Friday, October 31, 2008

Worthy of Praise

God is worthy of my praise. Period! He is worthy of it. Not because He answers one way or another. Not because He gives what I ask. Not because of anything except because of who He is. I had decided that no matter the test results of my biopsies, I would praise Him. He does not change just because my circumstances do. He is the same God that I praised yesterday and I would continue to praise Him.

However...the biopsies are BENIGN!! I sobbed. Not sure that it was relief, gratitude or just what caused the tears. But this I do know. God will use this, it will not be a wasted experience. He has already used it. Because of the impending tests, Don stopped the divorce and decided it would be best if we just remained legally separated. This way there would be no issues with my health insurance. He is not intending to ever get back together, but we don't know what God is up to in this!! My heart had become hardened toward Don. I was not praying for him or for the restoration of our marriage. I miss him right now though. Wish he was here with me to celebrate God's faithfulness.

If we don't think God is in control of ALL circumstances...let me just tell you how it went when I got the phone call from the doctor today. My phone rang, it was Don (hubby) calling to see how I was doing and if I had heard anything. The other line beeps in and I can see it is the doctor. So I tell Don that I will call him back and let him know. Of course, after I hear the great news I knew I had to call Don right away because he would be sitting there wondering. So even though our marriage is "over", God still made it so that my husband would be the first to know. Isn't that just so like God?

Thank you all for your prayers. They were physically felt by me. God is still holding me in His refiner's fire and bringing beauty from the ashes. YOU are part of that beauty.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Sweet 16?

How can it be that my first baby is 16? That is just impossible to me. It seems like yesterday that he was the baby that NEVER slept. The one that had to be driven around in a car mile after mile just to get him to shut his eyes. The child that slept in one of these so that he could not get out of his crib. (it was for his safety, I promise) Yes, we pushed his head down and quickly zipped him in. But I digress...

I love this boy. Cannot even tell you how much. God certainly knew what he was doing when he gave me David. Man, am I blessed. He is a joy to be around, so funny, considerate, sensitive, strong, loves his sister, full of life, shares his feelings...guess he is just about perfect. And I am so proud to be his mom. His life hasn't been a whole lot of fun lately, but I don't hear him complain much. He will take these trying circumstances and be better for it. Wow is some girl gonna be fortunate to get him for her husband.

My prayer is that this year would bring David much joy. Not just happiness, but joy that lasts. I pray that he will open his heart to his dad. That his heart for God will grow. I pray that he does not get sick of driving me around - ha! Oh yea, I finally have a driver in the house again. You didn't think this was all about him, did you?

Love you, David. I'm so glad to be your mom. Happy Birthday!!!!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Elsie Survives

Alright - I am just going to get right to it. Many of you know what my week was supposed to look like. Today I would go in for one biopsy on my right breast. Tomorrow for two on my left breast. My prayer has been that my "dizzies" would be manageable and that the procedures would not take as long as expected. (it is to be one and a half hours per biopsy) So many have been praying with me. We stormed the gates, let me tell ya!!

So off I go this morning. Dizzies were raging when I first woke up, but completely manageable by the time I get there. The doctor gets me prepped for the right biopsy and after reviewing the films, he decides that one is not at all necessary. He then asks if I would like to do the left side today and just be done. Oh yes I do! Let's get it over with. So...I am done. There is no going back there tomorrow. Not only did God reduce the time it would take, He reduced the days. What should have taken 4 1/2 hours over two days ended up being less than 2 1/2 in one day! HALLELUJAH!! He IS watching. He IS listening. He gives greater things than we could ask or imagine.

However...He did not spare me my dignity. If you don't care for details and don't like my sense of humor, then you probably should just go back to what you were doing. But I think this is about the funniest thing that has ever happened to me so I am sharing it. In my last post, I joked about going to the milking machine and calling myself Elsie. Now, in order to understand why I felt like a cow being led really need to see the table that these biopsies are performed on. I was having a stereotactic biopsy performed on one of these . Be thankful I did not post the picture of one in use. Ok, anyway, as you can see there is a spot just for my "you know what" to HANG down. Oh yea, lovely isn't it. So after all of this joking, I am completely set up to have the right side done when the doc decides to just do the other. Do you know what that means? I am already on the table and I have to "switch sides", which mean I have to get my head to the other end. Picture this with me. My girls are basically exposed (oh, of course I am wearing a lovely tie front top that is no longer tied) and I have to switch ends. How do I do this? I am on all fours on said table, girls are doing their thing and I am slowly turning around. I could not have looked more bovine like if I had tried!! I laughed out loud and said "this is great material".

