Life Stinks!?

Have you ever read a blog that was just full of complaints and moaning? Honestly, I can't stand reading that stuff. If you consistently focus on the negative...you become negative. If you can't find God's goodness in the midst of your chaos...I don't have much patience.

So, I will definitely NOT be reading this post. It will be full of complaining and moaning and negativity! You've been warned, so feel free to move right along.

I want to trade in my deck of cards for a new one. I want someone to wave a magic wand and make all things better. I want help in raising my kids. I want a "do over".

There is one teenager in my house that is in crisis. He worries me. He breaks my heart.

There is another teen in my house that lets her true feelings peek out only every once in awhile. They peeked out today. Wow, it's sad!

We are all wallowing in it today. You know, one of those days when you just jump in the mud pit, roll around and just let everyone around you know how bad it is!! Good thing it's the three of us here and we aren't subjecting anyone else to our ugly moods. (except those of you who are still reading!)

"Nothing in life is going right". That is the quote of the day. Instead of telling the kids all the things that are good, I am letting them vent. I need those days myself. And honestly, it really does feel like nothing is going right.

My last post was about being desperate. Didn't think that I was going to become even more desperate, but that is indeed what has happened. I truly do believe that my God has not forgotten me, He has not forgotten my kids. I read today in Isaiah and was reminded again that I am engraved on the palms of His hands. I am asking God to bring relief, to show Himself, to strengthen me, to be a parent to my kids, to provide, to heal. And you know what, I am not asking anything of Him that He is not able to do.

Life stinks right now, but God isn't surprised.

Life stinks right now but I wouldn't trade it for anyone else's.

Desperate

Desperate?

Am I desperate?

Yes, I believe I am. Desperate for Jesus to come in and fill up my life! I've had enough of worrying. Enough of the anxiety. Enough of the hurt and the anger. Empty me, Lord. I am desperate.

This is really not a bad place to be. This place of desperation. Where you realize that you simply cannot do it any more. I'm not talking morbidly about giving up on your life. I'm talking about realizing that you need more of God. There is no use trying to "do" life in your own power.

David and Don will be together today. That is supposed to bring me great joy. It does not. So, today I am asking God to take over my emotions and to forgive me for my attitude. I am desperate for God to work today!

It's easy to say you want certain things. Or that you believe certain things. Until you are faced with them. I don't want to be full of lip service. And I know I can be. It's hard for our humanness to not get in the way, but I am desperate for God to lead.

God has chosen to wrestle with me. I have been chosen. That is humbling! The God of the universe has His eyes and heart set on me and believes there is something worth wrestling through. I am desperate to learn from this. I am desperate to be different.

If you are in a desperate place right now, seek Him more. He has not abandoned you. In our desperation we need to bend the knee, look up, reach out to Him, empty ourselves and beg Him to take our desperation and make it into what HE wants.

Desperate and grateful for it!

What Did We Do?

"What did we do to deserve this?"

This was a question asked of me by my 16 year old son. I sat on his bed and cried with him. He is going through a very rough break-up with his girlfriend. I know there are lots who would just brush this off as young love, but I want him to know that I will never make light of his feelings.

However...he was not just referring to the break up.

THIS that he refers to is the break-up of his relationship, his mom being ill, the break-up of his family, feeling abandoned by his dad. The list goes on and on for him. He wonders why he can't have just one thing in his life that is stable.

There is nothing I want more than for my kids to really love the Lord. When life circumstances stink it is easy to question God and His love. Even as an adult. But as a teen...wow it's tough. I told him (David) that maybe God is trying to get his attention. Maybe David has turned his back on God and HE is trying to draw him back. Not that God wants us go through pain but maybe through the pain we will turn to the Lord. The only One who can really comfort.

So he asks what did we do to deserve this. I answer that WE did not do anything.

These next words are ones that I have said only to myself. I don't believe that teenagers want spirituality thrown in their faces when they are going through tough times. But I know that there was something for me to learn by David asking that question.

Why don't we ask "what did we do to deserve this" when great things happen? I don't deserve God's mercy and grace. I don't deserve God's forgiveness. I don't deserve to have been born into a Christ centered family. I don't deserve to have great friends. I don't deserve to live in America with all of its freedom.

God does not treat us as we "deserve" and boy am I grateful for that.

There are so many blessings in my life. I am able to see that and I pray that one day my children will see the blessings as well. For now, I keep loving, listening, praying, encouraging and wrestling this thing out.

Wrestling

If I could write knowing that "anonymous" would not be analyzing every word I write, here is what I would have to say.

