Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I Am So Rude To All of You

Last week I wrote this post asking you all to pray for Don. Then a couple of days ago Sybil came out and I never thanked you for your prayers OR gave you an update. Please forgive me for being SO rude.

With that out of the way I really do want to thank you for interceding for Don and for our family. The response from all of you was humbling and brought such comfort. Because there are now some "in real life" people reading this blog (NO, Don is not reading this) I am going to be very protective of what I say here. However, I can tell you that Don is going to continue with going to counseling AND I know for a fact that there will be some movement towards healing between Don and David (our son). Sorry to sound like I don't trust you all with information, but not everyone is fully informed yet. (make any sense?)

I am just so grateful for the peace that I have when Don and I communicate now. That is only of God. Life is extremely difficult being a single parent and battling this illness but God really is so good. That becomes such an overused phrase but it is true. God IS good. It is who He is. In the midst of raising two teenagers who are angry, hurt, disappointed, joyful, loving, caring (do they sound at all like their mother, Sybil) God is showing up in huge ways in all of our lives. He is protecting us. Providing. Interceding. Loving. Healing. Preparing. I just want to get out of the way and let HIM lead the way.

Lately I've been thinking about how "good" I am doing. It seems so odd that although my marriage is over and my new normal means I cannot do a lot of what I used to - I still think my life is good. I am enjoying it. Shoot, I feel like I am moving on and I don't know if that's ok. I don't mean moving on to someone else but just moving on to this next phase of my life. The phase without Don. It's been almost a year already but it seems like yesterday that he left. My prayer is that one day he will be doing "good" as well. There's a Garth Brooks song (I will wait for those of you who know me to stop laughing) that I heard on my friend Pam's blog...anyway the song is called "She's Gonna Make It". It speaks of the woman making it and the man never healing. Oh I pray that is not us! Can't believe how much my heart hurts for Don. Just for his heart. For his pain.Who would have thought that the one who was left behind and "wronged" would be the one that prays for the healing of one who inflicted the pain.

Again...that is God! How can anyone not believe that God is real and alive and active. I pray that those of you who come here and read, don't just read to hear updates. I pray that somehow God is using this to change me and using me to point others to Jesus. If you don't know my God I hope you would contact me and we can "talk". If you are struggling in your marriage, it would be my privilege to walk the road with you. You've all been such an encouragement to me, I want to be sure that my life is making a difference.

Am I rambling? Yes. Thank you for your prayers. Don is going to walk into his healing. So am I!!


Saturday, January 24, 2009

Sybil Anyone?

Do you ever feel like there are so many emotions swirling inside your head and heart that you have NO idea how you really feel? That is me today. So, why not come here and sit on the perch and see if I can get some free therapy by writing it out.

Sad. Not really sure what about. Can't quite put my finger on it. Don and I have done some things that further solidify the separation. We have a couple court dates coming up. Switched cars. Made financial plans. Maybe it's hitting me more now because there have been some more decisions made. Dunno.

Mad. Yep. Well I am not sure if it's really mad or if it's disgust. Ha, that sounds a lot better. You know how there are those people who you expect to be there for you in times of trials? They aren't the ones you hope will be, they are the ones who are supposed to be. Well, that's not been the case for me in the last 18 months and something about it is really bothering me again. I know this is something that God is teaching me through though. I need to be the person who takes action when I hear of someone in need. When someone in the "body" is hurting - the rest of the "body" is supposed to rally around. That's how it happens in perfect world, Sheryl, let it go! Learn from it and be the person who reaches out.

Hopeful. There are a few more things I am able to do that I haven't been able to do and that gives me hope that I might get some more "normal" back in my life.

Frustrated. By those things that I cannot do - ha! See I really am Sybil.

Are you feeling any better? Cuz I'm not yet. Maybe I should see if God has a Word for me today. Lord, where do you want me to look? Maybe I should see what the Bible verse for the day is on my blog. Let me look and I'll be right back. Ok..this is no joke, I just went and looked and there is no verse there. I am sure it will be back at some point, but for now it is gone. Obviously God doesn't want me reading that for right now. Isn't this fun being inside my very odd working brain? Waiting, asking, listening....

