med tomorrow, pray with me that this brings some relief and I can get some of my life back.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Keep Refining...

I read other's blogs on a daily basis. And I realize how much fun everyone else is having!! My blog seems like such a downer. I know it's my life right now but I need to bring some joy into it. As many of you who have been following along know, I have "complained" about being forgotten. Those people who you think would surround you in your time of need, have just not been there. However, God has brought a whole new batch up of people.

Well...after all my "complaining", all of a sudden women are coming out of the woodwork to help out. Someone is organizing my grocery shopping, house cleaning, meals, etc. AND we have had more food brought into this house in the past 5 days then we could ever even begin to eat. Freezer is full. We've already had one dinner brought tonight and another is on its way. When it rains, it pours but I cannot complain about that. However, some of the food...well I just have to wonder? Boy I sound ungrateful but let's just say my parents have gotten loads of leftovers in the last couple of days. They are enjoying the overflow of less than fabulous food. They don't seem to mind.

I love the heart of a woman that is willing to pitch in. Even if it's not edible (ha) Because there are so many who say with their words that they will help but then nothing....I am trusting God that He will heal me and I will get to be a blessing. For now I pray for the needs of others since I can't meet those needs and know that's what He's called me to.

Am I the only one who has a hard time praying for myself though? It seems as things get worse and worse, I just can't even find the words to pray. That is when I am SO glad for the body of believers who pray. And for Jesus, our intercessor, who goes before the Father on our behalf. He knows our needs better than we do. Sometimes I just cry out the name of Jesus because that's all this heart can muster, but I know HE knows.

Wow I started out talking about how much fun everyone else is having on their blogs and here I am with another deep post. Oh well, this is what I have been given for now. To record this journey and that's what I'm doing. Hoping and praying that one day I will be posting that He has brought beauty from ashes. Obviously there are still some things that need the refining fire.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

I know I need to write. From the comments and the emails I've gotten I know people have felt my pain and are truly lifting me up in prayer. I am grateful. In my last post, when I said I felt like I was 9 again, I meant it was that "feeling" of thinking God isn't listening to me. I KNOW He is and I'm telling satan to leave me alone because it does not matter what I feel it matters what I know. And I know God listens and I know He loves me

I led Breaking Free 6 times (do you see a pattern?). It was through this study that I finally realized God's love for me. I am not going back on that. I am NOT starting over. God seems to be silent right now in the area of my health and in the area of my marriage, yet I know He is working. I've read recently about the account of Lazarus' death and how Jesus could have gone right away to his home. Yet he waited. Mary and Martha wondered why would he wait, He could have come. If He had come, Lazarus wouldn't have died. In my reading it was pointed out how in Jesus waiting he was able to do something greater, bigger, than simply healing Lazarus. Jesus is into doing big things. I am believing Him that He loves me, that He is working on my behalf, that His eyes have not left me even for a moment, and that He leaves me in poor health for a greater purpose.

The days are long when I am bed-ridden. Lord, help me to spend those days in prayer instead of pity. Filled with joy instead of jealousy. Anticipating the unexpected and the miraculous. May I pray big prayers, faith filled prayers! May you continue to work in Don's life. Whatever that takes. Give me the strength for the journey. Thank you for the "bloggers" who have picked up the cause with me to fight for my marriage. Amazing!

Lord, thank you for all the ways you have said "I love you" in the past few days! They have come in some funny and unusual ways, but I know it's you. From a freezer full of meals, to a donation for David's mission trip, house cleaning, Bible study in my home, phone calls, emails and comments from women I will never meet. Thank you, Lord and I love you too!

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

I Feel Like I'm 9 Again

When I was a little girl my dad was diagnosed with leukemia. I prayed that God would heal my daddy and let him live. But He didn't. When I was 9, my dad died. And so did the part of me that believed that God heard and answered prayers. For a 9 year old it's hard to see that there might be "good" that could come out of your dad dying, all I saw was that God said "NO".

