Chasing and Running. Running and Chasing. That's been the theme of my life hasn't it, Lord? Running from you and chasing after other things. Chasing things that do not satisfy and that leave me feeling empty. But at the moment they meet whatever need I think I have. They meet it quicker than I think You will or I wouldn't be chasing after them. I wouldn't be running AWAY from you, I would be running TO you if I thought you would really satisfy. Wow, the things I have chased in my life! And most of the time I have caught them and have paid a pretty big price. Odd that I had to chase them...even in that, You were trying to protect me from reaching them. I had to work to get them.
I ran to you as a child. With no reservation. Nobody had to coax me to believe You. I had that childlike faith and I loved you Lord. Everyone who talked to me got an earful about You and how they should love You. That changed so quickly when I felt that You had really let me down. Why was I so easily moved from my sure faith? Looking back I know it's because my roots hadn't had time to grow deep enough. I was still too young to really understand You and your sovereignty. How was I to know that through my dad's death you would do amazing things? How did I know that you really meant it when you said "all things work together for good"? Looking back I am so sorry that I began my running and chasing - what desperation I would have avoided!
Lord, I am still suffering consequences of that chasing. And you know...I am glad that there are scars. Otherwise I may have never learned the lesson. The lesson that You are the only One who satisfies. Not men, addictions, approval, being chosen, friends, living without boundaries, none of those things satisfied me! But I sure chased them. Chasing things that were off limits. Chasing things that would bring death. Chasing things that would lead to deep anguish. Chasing a life that I thought would bring healing and instead brought pain unspeakable.
BUT...You do satisfy. You did not give up on me. I ran. I chased. But You stayed right where you were waiting for my return. Grieving for what You had in store for me but letting me run and learn what I needed to learn. Without these lessons I've learned I would not be who I am today. Would I choose the same path again - no way. But thank you that You never stopped loving me. Lord please show me what True satisfaction is so that I will never again feel the need to chase after the lies.
Here's my life...it is Yours! You are in the process of making me whole again. Father, forgive all that chasing. I need to confess how many I must have caused to stumble because of my running and chasing. Many lives hurt along the way. None more than mine. But if You can bring beauty from this life it should be a testament to everyone that You really do satisfy. You love like no other! You are the meeter of ALL needs if we'll only let You. Lover of my soul - that is where I need to be satisfied, deep down in my soul.
May I stop chasing. Stop running. Unless I'm running to you.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
Pieces
Every time that I come here thinking I am finally going to be write something that will let you know how truly hysterical I am (and humble) God doesn't release me to do that. He and I are still on a very intense journey and that is the path He wants me to stay on for now. Trust me though, I really am hilarious!!
There are pieces of my life that I guess I am not letting God into. I am asking Him to show them to me. They need healing. As someone who "stuffs" things I think I'm doing fine and then...bam...I am overcome by some emotion I thought I had dealt with. Many of you are probably like me in that respect. Wondering, where did that thought or feeling come from? I thought that was taken care of. As I've said before, putting the band aid on it doesn't make it better, exposing it will be what brings healing.
Lord, you know what is in there. Get it out. I do not want to be in the same place spiritually a year from now. I truly do want to know, trust, love! Give me the desire to continue to know you better, so I'll trust you more and understand your love. It is unfathomable for my little mind. You have given me your Holy Spirit to help me to understand those things which are beyond me. Why do I take all that for granted Lord? Oh, I know we've come a long way and I am so grateful. But I know how much more you have for me. I want that peace and that joy and that contentment, that only You can give.
Broken pieces of my life...there are many. Sins, choices, suffering, loss, consequences. But you are putting them back together. You've shown me that. Help me to get out of the way and not to hinder your work in my life. That seems to come up over and over. Do not let me or my actions hinder what You are up to. I do not want to live in your permissive will but in your perfect will. Thank you for trusting me with this pain. You believe in me and you believe that we will come out stronger. You believe that I will be more of the child you created me to be. You're molding me and that's painful but Lord I want to say that I am willing to be willing.
Heal me Lord. The pieces. The pain. The doubt. The heartache. The sin. The brokenness. Just pieces, but in your hands...a Masterpiece. I love you Lord, thanks for taking this journey with me.
There are pieces of my life that I guess I am not letting God into. I am asking Him to show them to me. They need healing. As someone who "stuffs" things I think I'm doing fine and then...bam...I am overcome by some emotion I thought I had dealt with. Many of you are probably like me in that respect. Wondering, where did that thought or feeling come from? I thought that was taken care of. As I've said before, putting the band aid on it doesn't make it better, exposing it will be what brings healing.