God has a sense of humor. God gave me laughter in the midst of what should have been a scary experience for me. I had no fear - zippo. My results should now be in by the end of the week. Those are completely in His hands. I trust Him. No matter what, I trust Him.

Gotta get some more frozen corn for my udder, I mean...breast,

Saturday, October 25, 2008

He Lasts

Once again I've been asking the Lord what He wants me to read in His Word. Thankfully He isn't telling me to read Psalm 119 any more! Now I've been spending my time in Isaiah 40. Love Isaiah, probably my favorite book in all of the Bible. So, I was more than happy to read. For me it's not just a one time deal. I am usually to read it over and over until I hear something clearly. This is what keeps screaming out at me. Verses 28-31. And it's the way they are worded in The Message that really caught my attention.

Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening? God doesn't come and go. God lasts. He's Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch His breath. And He knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles. They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind.

Love the bit of sarcasm and the rhetorical questions that come out in the conversational style of The Message. GOD DOESN'T COME AND GO. GOD LASTS!!! There is not a moment that He is not aware of what is happening in my life (or your life). He's not going to work in my life today and then take tomorrow off. He Lasts!! If I wait on God He will give me fresh strength. He wants to strengthen me. And that is not just for one day, this is strength that will allow me to soar like an eagle.

I am sorry if my sick sense of humor offends you in what I am about to say. But God knew what I would be facing this next week. He knew before He created anything. He will be with me as I go through these biopsies. And as I've told my is like a cow going to the milking machine. I've never seen such a contraption in all my life. Now, I got quite a kick out of seeing the table that the biopsies would be performed on. I know...I'm twisted. But really, who comes up with this stuff? A man obviously!! It really is funny. Please know that I am not joking about cancer, at the moment I am only have biopsies. And I have renamed myself Elsie for the next few days. (hopefully you know who Elsie is)

God Lasts. Through today. Through Tuesday and Wednesday. He lasts through my current illness. He lasts in the lives of my children. He lasts in my marriage. He lasts in my alone time. He Lasts! How cool is that? No need to worry or fret, He's got it!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Out of Control

Happy Monday! I have no idea why I said that, it was just the first thing that popped into my head. This ought to be an interesting post - I am scared already. Yesterday I was realizing that I am going through many major things all at one time. (I know...I'm quick like that!) Chronic Illness. Separation & upcoming divorce. Kids who don't want to see their dad. Biopsies. Seems like a lot at once. But I'm sure many of you have lots of big stuff too. The thing about the "big stuff" is that it is all out of our control. To me - that is a good thing!

Many have asked me how I am handling this. And the truth is - I am not! God is! He has to be. It's all too big for me to even attempt. And it is all "out of my control". In an odd way, that is a relief. I cannot stop any of these things. I cannot change upcoming test results. I cannot force my kids to have feelings they don't. I cannot stop a divorce. I cannot make my sickness disappear. I do my part and let God do the rest. You know what? He knows what He is doing. The fact that I have peace is evidence that God is hard at work. Boy am I grateful for that.

This relationship with my God has not been a dull one. If you've been with me long enough you know I had my prodigal years. (and I do mean YEARS) I'm not saying that I wouldn't go back and change anything but those years have proven to be a source of strength. Let me explain. If God would continue to pursue me and keep His hand on me during years where I wanted nothing to do with Him. Years where I ran from Him. If He would protect me then when I did not even ask for it. How I know that He loves me and will not take His eyes from me - He has to be in control. He had a plan for my life and NOTHING I could do would change that. He is sovereign. The road may have had a few more twists & turns than it needed to, but in the end it led right back to Him.

Right now the road is tough, but He is not surprised! This time I'm letting Him drive (most of the time). He is in control! Ya know, He's in control whether we believe it or not. We can fight to keep our hands on things and "try" to work them out. But why? He seems to have a pretty good handle on how things should be. Let's just let Him.

Out of control - and OH so glad!!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Intentional Living

In my last post, I talked about living intentionally. I had made the decision to get out and enjoy life as hard as it was. One of the things I've missed most since I became sick is going to the beach. We live just moments from one of the prettiest beaches in the country. (yea, I can say that, this is my blog)

A week ago I decided to go with my parents as they were taking my nieces to the beach one night. I had not set my feet in the sand in two years!! Oh what a great evening God gave to me. I just want to show you the beauty that He had waiting for me. I would have missed it had I not decided to live intentionally.

And the joy on the faces of these two precious girls was worth all the trouble in the world to me...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

What Now?