All of my life I have struggled to believe that God really loved ME and that he listened to ME. I could believe it for everyone else but I seemed so inconsequential. And I would go back to that January day that I was told that my daddy was in heaven with Jesus and I'd think "see, God didn't hear me, He didn't care".

I kind of feel that way again now. Why aren't you listening to me Lord? Why do you keep saying no to me? Why don't you care about me? Why does it all have to be so hard? I know, I know, in my head I know that He is listening but there's this part...this little girl that is saying "make it all stop, make it all better...PLEASE!!!!"

Don, my husband, (we're separated) called and said he wants to see an attorney. The marriage is over as far as he is concerned. And I'm screaming "Are you kidding me, Lord? This is the way you are answering me? WHY?" I feel like I'm doing all the right things. Seeking counseling, praying for Don, for the marriage, blah, blah, blah and this is what I get! For once I thought God was going to do what I asked and heal my marriage. If you're reading this you're probably thinking God doesn't do what we tell Him, He does what is best. I know this. But right now it just hurts, it is killing me. Tomorrow may bring something new, but right now all I feel is pain. And abandonment. By Don. And by God.

Lord, I'm sorry. Somewhere in my head I know better than to feel these things but I just can't help it right now. I was so sure you told me you'd bring beauty from ashes and you still might but I've got to go through this first. I'm just tired. Tired of loss. Tired of pain. Tired of feeling "less than". Tired of being let down. Tired.

I need to know (to feel) that you hear me Lord. To know (to feel) that you love me Lord! Lord, I beg for restoration in my marriage. Stop him before it's too late. I beg for healing in my body. I ask you to be near to the kids and help them to open up and feel secure. I pray that they would never feel the way that I do, that you don't listen and that you don't care. Be real to them! Give them hearts to love you. Give me a heart to love and to know you. I may have to start all over.......I feel like I'm 9 again!

Monday, April 7, 2008

My Focus

I haven't felt much like writing. But I usually find those are the times that I need to write the most...when I don't feel like it. I've been basically stuck in my bed since last Wednesday (that would be 6 days) because my symptoms have been so bad. Those make for some very long days! A friend came by last night, because she just knew I was feeling down and overwhelmed, but boy did she get to hear me rant. I feel let down by everybody. Nobody can possibly understand. And then I get to hear about everyone's trips, or complaints about their husbands, or issues with all the errands and chores they have to run. Give me a break. Count your blessings that you have "things to complain about"!!

Alrighty then....doctors are going to switch my meds again which means another round of weaning myself off of this one, being totally med free for several days, starting a new med and waiting 4 weeks to see if the next one works. I'm grateful for my doctor at Northwestern that he is not giving up, it is just a long process and at times frustrating. I ask God why He doesn't just heal me when I know He can. But He doesn't answer. This is certainly not the worst thing that could ever happen to someone but right now it feels like it to me. And it is hard to do it alone. (I know, I know, I have the Lord...but I mean someone here with me)

Kids went back to school today. Now they'll be counting down the days until summer vacation. I actually look forward to the relaxed atmosphere of summer and not really having a schedule. We live so close to the beach that they spend almost every waking moment there with their friends and they love it! I don't know if they realize how fortunate they are to have such a beautiful beach that close. You know how you take something for granted when you grow up with it?

Kind of like my relationship with Jesus. I grew up with Jesus always in my life. My home was Christ centered. My dad served as the dean at two different colleges in the suburbs of Chicago. So Jesus was just a part of my life. I accepted Him as my Savior when I was around 6 and I think I took Him for granted, like my kids take the beach for granted. Glad He's there, assume He will always be there, sure is nice to have around...but didn't really appreciate all He had done for ME until I really got to know Him for myself and boy am I glad I did. I want to make sure my kids get to know Jesus for themselves not just through their mommy. The beach won't always be there but Jesus will.