Lord, you know what is in there. Get it out. I do not want to be in the same place spiritually a year from now. I truly do want to know, trust, love! Give me the desire to continue to know you better, so I'll trust you more and understand your love. It is unfathomable for my little mind. You have given me your Holy Spirit to help me to understand those things which are beyond me. Why do I take all that for granted Lord? Oh, I know we've come a long way and I am so grateful. But I know how much more you have for me. I want that peace and that joy and that contentment, that only You can give.
Broken pieces of my life...there are many. Sins, choices, suffering, loss, consequences. But you are putting them back together. You've shown me that. Help me to get out of the way and not to hinder your work in my life. That seems to come up over and over. Do not let me or my actions hinder what You are up to. I do not want to live in your permissive will but in your perfect will. Thank you for trusting me with this pain. You believe in me and you believe that we will come out stronger. You believe that I will be more of the child you created me to be. You're molding me and that's painful but Lord I want to say that I am willing to be willing.
Heal me Lord. The pieces. The pain. The doubt. The heartache. The sin. The brokenness. Just pieces, but in your hands...a Masterpiece. I love you Lord, thanks for taking this journey with me.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Are You Willing?
God is asking me that question. And as I try to stick my fingers in my ears and go "lalalalalala" that does not block Him out. The question is resounding in my spirit. Really what He has been saying to me is something along the lines of "why are you not still willing"? So easy for me to say whatever you want Lord, but far different to actually DO it.
Months ago I would have said I am willing to reconcile with Don. Not so sure about that any more - not that Don is asking. It's God that is asking me. He may not be asking that of me because it's going to happen but because my heart has moved from one of openness and obedience to HIS leading. "You used to be willing, why are not still willing?" Because my life feels better. Because there is less stress. Because I am selfish. Because I am afraid. Because I am...
Does not matter what my reasons may be, they are not okay with the Lord. I must stay open to His leading whatever that holds. We all must. And sometimes that leading takes us down a road we would just as soon not travel. What is He asking you to be willing to do? He may not ask you to do it, but are you willing? Is there someone out there that needs to be forgiven? Fear you need to set aside? Relationships that need mending? Habits that need to be set down? A comfort zone that needs to be walked out of? A dream that needs to be let go? Are you willing?
We say things all the time like "I believe He has plans to prosper me and give me a hope and a future". I believe "that all things work together for good". I believe "He would not allow this unless He can bring something better". I believe "He is trustworthy and loves me". Okay....we say them but do we believe them? If we truly believe them then we would be willing. I want to "stay willing". Oh Lord, that scares me. That means I say I am yours, I give up control, I will not hinder your will in my life or the lives of others. Yikes! That means I am not in control...and what a lie to think we ever really were. And that we could do it better than He who holds all things.
Be willing...He may not ask it of you or of me...but BE WILLING.
Months ago I would have said I am willing to reconcile with Don. Not so sure about that any more - not that Don is asking. It's God that is asking me. He may not be asking that of me because it's going to happen but because my heart has moved from one of openness and obedience to HIS leading. "You used to be willing, why are not still willing?" Because my life feels better. Because there is less stress. Because I am selfish. Because I am afraid. Because I am...
Does not matter what my reasons may be, they are not okay with the Lord. I must stay open to His leading whatever that holds. We all must. And sometimes that leading takes us down a road we would just as soon not travel. What is He asking you to be willing to do? He may not ask you to do it, but are you willing? Is there someone out there that needs to be forgiven? Fear you need to set aside? Relationships that need mending? Habits that need to be set down? A comfort zone that needs to be walked out of? A dream that needs to be let go? Are you willing?
We say things all the time like "I believe He has plans to prosper me and give me a hope and a future". I believe "that all things work together for good". I believe "He would not allow this unless He can bring something better". I believe "He is trustworthy and loves me". Okay....we say them but do we believe them? If we truly believe them then we would be willing. I want to "stay willing". Oh Lord, that scares me. That means I say I am yours, I give up control, I will not hinder your will in my life or the lives of others. Yikes! That means I am not in control...and what a lie to think we ever really were. And that we could do it better than He who holds all things.
Be willing...He may not ask it of you or of me...but BE WILLING.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Um...I Have No Idea
You all that have been with me over the past several months are used to me just coming here and spewing it out. That's what I'm doing again. No idea what to write yet feel compelled. I'm not sure how that works but here goes anyway.
I had two friends send books to me the other day. One is a real dear friend, the other one - well, not so much! (I am kidding, just want them to wonder which one they are). By the way I have never met either of them in the flesh. Isn't it amazing how God brings us friends that we may never meet this side of heaven? Anyway, both of these books happened to deal with loss and starting life over in your "new normal". Curious. I am several chapters into the one when I decide to just read the prologue of the other. Well what book do you think is quoted in that prologue - oh yes, the first book I am reading. Okay these kind of things have the tendency to freak me out. Like, God is literally yelling something at me and I better listen. So, I did what any reasonable woman would do and quickly slammed the book shut!