We're struggling. This is HARD! I can't catch my breath. There are times that I think about the situation we are in and push the thoughts aside because it brings on so much anxiety. How are we ever going to make ends meet? What on earth can I do from home to bring in money? Is David going to be alright? What can I do to help him? Both kids have zero relationship with Don. They say they never had one before, so how/why should they have one now?

Don is hurting. I know that. But we all are. I am living it every single day and he doesn't have to see it.

Why is God allowing this?

I don't want to wrestle with God any more. Boy, I just want to come to a place of rest. Where I can rest in the knowledge that God is good! I can get to that place and then something will happen and I will jump from that place of rest. Sure this is a process. I know that. Everyone has something.

Lord, be near. I know you are but today I need to FEEL it. I need to KNOW it. You have done great things in our lives. I thank you for that. Get me out of the way if I am blocking what you are trying to do. Keep refining me. Keep refining us. But, please be gentle. This is painful. I know you are very acquainted with pain and I know that you love us. You never promised that we'd have lives that were problem free. But you did promise that you'd never leave us or forsake us. You are IN this with me. We are doing this TOGETHER!! Thank you, Lord.

**guess i am going to post this anyway, because i think God wants me to**

The Gift

I've got nothing deep, nothing that God is saying to me. But I have a heart that is full and it needs to "get out". Think I'll just write about us tonight. It's been awhile since I've given you a real update on what is going on around here.

A year ago I had the privilege of meeting some Christian women online to do a Bible study. Friendships were formed and we loosely talked about one day meeting. It was hard to hear all the talk because of how sick I was. I knew it wouldn't be possible for me. Fast forward...I have just returned from Tennessee where I was able to meet several of them in person. GOD IS SO GOOD!! We had a riot. I witnessed God moving in my life so that I could be there. Thankful!!

My health is still a day to day journey. Some days are very decent and I can drive around town, do some grocery shopping (always accompanied by someone), eat out, clean house...all things I love. I have even been able to go to a friend's for Bible study once a week and you know I've been to church a few times! God has brought me so far in the past two years as far as my health goes. Even though each day presents me with challenges, I am trying to be grateful for how far I have come!!

God continues to ask me to pray for restoration of my family. Healing. Beauty from ashes! My "gut" still says that it will happen one day. When I see my kids and the pain they are going through. When I hear the pain in Don's voice. When I miss being married. In those times, it is easy for me to pray for healing. But when I get caught up in the selfishness of being alone (hard to explain that) there are times when I do not want to pray for restoration. Trying to be obedient. Trying to keep my heart softened to what God wants!!

I am so grateful for all of you and for your prayers. Please pray for my kids. David breaks my heart. I want to be able to make it okay for him. I know I can't. Ellie is in denial that her heart is hurting. It's not that I want the wound to bleed for her, but I want her to understand her need to deal with the loss.

I am hanging on and believing that God really does bring good from all things. He ALWAYS has in my past and I know He will continue to! There is so much good that has come already. I wouldn't change it for anything. The sickness has been a gift.

No greater gift than to be pursued by our Savior in order to know Him better.

Worry Not...

This may be written just for me. So that I have a record of what God is doing in my life. He continues to amaze me in how intimately involved He is in my life.

In my last post I mentioned that I had stopped memorizing scripture this year after getting through nine of them. On Saturday evening I was able to attend church again even though I was feeling very symptomatic. (sometimes you just have to push through things even though it's hard) I was thrilled to be there. Once the sermon began, we were asked to turn Luke 12:22-31. So I get out my Bible, turn and begin reading to myself.

WHOA!!

It's the birds again. If you've been reading, you might remember I wrote a post titled For the Birds. I was memorizing from the Matthew passage, but it is the same principle. Don't worry! If He takes care of the birds, how much more will He take care of us.

Would you believe that is the last passage of scripture that I memorized. I wondered why I had stopped and I think on Saturday God gave me my answer. I am camping on those verses for awhile. There are a lot of worries in my life. I'm not one to stress out, complain or spend my time in worry. But I am realizing that my life is full of stress, whether realized or not.

Money - there's not enough, I can't work, how will we make it?

Health - I have some really great days, things are better than before, but I am far from healed, will I ever be?

Family - will the kids ever have a good relationship with their dad? What are they stuffing? How rejected do they feel? What more can I do to help bring healing for all of us? (Don included)

Ok, I will not bore you with all the details, but you get the idea. You have your own life, your own worries. He, God, is reminding me that He has always provided in the past. He shows up. Actually, He never leaves! He has performed miracles in my life. He will again. He is the same God, He cares deeply, I am never out of His sight.