I love you, Lord! Help me today to be grateful for even the smallest of things. May I focus on you and not on me. Focus on what I can do and not on what I can't. Give me a heart of mercy toward those who mean well but just can't fulfill what I need them to. Bring your healing -bring it on!!

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Happy Anniversary?

Yep, today I (we) have been married 17 years! Unfortunately since we are separated there won't be any celebrating but I'm still praying for restoration. Ya know, beauty from ashes...God can do it but there may be a lot of pain and struggle along the way.

Beautiful day today. Sunny. Warm. (well, it is Michigan, 50's are warm around here) Ellie went for 9 minutes of tanning and is now laying out on the trampoline. It makes it feel much warmer when you're laying out on a big black mat!! Only one more day until we're back to school and she's gotta squeeze in all the sun she can. She's a girl after my own heart. I'd be out there too, if only I could!

I've been thinking a lot about people letting people down. They have good intentions (I know I've blogged about this before, so forgive me) but they don't have follow through. I don't have follow through either. We are all going to let each other down. I understand that. But there are times when we are truly dependent on others for our needs and they are not there. (my family - parents, brothers, sis-in -laws have always been there) We attend a huge church and you would think in a church that size that we should be able to meet the needs of one another, especially once the needs are known. Maybe it's because of the size of the church. If we were in a smaller church, it might feel more like family, people wouldn't assume that someone else is already taking care of it, etc. I don't mean to be doggin' everybody but I want to be different once I'm well. I want to be a person that will be there for those that can't "do" for themselves.

My mother-in-law is still having chemo every single Monday morning. She has breast cancer. Double mastectomy last spring and then a year of chemo. She is almost done. Have I been there for her? NO! Now I could say that it's because I've not been well, but would I have been then for her otherwise. I don't think so. I don't like that about myself. There are a lot of things that God is revealing to me that I don't particularly care for. I sit, He shows me, we work on it together and I hope to be different.

Is it a Happy Anniversary? No. But it is my anniversary. 17 years ago I made a commitment to Don until death do us part and I will keep that commitment. Lord, help me!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Praise Him in the Storm

Yesterday I stopped talking about us and focused on others. Today I feel sorry for myself again. Then HE reminded me of how He answered those prayers for others. Tricia has her new lungs! Can you even believe it? Unimaginable that if she stays infection and rejection free she will eventually take a deep breath (easily) for the first time in her life. God answered.

David and Christin - they are home from the hospital and looking toward the future with great anticipation of the joy that lies ahead. Her blog today was filled with humor and news of David's spirits being lifted. AMEN!

Little Lauren seems to be making progress after taken a terrible beating at the hands of her babysitter! God is answering prayer. I said I was taking a day off from wallowing in my issues to focus on others and God came through in mighty ways. Yet I find myself feeling sorry...for me!

It is probably because I am very symptomatic. For those of who are new and don't know the whole situation - long story short is I have a chronic equilibrium problem. Some would say it is chronic vertigo. But it isn't terrible spinning all the time but it is a sense of never having complete balance. It affects each and every aspect of my life. Some days are just way worse than others and this is one of those day. So I feel sorry. And I don't want to, I want to praise God for the miracles He is performing! (Can't help it, but I want a miracle for myself too)

Today I also feel for my kids. They don't complain but I know they wish they had their "fun" mom back. (oh yeah, I was fun) But I also feel blessed because they rally around me and give me a lot of help and support. Our family is broken apart right now. With the illness and the separation. It's all so much for the kids, yet they amaze me. I am going to continue to pray for complete restoration: for my body, for my marriage, for this family........

Okay, enough about me and the all the depression. Yuck, I hate it when I get that way. As I've said before we are the ONLY ones who stayed home for spring break (according to my daughter) so I told her I would take her tanning. I called the other day to see when we could get in and talked on the phone for quite a bit and got us both appts at 6:30 (oh yes, I was gonna make myself walk in there, anything for vanity). Anyway, I got off the phone and said to Ellie, "she said we can come at 6:30". Evidently Ellie could hear the conversation because she is like "that was a he, mom, that was NOT a she". Are you kidding me? So the rest of the day we've got this bet going about the he/she at the tanning salon. Oh yea, Ellie won. Guy alright!! I needed a good laugh, probably really isn't funny, but these days, I'll take anything I can get.