Out to my kitchen I went to do...well, nothing. And I said "okay God what are you trying to tell me, what am I missing?". I am pretty sure in my spirit He told me that there are areas I need to slow down in (the grieving process) and areas that I need to start moving forward in (my new normal). Well, they don't seem to go together but oddly I get it. My marriage is going to end (I know it's not over til it's over, but just go with me here) and I will be single. Something I have not been for a very very long time. That deserves a time of grieving and mourning. Truly to acknowledge the death of a dream and a life that I thought I would live. However, in acknowledging that I can move ahead in my "new normal". Make the plans that are necessary to be a single parent - especially one with limited physical abilities. Make the most of the life I have - it is sweet, it truly is a sweet life.
My "new normal" is one where I get to be attentive to my children more. They need me more than ever - even though they're older. They need me because they have hearts that hurt and question, but I am offered the opportunity to pour more into them. Because I'm home (all the time) they have me when they need me. I am the only disciplinarian in the house, that is not always a bad thing - embrace it. Even though single, God is providing more than our needs. I am grateful to Don for his generosity in that respect. This "new normal" means the kids ask things of the Lord they may never have had the need to ask. They can grow and learn things that most people never get the chance to learn. Sure it's through very difficult circumstances but let's look at these things as a blessing instead of a curse.
I loved my husband as best I knew how. God walked with me during some very difficult years yet continued to give me a love for Don. If it's over, I will know I did all I could. Single? Me? That is not something that sits well with me, but being single does not mean I am alone.
Mourning and rejoicing. How can they possibly go together? They can go together because God is in it. Right in the middle of each and every circumstance that comes my way. And that comes your way. I am sad yet I look expectantly toward the future knowing that my "new normal" won't be normal at all. It will be a life filled with the power of Jesus Christ! That is not normal!!
I had two friends send books to me the other day. One is a real dear friend, the other one - well, not so much! (I am kidding, just want them to wonder which one they are). By the way I have never met either of them in the flesh. Isn't it amazing how God brings us friends that we may never meet this side of heaven? Anyway, both of these books happened to deal with loss and starting life over in your "new normal". Curious. I am several chapters into the one when I decide to just read the prologue of the other. Well what book do you think is quoted in that prologue - oh yes, the first book I am reading. Okay these kind of things have the tendency to freak me out. Like, God is literally yelling something at me and I better listen. So, I did what any reasonable woman would do and quickly slammed the book shut!
Out to my kitchen I went to do...well, nothing. And I said "okay God what are you trying to tell me, what am I missing?". I am pretty sure in my spirit He told me that there are areas I need to slow down in (the grieving process) and areas that I need to start moving forward in (my new normal). Well, they don't seem to go together but oddly I get it. My marriage is going to end (I know it's not over til it's over, but just go with me here) and I will be single. Something I have not been for a very very long time. That deserves a time of grieving and mourning. Truly to acknowledge the death of a dream and a life that I thought I would live. However, in acknowledging that I can move ahead in my "new normal". Make the plans that are necessary to be a single parent - especially one with limited physical abilities. Make the most of the life I have - it is sweet, it truly is a sweet life.
My "new normal" is one where I get to be attentive to my children more. They need me more than ever - even though they're older. They need me because they have hearts that hurt and question, but I am offered the opportunity to pour more into them. Because I'm home (all the time) they have me when they need me. I am the only disciplinarian in the house, that is not always a bad thing - embrace it. Even though single, God is providing more than our needs. I am grateful to Don for his generosity in that respect. This "new normal" means the kids ask things of the Lord they may never have had the need to ask. They can grow and learn things that most people never get the chance to learn. Sure it's through very difficult circumstances but let's look at these things as a blessing instead of a curse.
I loved my husband as best I knew how. God walked with me during some very difficult years yet continued to give me a love for Don. If it's over, I will know I did all I could. Single? Me? That is not something that sits well with me, but being single does not mean I am alone.
Mourning and rejoicing. How can they possibly go together? They can go together because God is in it. Right in the middle of each and every circumstance that comes my way. And that comes your way. I am sad yet I look expectantly toward the future knowing that my "new normal" won't be normal at all. It will be a life filled with the power of Jesus Christ! That is not normal!!
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Aha! It's Peace
Is is possible that since I feel peace that satan is getting me to think there is something wrong with my relationship with God? Just occurred to me today. I'm not saying that there is not a struggle to pray...there is. BUT maybe I have misunderstood the peace I feel as a disconnect from the Lord, when really it is a gift from Him. I am grateful that I'm not an emotional wreck about my marriage. Yet I have been looking at that and thinking there is something wrong with me. God has given me peace about it!! Oh satan I am so tired of you and the ways you are trying to distract me from MY GOD and His purpose for my life. I'm tired of falling for it too, so I must be ready for battle and know what God has said to me and keep running to Him.