So, this is what I hear in my spirit. "Sheryl, I have already given you your words. Why do you keep looking for something new? Get my words into your marrow so that they can be life to you. Habakkuk, remember that? That's where you're supposed to be. AND I promised you beauty from ashes."

Wow, well okay!! In Habakkuk I have told Him that I stand in awe of His deeds. I've asked Him to renew them in my day. (3:2) I have said that I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. (3:18) From Isaiah 61, I have claimed His promise that He would bestow on me beauty instead of ashes.

I think I will camp where He has for me now and quit trying to stir up something new. Are you all confused yet? Cuz I am trading in all my crazy, mixed up emotions today to -

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. (Romans 12:12-13)

God, you amaze me. Thanks for showing up so clearly.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Hope and a Prayer for Don

May I ask you to join in me praying for Don tonight. For those of you who are not sure of the whole story. Don and I separated almost a year ago after 17 years of marriage. I do not tell many specifics about him on here out of respect for him. However, I have told you that he has been seeing a counselor so that he can try to have a relationship with our kids. (they are mad at him) I just spoke with Don and he is going to see the counselor again tonight. He said to me that he thinks he will talk with Rich about his own issues tonight. Hallelujah!! Don needs God's healing but doesn't know it. This could be the beginning of Don becoming the whole man that I know God has huge plans for. This prayer is not about our marriage at all - it is simply for Don. Thank you!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

What Did You Do Last Night?

Well...thanks for asking! Let me tell you what I did. I went out to eat at a restaurant! Would you like me to repeat that? I WENT OUT TO EAT AT A RESTAURANT. If you're new here, you think I'm a crazy woman but if you've been with me awhile I hope you're celebrating God's healing power right along with me. For 19 months I've not been in a restaurant. It was impossible. Last night I went back to my favorite with a couple friends and some of our kids. Can I just say what a riot! Food was great, laughs were many (and loud), company was some of the best and God gets all the glory.

I caught myself complaining yesterday. About someone. Someone that "bothers" me. I was reminded that it is something I have been missing out - being annoyed by this person. Grateful to be among annoying people, now there is a new concept for me. I have said that I don't want to forget all the lessons I've learned during my perch sit. I want to be different. Lord, please don't leave me without a permanent reminder of The Perch. May I take this year & a half and be different "out there".

May each day no matter how mundane be a blessing to you. Let's not take it for granted. The ability to scrub the floor, grocery shop, be amongst annoying people, go out to eat, walk, serve the Lord, carpool, go to work, attend church, cook a meal, take a meal, shovel the snow....ok I will quit. Can you tell I am just a bit excited to do the ordinary.

Thanks for continuing on this journey with me. You'll never know how much you have meant to me. This has been the hardest trial of my life. I know I have a long way to go and I am hoping you will continue to walk this out with me.

By the way...I had a large order of guacamole (to myself), 2 enchiladas and finished it off with a large blizzard from DQ. (I knew you were dying to know)

Love ya,

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Standing in Awe

My heart is racing today. Not sure why. But usually means God has something He wants me to say. Once again, as I am famous for (well, not really famous, but go with me) I will just start spewing and we'll see what God has.

I've been out and about enjoying life some these past several days. Well, enjoying may not be a good choice of words since I am helping my friends who lost their home in a fire. But for me to be out and be almost symptom free is enjoyable. I am trying to get to the point where I can tell people that I am feeling better without hesitating. You know what I'm talking about...not sure if I'm really healed so don't want to say anything yet. But for that moment I am healed and I need to shout it. What a joy it is to be a blessing to others right now. For 19 months I basically have been at home. To be out of here and among other people and feeling productive...oh what joy!!

Yesterday I cried when someone asked about Don. (my husband) I did not cry for myself but for him. You see, not many people ask about him except in general terms. It is so hard to tell people how he is living and what his life is like right now. Because of his generosity to us (myself and the kids) he is living off of almost no money. In conditions that are honestly a bit frightening to me. My heart breaks for him. I want so badly for him to find the healing that he does not know he needs. Oh I am so grateful for how he provides for us even though he would not have to do what he is. Sure there are those who would say that he left, he owes us and providing financially is the easy way out. I say...I am proud of him.