There is a storm all around this family right now but God is not surprised by it. We will praise Him in it! There is much to praise Him for. If you read, please leave a comment. I seriously can go days without much contact from the outside world. (wow I sound desperate!) And I am NOT used to that.

I don't know that I have ever come back and added to a post except to edit or update but I am compelled to come back. I am on the verge of a floodgate of tears! I am so tired of being sick. But I don't hear others complaining, why do I? My son keeps coming in my room with different foods from the fridge and reading off the "sell by" dates, asking if they are any good. I don't even have milk and no way to go and buy some. Sure I can pick up the phone and ask someone to go buy it but I just want to be well and do it myself!! It is a struggle to get to the kitchen and get myself food. I couldn't prepare a real dinner yet again tonight! I want my life back. But I'm pretty sure it's not going to happen so why can't I just accept it. There are people with far worse things who don't sit around feeling sorry for themselves. I just feel alone today, tonight and worn out!! That's it, I'm just worn out! Lord, please bring healing. I am begging that if you don't heal my body that you would heal my emotions and my broken heart. I think I need a really good cry first. Maybe I can fit that in tomorrow.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008


Today is not a day to talk about me. Today I ask you to pray for others.

  • Nate & Tricia - Tricia has cystic fibrosis and she might get new lungs today. You can read their story here. Please go there, read, and PRAY! EDIT: They just got the call, she's getting her lungs. Keep praying them through though.
  • EDIT #2: While Tricia is in surgery, go to his post from earlier today where he talks about his birthday and donating to his Great Strides funds and donate so Nate can reach his goal before Tricia comes out of surgery!

  • David & Christin - I've told you about them before. Please read their story here and PRAY! I know you'll love them.

  • Little baby Lauren - she was severely beaten by her babysitter. You can read about her here. I learned about her through another precious little girl and her family who you can read about here. (they also need your prayers)

Thank you for checking in. Tomorrow I will catch you up on what is happening on The Perch but for today I'd like to spend my time focusing on the needs of others. May the Healer bring healing!

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Happy April Fool's

April 1st? Can it be already? The kids only have 8 weeks of school left. I have "lost" almost a year of my life. But in losing that year I have gained so much! I truly believe my life will be better for having had this illness. And the lives of my children will be better. But this illness does not define me. I am kind of sick of writing about it, except that it does affect nearly every aspect of my life, so it's hard to write without including it.

The kids actually did not die at the counseling sesssion yesterday. As I knew, they actually like Laura and they really opened up. We have a LONG road ahead of us and counseling will be a crucial part of the healing, they just don't know it yet. They amaze me though, my kids. They are incredibly wise, insightful and thoughtful for being 12 and 15. Actually they are more wise, insightful and thoughtul than a lot of adults I know. Right now they need time to extend grace to their dad on their terms and we pray that they will want to meet with him and begin some healing. Don will be their dad for the rest of their lives, whether they like it or not. And their mom is still praying for full family restoration. (I know it will take a miracle, but my Father is a God of miracles. He loves to show off! And this would be a biggie.)

Ellie is going to the dentist today for a cleaning and she thinks because it is April Fool's Day that she will come out with all her teeth painted. How funny is that? I am waiting for the first prank that the kids pull on me. David is going for a haircut in a couple minutes, please don't come out with a shaved head. He has great hair!! Not all moms would approve. But I love it.

April Fool's. The dictionary says a fool is someone who lacks judgment or sense. That is not me. That will not be said of me or how I carry myself through this "separation". I will continue to pray God's healing and not believe the lies of the biggest fool! Satan, you have no place in this home. We are trusting God!