Peace is a good thing. Why have I seen it as anything other than it is. His Word says He will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast on Him (Isaiah 26:3). Why was I missing the promise. I've been intent on keeping my mind on the Lord and not my circumstances and He gave me peace. Man, I am a slow learner!! Many keep telling me not to settle for less than complete healing, that God wants it for me. As much as I appreciate that and understand that, it may not be what God has for me. So I am learning to be content. I'm not giving up on God, just trying to rest in the place He has me right now. (let me reiterate, I am LEARNING to be content...you will hear plenty of complaints in the future, I am sure)
Not being distraught over my marriage falling apart is nothing short of a miracle and a gift and once again I thought I was slipping. God is giving me peace in that as well. By no means am I saying that He does not want my marriage healed but He does want me to know His peace and I do right now. I am one who can obsess and think too much and let my mind wander to things it shouldn't. That has not been happening for me and I know that is only the Lord. Thank you for that! Oh what freedom to not be bogged down by being an emotional wreck. It's not that I don't care, it's not that I have given up, I'm just experiencing the promise of His peace.
How many times do we miss what God is giving us? This relationship between us and God is really quite simple, yet we make it harder than it was intended to be. We over analyze, question our faith, let satan weasel his way into our minds...Well I am done with that (at least for today, you know I am a woman and I'm sure I'll change my mind again) I will accept what God is giving me right now. He is giving me peace. My relationship with Him is not suffering. It is growing. It is alive. It is becoming what He always intended for it to be.
Lord, thank you for showing me today how I was believing the lies. I am in awe that you would be talking with me, yet you do that with each one of your children. Listen for Him, He is speaking. Listen only to His voice. It is still and it is small, so listen well.
Peace is a good thing. Why have I seen it as anything other than it is. His Word says He will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast on Him (Isaiah 26:3). Why was I missing the promise. I've been intent on keeping my mind on the Lord and not my circumstances and He gave me peace. Man, I am a slow learner!! Many keep telling me not to settle for less than complete healing, that God wants it for me. As much as I appreciate that and understand that, it may not be what God has for me. So I am learning to be content. I'm not giving up on God, just trying to rest in the place He has me right now. (let me reiterate, I am LEARNING to be content...you will hear plenty of complaints in the future, I am sure)
Not being distraught over my marriage falling apart is nothing short of a miracle and a gift and once again I thought I was slipping. God is giving me peace in that as well. By no means am I saying that He does not want my marriage healed but He does want me to know His peace and I do right now. I am one who can obsess and think too much and let my mind wander to things it shouldn't. That has not been happening for me and I know that is only the Lord. Thank you for that! Oh what freedom to not be bogged down by being an emotional wreck. It's not that I don't care, it's not that I have given up, I'm just experiencing the promise of His peace.
How many times do we miss what God is giving us? This relationship between us and God is really quite simple, yet we make it harder than it was intended to be. We over analyze, question our faith, let satan weasel his way into our minds...Well I am done with that (at least for today, you know I am a woman and I'm sure I'll change my mind again) I will accept what God is giving me right now. He is giving me peace. My relationship with Him is not suffering. It is growing. It is alive. It is becoming what He always intended for it to be.
Lord, thank you for showing me today how I was believing the lies. I am in awe that you would be talking with me, yet you do that with each one of your children. Listen for Him, He is speaking. Listen only to His voice. It is still and it is small, so listen well.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Touch the Hem
The phrase "touch the hem of His garment" has been going through my head on an almost continual basis. It is my first thought upon waking as well. So, Lord, what are you trying to teach me? Obviously it refers to the woman in the gospels with the issue of bleeding who touched the hem of His garment. But what does that have to do with me. She had this awful condition for 12 years and because of it was seen as unclean at all times. Can you imagine the loneliness! But she had determination and faith that day to press her way through that crowd just to touch His hem. What did she possess that I need to learn?
Do I believe in the power that Jesus possesses? Do I believe that He can heal? YES! I want to be close enough to Him to touch Him. When she touched Him...He knew it. So many others around Him had to be touching Him, yet when she did He knew it and said His power had gone out from Him. What was so special about her touch? So filled with desperation. Filled with faith. Filled with love and devotion. I wonder? I want to be made whole. And no I am not just talking about my physical healing and the deterioration of my marriage. I want to be whole and complete and content in Jesus alone.
I need to reach out and touch Him. Draw myself close enough. With determination I need to fight through what is holding me back and make my way to Him. Push away all that is getting in my way. People. Circumstances. Doubt. Sorrow. Fear. He is worth the fight to get to. HE is!! Oh to believe so strongly that if only I would draw close He will make me whole in ways I never even considered.