I have debated about putting this out there but here goes. To those of you who I know in real life, I am sorry if it bothers to you to find out this way.

Last Friday I got a call that my annual mammogram showed some changes and I would need to come back in for a diagnostic mammogram with the radiologist on site to read it immediately. That happened yesterday. The radiologist came in with two other people so I knew I wasn't going to like it. She was unable to rule out malignancy so I will be having three (3) biopsies done at the end of the month. They are microcalcifications which can go other either way. No way to know without the biopsy. I will have have one biopsy done on the 28th on one side and then two biopsies on the 29th on the other side. Stunned. What more? Why? But then, why not me? God is still in control. He is not surprised. Fear - I want no part of fear! I've chosen to walk this out in faith that God loves me and will not allow it if it won't somehow bring Him glory.

There is a very good chance that they will all be benign. I know that. But there is the chance that it will be cancer. For now I am not telling my kids - there is NO reason to worry them for 3 weeks until I find out. Don knows. I called him. I miss him like I have not missed him. It's hard to face this without him. I realized how much of me is missing since he is not here. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I should have been missing him more than I have. Life has just gone on. Haven't been praying for marriage restoration. Haven't been praying about the lack of relationship the kids have with their dad.

This is a wake up call. Cancer or no cancer. I need to be living intentionally!! Praying about what God places on my heart. Praying that only God's will be done in my life, Don's life and the lives of my kids. God would want my marriage restored. I need to pray HIS heart and not my own.

What does that mean for me to live intentionally? Decide I am going to make the most of each day. Enjoy the times where my symptoms are more manageable. Get out there and live life in my "new normal". It may not feel comfortable, I might not feel great but I need to try. Spend time really engaging with those around me. Speak into the lives of others. Learn more truths. Be in The Word. Praise Him more. Trust Him.

Father, you are not surprised. Keep my mind focused on you and not on the unknown. Overwhelm me with your peace. Use this Lord, please don't let it be wasted. Get me out of the way. I know you are working in Don's life. Give me the words to speak to him. Bring us your comfort. Forgive me, Lord. This is just one more step in the process of bringing beauty from the ashes of my life. My flesh wants healing. You know I do not want a cancer diagnosis. But I am getting to the point where I really do just want you to have your way in my life, however difficult that may seem to me. Love you, Lord.

Thursday, October 9, 2008


Pride. Nope, not me. It is not an issue for me. No. Not a problem. I don't care if people notice me. It doesn't matter if others compliment me. I do NOT need accolades or recognition. Nope, not me.

Lies. All lies. Can't stand it when I see pride rear its ugly head. There are many who tell me how humble I am and I think "you do not really know me then". The thoughts that come into my mind remind me that pride is really lurking there. I don't like it. I hope that I do not do things just to get the "atta boy" but sometimes I wonder. Often, I wonder. What is my motivation? Is there anything in what I'm doing that is about me? It is so hard to do it all for the glory of God. As humans we want a little glory for ourselves to. Who does not want to be told that they did something well? Or how great they are? You want to be chosen and picked.

Actually all those things are fine in and of themselves. But are they my motives. Do I write because I like to or because I want people to notice and compliment? Do I dress to be comfortable or for others to tell me I look good? When I talk about my kids, is it really out of a mom's pride or is there any part of me that wants others to just know how great they are? Motives. They are so important. Why do I do what I do? If I know the motive I can usually tell if pride is involved.

You'd think that someone who has been home for over a year, someone whose marriage has fallen apart, someone who is dependent on others for so'd "think" that person would have dealt with her pride issue. Wow, can't believe it when I see it so plainly. Lord, I want to say thanks for revealing it again but I can't stand to see it. How can my life be about you and not about me? Keep chipping away at my sinful nature that wants to puff myself up. The one you esteem is the one who is humble and contrite in spirit. Oh, I want to be someone that YOU esteem. One who does not do anything out of the wrong motive. Lord, I know what you've asked me to do now. I'll do it!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Happy Birthday, Don

Today is Don's birthday. For those of who don't know, Don is my husband. He and I are in the process of divorcing. In February we separated and in April he filed for divorce. We have been married over 17 years. This is not a place where I ever wanted to be. Single. Mom. Sick. Sad. Disappointed. You know what I'm sayin'.

But I'm not dwelling on that today. It's just a bit after midnight and I want to start this day by acknowledging his birthday. The firsts are hard. And this is the first birthday of Don's that I have not celebrated with him since 1990. I won't physically be with him today but I do want to pray a special birthday blessing over him. The kids probably won't call him and that makes me terribly sad for him. Many say that he doesn't deserve a phone call but I cannot imagine the pain he feels (no matter who brought it on).