Lord, you know my heart. You know what is weighing heavily on me. Show me when I am worrying and help me claim your promises in my life. Worry not!!

Have Your Way

Remember how I was going to memorize a new scripture every 2 weeks for the entire year?? I would have 24 new truths to be able to quickly draw from. Well, I got through the first 9 and then stopped. Quit. I am really good at that. My follow through is less than stellar.

Honestly, in this case I am okay with that. When I start to paint something and never finish, that is a completely different story. The reason I am okay with this is because I haven't heard God really telling me any more verses to put to memory for now. I don't want to just complete the task for the sake of saying I finished. I want to hear God and do what He says! (kinda)

And boy has HE been talking!! How much you wanna' bet that He is talking a lot and I just don't bother to hear and listen? He is talking in themes right now. Like I said in my previous post, He is preparing me. Actually when I read back through several posts, there is a lot I could relearn. Remember that most of the time I sit and type while God is telling me what to write - so often I have no idea what I have written. It would probably be helpful to go back and read them again!! (wow, i am quick)

Since God started talking with me after I became ill, the theme has been Know...Trust...Love. If I know HIM better, I will trust Him and I will love Him more. That has been my heart's cry for several years that I would really love Jesus. And I finally do! And because I do I want to be obedient because I can trust Him and I know He loves me. If He is asking something of me it's because He knows what great things will come to my life (on earth and eternally) if I will listen and obey.

It's that simple song many of us learned as children. "Trust and Obey". It really is easier to obey Him, if we trust Him. Lord, I KNOW that you have exciting, scary, wonderful things in store for this family. Each one of us. Keep moving me out of the way when I am hindering your perfect will in our lives. Have your way!!

I Am NOT Listening

I was able to go to the Saturday evening service at church last night!! This is only the 5th time I've attended church since I got sick. Sure do miss being there. I love it!

Sat down and started to look at the bulletin. My last blog post was titled "From the Inside Out". Guess what the sermon series at church is titled? YEP. "From the Inside Out"...freak me out!!! So, I thought, "how cool that God has been preparing me already."

And then.....

Our pastor asks us to turn to Luke 6:27. Flipped my Bible to that passage and immediately decided that I better stick my fingers in my ears and loudly say "LALALALALALALA". (of course, I didn't really do this) How could I have thought that God had been preparing me and then get this passage thrown at me. Shoot!!

Here are the verses - But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you."If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Luke 6:27-36

As our pastor pointed out, many of us don't like to think in terms of having enemies, but we have that person that we would say is an "antagonist". Obviously I knew immediately who my "enemy" is. And I really did not want to hear what God was asking of me.

The passage is full of action words. It's not enough to say we love our enemies, we have to take action. Do good. Bless. Pray. Give. Be merciful. Last night was the first time I have been able to take communion in almost 2 years. I knew that I couldn't participate in the Lord's Supper without first surrendering my agenda to God. Do I want to do good, bless, pray for and give to my "enemy"?? NO, but God wants me to.

Who is it for you? Ask God to show you ways to put your love for HIM into action. And feel free to ask me how I am doing in blessing and showing mercy.

From the Inside Out

So, I started a new Bible study today. Guess what we're studying? The BIBLE!! Nothing else. We are going to read through the book of Mark and just discuss. I love that. This is a first for me. I've done countless different studies. Surely I've read every page of the Bible. But I am usually reading in order to fill in a blank or to do a devotion. This time, I will read the words that God has written and just see what HE has to say to me.

Today we talked about the first two chapters. The part that made the biggest impression on me is the story about the friends who take the paralytic on his mat to see Jesus. It is a story that I am very familiar with. Maybe too familiar with and would tend to just skip right through it. Not this time. This time I read it as if I hadn't seen it before.

By the time they got to the home where Jesus was, there was no more room. Did they give up and go home? No, they climbed on the roof, dug a hole through it and lowered their friend in. They chased after Jesus, knowing that He was the answer.

When Jesus spoke to the paralytic, He told him that because of his faith his sins were forgiven! Did He not notice that the man was paralyzed? Of course, but Jesus knew what the more important healing was. Healing from the inside. Forgiveness that would lead to a relationship with the Father and eternity in heaven. HE wanted the man's soul. HE wanted to be sure that the man received the best gift possible.

As a bonus...the man was also healed of his physical limitations. AS A BONUS!! I need to really know that. It's not about our comfort. It's not about how much are we enjoying our life. It's not all about the here and now. Does God care about those things? Sure He does, but not as much as He cares about US.

I want to be like those friends. Tenacious. Willing. Full of faith.

I want to be like the paralytic. Healed from the inside out.