Lord, I know you're trying to show me something. Help me to fully understand what it means to touch the hem of your garment and then to cling to it. I don't want to touch it and go away, I want to cling. Grow up my faith, forgive my unbelief, give me the strength to fight through this battle. Thank you that you are waiting for me to reach out and touch, you aren't moving away from me to make it harder. You are in the same place knowing the gift you have for me if only I will reach out and touch the hem of your garment. What an amazing Savior your are!! I'm reaching out, Lord.
Do I believe in the power that Jesus possesses? Do I believe that He can heal? YES! I want to be close enough to Him to touch Him. When she touched Him...He knew it. So many others around Him had to be touching Him, yet when she did He knew it and said His power had gone out from Him. What was so special about her touch? So filled with desperation. Filled with faith. Filled with love and devotion. I wonder? I want to be made whole. And no I am not just talking about my physical healing and the deterioration of my marriage. I want to be whole and complete and content in Jesus alone.
I need to reach out and touch Him. Draw myself close enough. With determination I need to fight through what is holding me back and make my way to Him. Push away all that is getting in my way. People. Circumstances. Doubt. Sorrow. Fear. He is worth the fight to get to. HE is!! Oh to believe so strongly that if only I would draw close He will make me whole in ways I never even considered.
Lord, I know you're trying to show me something. Help me to fully understand what it means to touch the hem of your garment and then to cling to it. I don't want to touch it and go away, I want to cling. Grow up my faith, forgive my unbelief, give me the strength to fight through this battle. Thank you that you are waiting for me to reach out and touch, you aren't moving away from me to make it harder. You are in the same place knowing the gift you have for me if only I will reach out and touch the hem of your garment. What an amazing Savior your are!! I'm reaching out, Lord.
Friday, August 22, 2008
My Prayer
For those of you who have been with me, you know the struggle I am having with praying. You also know that this blog is somewhat my prayer journal. So I have decided to come here today and just pour it all out to God. Who knows how it will look but it'll be real. You're welcome to peek in on my prayer...
Oh Father I am in a bad place right now. I just looked at my Bible and thought that I should pick it up, but what to do with it. You know how I'm feeling like I am forcing this relationship between you and I. What is happening? Where did this come from? Have I shut you out from somewhere? Please show me because this is not where I want to be.
Did I stop having faith that you are watching out for me, that you are in control? Do I just speak the words that you wouldn't allow it, if you couldn't bring something better - but I don't really believe it? You know I am just spewing questions because I have no answers. I know the truth is that ALL things pass before you and you choose whether to allow them into my life. But just because I know that to be true does not really make it any more of a comfort to me. I still keep asking why are you leaving me like this? Why won't you take at least some of the symptoms away so that I could have a life? I don't get it. I want to be healed! I want to be involved with my kids. I know, I know...I don't have it nearly as bad as some, I know that but it doesn't change how I feel about my situation.
Lord, please know that I'm not questioning if you are all powerful and sovereign. I know you are, but I do wonder what is the purpose of me being like this. Show me yourself today Lord in a new way. Can you give just a glimpse of hope that I may get some of my old life back. I am glad to be rid of some of the busyness, time filled with worldly things and some of the things I used to choose to do to escape. But I want to get back out there and live life. Be a part of what's going on. Drive. I just want to drive. Wow, I sound pathetic to myself, do I sound that way to you too Lord?
If there is sin that needs confessing, reveal it. I don't mean that you're withholding healing because of sin, I am just wondering if that is why I feel such a disconnect from you. I do not want this relationship with you to be one of duty or obligation. It can be real and alive, I know that. Show me the way back. Get my attention when you are speaking to me and I don't realize it. Give me a renewed desire to be in your Word and to spend time with you. These are things I know you want as well, so I can be sure you will answer.
Lord, I pray for my family. For David and Ellie that you will give them hearts to love you. That you would become the most important one to them. You and I know they are hurting. From my illness and from Don leaving, but only you really see their hearts. I ask that you provide what or who they need. That you would bring healing to their souls that they do not even know they need. Make me the mom that they need. I love them Lord with everything in me. Thank you for blessing me with such amazing kids. I don't know why you were so good to me there but I love you for it.
You know I don't want to pray for Don so I ask that you raise up people who will. That you will give him the spirit of wisdom and revelation. That your will be done in our marriage. Wow, that's hard for me to say because I truly don't know if it will end or survive and you know my heart...I'm not even sure I want it any more. You understand my heart and the pain, so I know you don't fault me for feeling like that. But, Lord, if I need to be or do something I am not, please show me that. And then give me the strength to carry out what you ask.
I know you are good, holy, loving, just, merciful, full of grace, all powerful, the healer, life giver, burden bearer, the Truth, light, wisdom, creator, lifter of my head, the alpha and omega, the ONE TRUE GOD. I know you hear me when I cry out to you. That's what I'm doing, Lord. Crying out. Come to me and give me rest. Give me hope. A heart to love you. Desire to do what you ask and desire to be with you. I'm sorry for how that sounds. It seems like it should just come naturally out of a grateful heart, but right now it's just not there. And I'm sorry, Lord.