Father, Don is loved by you as much as you love anyone else. You desire a real relationship with him. His pain is not something that goes unnoticed by you. Today, I just ask you to meet him at his deepest need. Bless him, Lord. Just pour out your blessings on him. Make it so clear that it is you that he cannot question. Prompt the kids if they should call. May they take the iniative and do what they know is the right and loving thing to do. Father thank you for taking any bitterness that may have started to take root and yanking it from my heart. You know my love for Don is a love of deep compassion mixed with so many other emotions. But this is not about me and our marriage. It's not about the "what if" and the "I don't want to", Lord I am praying for him because that is what you call me to do. Father, I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give Don the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that he may know you better. I pray also that the eyes of Don's heart may be enlightened in order that he may know the hope to which you have called him. (Eph 1:17-18) What greater gift could Don receive this year than to really know YOU. Take me out of this. Lord, you have your way in his life. Come to him Jesus and bless him. I love you and I pray these things in your Son's name. Amen

Happy Birthday, Don!

Friday, October 3, 2008

Thanks & More Stuff

First off, thank you for indulging me on my last post. There were many of you that I had never heard from before and it is so great to meet you! I appreciate you all. I have only a handful of "in real life" friends that have my blog address, so it's good to meet all of those that God has brought into my life through blogging. Just a quick shout out to Tym...I know you're reading!!

Okay, now back to my regular writing. Which you know is not regular at all and we never know where it's going to take us. Today is no different but I need to journal some things that have happened so that I will never forget.

God amazed me once again with the way He answers prayer. Over and above my expectations. Many of you have been faithful to pray for my son, David, as he deals with all that is going on his life right now. (especially where his dad is concerned) I had decided to take him to a different counselor and told him the night before we were going. All he said was that he was not happy about it. (that is him being mean - ha) That counseling session was so God ordained I cannot put it into words. David thanked me for caring enough to take him, made another appointment, and told me when we got in the car - "that dude's pretty cool". Isn't God GREAT!! Your prayers are necessary and appreciated.

It has been made very clear to me that I have been forsaking being in The Word. Funny when you have so much time on your hands you never do the important things. At least that is the case for me. I know that His Word is life, yet I haven't been in it. Not sure why. Just felt that same disconnect to reading my Bible as I've had in praying. It's satan, I know that, but I've been letting him win.

Today I decide that I am reading my Bible no matter what! Not to fill out answers in a study. Not with any agenda, just read. So I figure I'll read the Proverb for today and read Proverbs 3. Good stuff. All about wisdom and how important wisdom is. Then I think, well I'll read a Psalm and I ask God which one. In my head I hear 119. (now those of you that know The Word know where I'm going, but I was oblivious). I open up to Psalm 119 and laugh out loud. Oh sure, take me to the longest chapter in the Bible. Real funny, Lord. YOU have a sense of humor. So I read all 176 verses. (I had a lot of time to make up for so He was making sure I had plenty to read) Boy, did I need to be there.

Psalm 119 is about the importance of His word, His precepts, His laws and decrees. How will I know them unless I read them? So verse 16 says "I delight in your decrees; I will not neglect your word." Ok, ok, I get it!! Verse 71 "It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees". Quit shouting at me Lord. And I know He is not shouting out of anger but with that love that wants me to really understand how important it is. You see, I have been "basically" home bound since June 2007 because of my illness. Sure I leave the house some but for the most part my life stopped. That is 16 months that I could have been learning His Word. Really eating it up. Don't worry I'm not having a guilt trip here - now I know what I should have done and will be doing it from here on out.

Verses 153-154 "Look upon my suffering and deliver me, for I have not forgotten your law. Defend my cause and redeem me; preserve my life according to your promise." What awesome words. Yes I am suffering but He will deliver me. That may not be through healing but I know He knows! And He is defending my cause in the break up of my marriage. He will redeem me and preserve my life. Life hurts. I need wisdom. God has all the answers. If I will look to His Word first He will show me the way.

Isn't God great? I mean, really! He speaks to me personally. In a way that I would find funny and just a bit sarcastic. It's not the same way He would speak to each of you. God doesn't just love all of His children...He loves you...He loves me. And He will speak to you one on one. I am saying these things to myself so that I won't soon forget. Lord, keep drawing me to yourself and to your Word. Your words are life. They are alive and active. Don't let me miss what you have just for me.