Monday, March 29, 2010

Dance. Laugh.

On Saturday I posted the song that has been running through my mind almost continuously. The song is "Stones Under Rushing Water" by Needtobreathe. Please click here and go listen if you haven't already. I told you that there were many thoughts I wanted to share. I am going to try and put those thoughts down here.

Many have emailed me after I posted that song believing that I was in a "bad" place, maybe sad, maybe depressed, dealing with hard things. Actually, the song reminds me of how important it is to make the most of this life we are given!! One time around...that's what we get. We need to live this life very intentionally. Aware of each and every moment we are given.

The song begins with the words, "Why don't we dance any more? I'm not okay with that. Why don't we laugh any more? I'm not okay with that". I want to live my life like that. Not settling for the mediocre or just getting by. I want to dance, I want to laugh. God made us that way. To enjoy life. To make the most of every second He has gifted us with.

The song goes on to say that "the years go by like stones under rushing water". Picture that. As the river flows quickly, the stones under it go speeding by, unable to get them back. That's how fast our lives go by. "We only know when it's gone". We might think that we have all the time in the world, but we don't know how much time we are promised. We can't get them back.

This is not meant to be a depressing post. It's meant to remind me to be so very intentional!! If there is not smiling and dancing - don't settle!! And I am not talking about my failed marriage here. Sure....I sometimes wish that I hadn't held on as long as I did, but it is what it is!! I want to find joy in all things.

I really want my kids to understand how quickly this life is fleeting. This is time that they cannot get back with their dad. The years race by. I don't want them to be okay with that, I want them to embrace this life and all that God has in store for them.

The other thing that really strikes me is how intentional I need to be about sharing Christ. God has given us each one time - one huge gift - in allowing us to share His name with those He places in our lives. We best take advantage of that. It (this life) is racing by. What is our purpose here? What is my purpose here?

Boy, I want to make the most of it!! I don't want to look back and see where the years rushed by and I didn't enjoy them, I don't want to have a life of regrets, I want to dance and laugh and make His name known.

There's a lot more going on in my life that I want to share with you. And pertains to this song as well. God has given me another huge gift. I am not sure why He continues to bless me. I guess it's just His nature. You all know by now that I don't like long posts, so I will share about this "gift"with you next time.

For Jesus....the years are rushing by.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

My New Anthem

I have woken up with this song in my mind almost every single day this week. I am not so sure what I am supposed to add to it, so for now I will just post the song. I know that I have many words to write, so I'll be back.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Trust Issues

I've been having trust issues.

Major trust issues.

Not with another human being. With God. I am just flat out not trusting Him.

How do I know? Because I am filled with fear. Anxiety. Questioning. Tears come way too easily. I am easily angered. All the "what-ifs" race through my head faster than I keep up with them.

Here's the deal....I am trying to trust God for something or to do something. I am not just simply trusting Him. So when things don't go as I think I need or my kids are hurt or I am heartbroken or money runs out or my illness flares...I start believing the lies that God isn't trustworthy. Or maybe it's that I believe He isn't really listening in the first place.

Whoever said that putting our trust in God was about trusting Him to answer to US?? We trust Him because He is worthy. We trust Him because He loves us so much that He sent His Son to die so that we could have a relationship with Him. We trust Him because the Bible tells us to. We trust Him because His character has been proven. (Like He needs to prove Himself!! I have to wonder if He is shaking His head at me right now)

He is the God who heals the brokenhearted. The God who forgives EVERY sin and does not hold it against us. The God who never forgets to make the sun rise. The God who knows the number of stars and the number of hairs on our heads. He is the God of second chances (and beyond). He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is the God who holds it ALL in the palm of His hand. He is the God whose eyes NEVER LEAVE US!

That is what I need to trust. He never leaves me. There is not a moment in my day that He is not fully aware of me, what is happening, how I feel, what I need.

He knows me. And yet He still loves me!

Lord, forgive me for not trusting. Forgive my anxious thoughts. Forgive me for asking to you to prove yourself. Fill me with a renewed sense of who you really are. May I put my trust, my life, my relationships, my kids fully and completely in your hands.

You ARE worthy.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Holding Fast and Rallying the Troops

When things in my life get too overwhelming, I tend to retreat. I suppose it's a form of denial. Denying that there are issues. Of course by retreating I am only making situations worse. They just pile up one on top of the other.

My absence here is a telltale sign that I have been retreating. And to be really honest, I also retreat from the Lord. I stop praying and stop reading my Bible. Yea....that does NOT help!

I read back through some past posts and I wonder, "what happened to that girl"? The girl with so much faith. The girl who relied on the Lord as if her life depended on it. The girl who knows true JOY because of her God.

Life happens and I know we all go through times in the wilderness. But I am sick of being in the wilderness! I want my focus and purpose back! Time to rally the troops. Yep, that includes you. It's been a long time since I've given you any kind of update on what is happening (really happening) in our family.

My illness is still a part of who I am. I don't want it to define me but it definitely still impacts my ability to do certain things. That gets frustrating and depresses me. I want to focus on how far God has brought me. From being bed bound to being able to participate in life most of the time!

David and Ellie still will not speak to their dad. We had a huge set back over the Christmas holiday. However....are you ready for how God works in some very bizarre ways in my life? Don's girlfriend (who had NOTHING to do with the break up of our marriage) wants to help in anyway that she can to bring about some resolution between Don and the kids. She came to my home the other day and stayed for two hours. God is going to use her to help bring healing. I just know it. She is an amazing person. I say that I want nothing more than for Don and the kids to have a relationship but my prayer life doesn't show that. I need to be on my face begging God for that daily! Look how much God has done already.

God has worked miracles in healing my heart as well. I've a long way to go but I have hope that I haven't felt for long time. Please pray that I will stop believing the lies that satan tries to feed me. That nobody will ever truly love me. That I can't trust. That I need to be fearful and anxious about money. That David will never give his heart back to the Lord.

I know this post is just all over the place but that's what happens when I spend so much time away. When I was reading my devotion this morning (which is the first time in AGES) it led me to read Deuteronomy 11:22. Here is the part that struck me "love the LORD your God, walk in all his ways and to hold fast to him."

Hold fast to HIM!! Don't you just love that picture.