Thank you for loving me. For putting up with me through times like this. For being the only one who truly loves me and the only one who will never leave me. Thank you for your salvation that you would save a wretch like me and pursue me all these years. I don't know what you see in me but I'm glad you keep after me. I know this is all part of the process. We are too far in to go back now. Fire is still burning, I know you're still refining. But would you mind speeding it up a bit so I can learn the lesson and get back to living? ha. Love ya Lord Jesus, really I do!!
Oh Father I am in a bad place right now. I just looked at my Bible and thought that I should pick it up, but what to do with it. You know how I'm feeling like I am forcing this relationship between you and I. What is happening? Where did this come from? Have I shut you out from somewhere? Please show me because this is not where I want to be.
Did I stop having faith that you are watching out for me, that you are in control? Do I just speak the words that you wouldn't allow it, if you couldn't bring something better - but I don't really believe it? You know I am just spewing questions because I have no answers. I know the truth is that ALL things pass before you and you choose whether to allow them into my life. But just because I know that to be true does not really make it any more of a comfort to me. I still keep asking why are you leaving me like this? Why won't you take at least some of the symptoms away so that I could have a life? I don't get it. I want to be healed! I want to be involved with my kids. I know, I know...I don't have it nearly as bad as some, I know that but it doesn't change how I feel about my situation.
Lord, please know that I'm not questioning if you are all powerful and sovereign. I know you are, but I do wonder what is the purpose of me being like this. Show me yourself today Lord in a new way. Can you give just a glimpse of hope that I may get some of my old life back. I am glad to be rid of some of the busyness, time filled with worldly things and some of the things I used to choose to do to escape. But I want to get back out there and live life. Be a part of what's going on. Drive. I just want to drive. Wow, I sound pathetic to myself, do I sound that way to you too Lord?
If there is sin that needs confessing, reveal it. I don't mean that you're withholding healing because of sin, I am just wondering if that is why I feel such a disconnect from you. I do not want this relationship with you to be one of duty or obligation. It can be real and alive, I know that. Show me the way back. Get my attention when you are speaking to me and I don't realize it. Give me a renewed desire to be in your Word and to spend time with you. These are things I know you want as well, so I can be sure you will answer.
Lord, I pray for my family. For David and Ellie that you will give them hearts to love you. That you would become the most important one to them. You and I know they are hurting. From my illness and from Don leaving, but only you really see their hearts. I ask that you provide what or who they need. That you would bring healing to their souls that they do not even know they need. Make me the mom that they need. I love them Lord with everything in me. Thank you for blessing me with such amazing kids. I don't know why you were so good to me there but I love you for it.
You know I don't want to pray for Don so I ask that you raise up people who will. That you will give him the spirit of wisdom and revelation. That your will be done in our marriage. Wow, that's hard for me to say because I truly don't know if it will end or survive and you know my heart...I'm not even sure I want it any more. You understand my heart and the pain, so I know you don't fault me for feeling like that. But, Lord, if I need to be or do something I am not, please show me that. And then give me the strength to carry out what you ask.
I know you are good, holy, loving, just, merciful, full of grace, all powerful, the healer, life giver, burden bearer, the Truth, light, wisdom, creator, lifter of my head, the alpha and omega, the ONE TRUE GOD. I know you hear me when I cry out to you. That's what I'm doing, Lord. Crying out. Come to me and give me rest. Give me hope. A heart to love you. Desire to do what you ask and desire to be with you. I'm sorry for how that sounds. It seems like it should just come naturally out of a grateful heart, but right now it's just not there. And I'm sorry, Lord.
Thank you for loving me. For putting up with me through times like this. For being the only one who truly loves me and the only one who will never leave me. Thank you for your salvation that you would save a wretch like me and pursue me all these years. I don't know what you see in me but I'm glad you keep after me. I know this is all part of the process. We are too far in to go back now. Fire is still burning, I know you're still refining. But would you mind speeding it up a bit so I can learn the lesson and get back to living? ha. Love ya Lord Jesus, really I do!!
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Grieving Giving Getting
Feeling like I need to give an update. Clarify some things. There were a few of you out there really worried about me after reading my last post. With a title like "Grieving the Loss of my Life", I guess I can see why - ha!! It does sound a bit dramatic. But it is where I am in the process right now. Gotta go through the grief to get to the glory on the other side. Grief isn't always a bad thing either. It is cleansing and healing to truly grieve. If you've ever read my list of favorite movies, you obviously realize that I even do things that would intentionally make me cry. Nothing like a really good, loud, sobbing cry to make me feel better. (I think I'll go watch The Notebook right now)
But seriously, I am in a fine place just finding it hard to pray. Like so many of you commented or emailed, it is a place where most of us have found ourselves at one time or another. Thank you for standing in the gap for me while I am at a loss for words! Being honest about my marriage and how I feel about it was actually quite freeing for me. Because I know that GOD would want all marriages to be healed that was what I was praying for. Yet my heart wasn't in it. I was praying for it because I felt it was what I was supposed to do. Maybe that's when our prayers get blocked. They are not coming from our heart but from our head. My heart really says I don't want my marriage but my head says it's not okay to say that. This is between me and my God and He is praying on my behalf anyway. If my marriage is to be restored, God will do it and I will be obedient to His call.
So...after my last "less than cheery" post, I need to tell you of God's love and faithfulness. (As you know this is really my prayer journal -some of you just happen to be peeking in). Finally being honest before the Lord - which was praying - even though I felt like I couldn't pray, He lifted the cloud of darkness for awhile. That night I spent many hours with "my girls". I was a youth group leader for many years. Got them when they were 11 and they are now juniors in college. They came and made dinner, we ate and laughed, shopped online (yes, they made me purchase things from Forever 21) and had the best time I have had in months. God was showing me He will bless me even in the darkness. That's just who God is. We may feel like we're unable to talk with Him or feel distant from Him, but He never moves.
It's okay for me to grieve right now. I want my health back, I want to enjoy my life...but in the meantime I MUST see how the Lord is working. Cannot focus on my circumstances but on what God is doing through them. As I have mentioned here before, I facilitate a Christian forum where we do Bible study together. We share our lives, we "talk" in the chat, we pray, we sit back - amazed at what God is doing! He is doing great things and I am thankful He has allowed me to be a part of that. (and to get some great gifts from the women I have the privilege of facilitating !!) This is not meant to be a plug for that forum but if you find yourself wanting fellowship with other believers or wanting to join us in our next study, go to http://forums.delphiforums.com/siestas/start. I would love to meet you there.
When I wrote the last post I hesitated before pressing the publish button. So glad that I didn't hesitate for long. The truth needed to be exposed to the light so that He could start to bring healing. Satan wants me to keep those things inside, to feel badly because I am not praying, to feel like a fraud...but God knew how I was feeling already He just needed me to be honest with myself and with Him. Thank you Lord that you love me no matter what. Thank you that when I am weak you are strong. Thank you that you still use me even in my darkest hours. You amaze me! Truly you do. Not sure how it could be that you love like me do, but I sure am glad!
But seriously, I am in a fine place just finding it hard to pray. Like so many of you commented or emailed, it is a place where most of us have found ourselves at one time or another. Thank you for standing in the gap for me while I am at a loss for words! Being honest about my marriage and how I feel about it was actually quite freeing for me. Because I know that GOD would want all marriages to be healed that was what I was praying for. Yet my heart wasn't in it. I was praying for it because I felt it was what I was supposed to do. Maybe that's when our prayers get blocked. They are not coming from our heart but from our head. My heart really says I don't want my marriage but my head says it's not okay to say that. This is between me and my God and He is praying on my behalf anyway. If my marriage is to be restored, God will do it and I will be obedient to His call.
So...after my last "less than cheery" post, I need to tell you of God's love and faithfulness. (As you know this is really my prayer journal -some of you just happen to be peeking in). Finally being honest before the Lord - which was praying - even though I felt like I couldn't pray, He lifted the cloud of darkness for awhile. That night I spent many hours with "my girls". I was a youth group leader for many years. Got them when they were 11 and they are now juniors in college. They came and made dinner, we ate and laughed, shopped online (yes, they made me purchase things from Forever 21) and had the best time I have had in months. God was showing me He will bless me even in the darkness. That's just who God is. We may feel like we're unable to talk with Him or feel distant from Him, but He never moves.
It's okay for me to grieve right now. I want my health back, I want to enjoy my life...but in the meantime I MUST see how the Lord is working. Cannot focus on my circumstances but on what God is doing through them. As I have mentioned here before, I facilitate a Christian forum where we do Bible study together. We share our lives, we "talk" in the chat, we pray, we sit back - amazed at what God is doing! He is doing great things and I am thankful He has allowed me to be a part of that. (and to get some great gifts from the women I have the privilege of facilitating !!) This is not meant to be a plug for that forum but if you find yourself wanting fellowship with other believers or wanting to join us in our next study, go to http://forums.delphiforums.com/siestas/start. I would love to meet you there.
When I wrote the last post I hesitated before pressing the publish button. So glad that I didn't hesitate for long. The truth needed to be exposed to the light so that He could start to bring healing. Satan wants me to keep those things inside, to feel badly because I am not praying, to feel like a fraud...but God knew how I was feeling already He just needed me to be honest with myself and with Him. Thank you Lord that you love me no matter what. Thank you that when I am weak you are strong. Thank you that you still use me even in my darkest hours. You amaze me! Truly you do. Not sure how it could be that you love like me do, but I sure am glad!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Grieving the Loss of my Life
Not sure what's happening with me lately. But I am just going to come here and lay it all out. There is a block somewhere. A disconnect between me and the Lord. I am not praying. That is not like me, but it's where I am. I've been here for awhile actually. Been trying to figure why, asking God if there is unconfessed sin, asking why every time I begin to pray it just seems futile? And you know what, He is not really answering me. Maybe I am not earnestly asking.
Told someone the other day that I'm not praying for Don, not praying for restoration, not praying for his salvation.I don't really care. Truly, I don't. And it's not out of bitterness, there is just nothing! Nothing! I feel nothing. Please understand that I know we are not to be directed by our feelings, what I am saying is that I don't feel any compulsion to pray for him and I don't really even want him back. There. I said it!
So it dawns on me yesterday that maybe I am numb. In part of the grieving process. Grieving the loss of my life. The life I once knew. The life I loved before my illness. Full. Fun. Free. That is not my life any more and I miss it. Please know that all the words I've written on here over the past several months have been true. Because I know there have been times I've said that I wouldn't trade this year of illness for anything. I still believe that but for right now I think I need to grieve and mourn. That was a step I just kind of skipped over. Like I just resolved that this is my life now, get on with it, quit the pity party....
It is okay to weep. Jesus did. It's okay to be angry as long as I don't sin in my anger. Jesus did. It's okay to ask God to take this from me. Jesus did. It's okay to ask God why He has forsaken me. Jesus did. I can ask and then to immediately remember His great love for me. IF He gave me nothing else but forgiveness and salvation I should be content.
Should be!
So I am numb. Can't pray right now. Feel distant from God in a way I haven't felt in a long time. Hopefully this will cause me to cry out to Him! Beg Him to draw me closer. Ask Him to pray for me when I cannot find the words, even when I don't feel like finding the words. I don't want to be apathetic, I want to care about my marriage....but right now I simply do not. There is peace that it is ending. I don't know if that peace is a gift from God or a tool of satan. See what a mess I am right now. Maybe I just need to shut off my brain and stop thinking.
What is the point of this post? To any of you that read it, it probably is pointless. To me, it is healing to write out my thoughts. Get them out so they don't have power or control over me. Pray for me as I grieve the loss of my life. I think that's a normal part of this process. By no means am I saying God cannot heal, but for now He is choosing not to and I am grieving.
He is the God of miracles. The God of unconditional love. The God of mercy and grace. The God of restoration. The God of truth. The God who is the same yesterday, today and forever.
I know that when I am through this process, He will not be any different...but I will be!
Told someone the other day that I'm not praying for Don, not praying for restoration, not praying for his salvation.I don't really care. Truly, I don't. And it's not out of bitterness, there is just nothing! Nothing! I feel nothing. Please understand that I know we are not to be directed by our feelings, what I am saying is that I don't feel any compulsion to pray for him and I don't really even want him back. There. I said it!
So it dawns on me yesterday that maybe I am numb. In part of the grieving process. Grieving the loss of my life. The life I once knew. The life I loved before my illness. Full. Fun. Free. That is not my life any more and I miss it. Please know that all the words I've written on here over the past several months have been true. Because I know there have been times I've said that I wouldn't trade this year of illness for anything. I still believe that but for right now I think I need to grieve and mourn. That was a step I just kind of skipped over. Like I just resolved that this is my life now, get on with it, quit the pity party....
It is okay to weep. Jesus did. It's okay to be angry as long as I don't sin in my anger. Jesus did. It's okay to ask God to take this from me. Jesus did. It's okay to ask God why He has forsaken me. Jesus did. I can ask and then to immediately remember His great love for me. IF He gave me nothing else but forgiveness and salvation I should be content.
Should be!
So I am numb. Can't pray right now. Feel distant from God in a way I haven't felt in a long time. Hopefully this will cause me to cry out to Him! Beg Him to draw me closer. Ask Him to pray for me when I cannot find the words, even when I don't feel like finding the words. I don't want to be apathetic, I want to care about my marriage....but right now I simply do not. There is peace that it is ending. I don't know if that peace is a gift from God or a tool of satan. See what a mess I am right now. Maybe I just need to shut off my brain and stop thinking.
What is the point of this post? To any of you that read it, it probably is pointless. To me, it is healing to write out my thoughts. Get them out so they don't have power or control over me. Pray for me as I grieve the loss of my life. I think that's a normal part of this process. By no means am I saying God cannot heal, but for now He is choosing not to and I am grieving.
He is the God of miracles. The God of unconditional love. The God of mercy and grace. The God of restoration. The God of truth. The God who is the same yesterday, today and forever.
I know that when I am through this process, He will not be any different...but I will be!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