He is still seeing the counselor. Isn't that so amazing? Oh boy, God has plans for that man. I cannot wait to see what they are. I am scared when I think that God may really ask me to take Don back someday. I like my life. It's peaceful. It's free from conflict. It's mine. But that's the lie - it's not my life, it's God's. And if I really believe that then I need to get my heart ready to do whatever HE may ask. (shoot!!)

I told you that I was doing the Scripture memory on the LPM blog. So the second Word that God has given me to memorize is also from Habakkuk. Do you think He is going to ask me to memorize the whole book? Here is the one I am meditating on now:

Lord, I have heard of your fame; I stand in awe of your deeds, O LORD. Renew them in our day, in our time make them known; in wrath remember mercy. Hab 3:2

When I read that, so many things flood through my mind. I DO stand in awe of His deeds. He amazes me. All He has done throughout time and yet He is mindful of me and He is mindful of you. He is still the same God that created all we have, who parted the Red Sea, who brought His Son back to life...HE IS THE SAME GOD. Let's know Him as that God. Not put Him in a box or think that's how He used to act. I want Him to come and do those same amazing deeds in my life and in the life of my family. When I read the last part, that is when I think of Don. Lord, when you are disciplining Don, please have mercy. I know you will. I know you love him more than any of us ever could. May we stand in awe of what you are doing in our family. May your name be made known because of it.

Friday, January 9, 2009

How is Your Soul?

Earlier this week, I read this post. Go there and read it and then meet me back here. Please? One of the best posts I have ever read. Might just be where I am right now, but it has rolled around in my brain the entire week. Why do I pray? What is my purpose in it? How do I feel that God could change circumstances, but for now chooses not to? Big questions for me. Ones I am actually thrilled to spend time thinking about.

I want my prayer life to be so much more than it is. This week as I have started to pray for my "requests" I have stopped and just prayed for my soul. That God would have His way with my soul. That is such a new thought for me. He is more concerned about the condition of my soul than my physical condition, my emotional condition...

He still wants for me to be whole and healed and well. But that is not top priority. He wants me (my spirit) to be all that He intended for it to be. For many years I have told people that I don't think I really love God. Some have gasped that I could say that. But it's true. I don't think I REALLY love Him. I knew that's where I needed to work on my relationship with Jesus but it seemed too hard, too intangible. So, since it wasn't easy, I have not spent time really getting to know Him so that in turn I would learn to love Him.

Sure am glad He is patient and He loves me in spite of myself. This week He is stretching me. I feel it. There is something stirring in me that has been dead for a long time. My friends lost their home in a fire this week. Everything! They and their 3 children made it out alive (their dog did not survive) but they have lost almost all of their material possessions. However, to see friends and The Church rally around. To see the providence of God in how events played out. What a blessing to be a part of it. To be able to give back to others after being on the receiving end for all this time. What a privilege. To get over bitterness that I have held after feeling let down because I felt forgotten. It is freeing.

God is wanting more for each of us. He wants souls that are fully devoted to Him. Souls that want to do His work. Souls that aren't so caught up in ourselves and our needs. Souls that put Him first. He will do whatever it takes, because He loves us that much! Maybe a little pain. Maybe a little loss. For our own good. For my own good. Lord, I want to love you. Keep pursuing me...I think I am finally getting it.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Say What??

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food,though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights. Habakkuk 3:17-19


I had decided to take the challenge that Beth Moore put out on her LPM blog. She challenged us to memorize a scripture every other week for the entire year. So...I asked God what He wanted me to focus on first and I waited and waited for His answer. Finally He says "Habakkuk 3". You know I don't mean He came down and sat on my bed and spoke, but I knew in my heart that's where He wanted me to go. So as the obedient girl I am (HA) I read Habakkuk 3 and the above verses were the ones I knew He wanted me to meditate on. Are you kidding me?? I am not a farmer, what on earth does this have to do with me?


Though things look dead, though nothing is as it should be. If you have no material things. If your husband does NOT come home. If all is taken from you. Sheryl, if those things happened, will you still praise me?? Will you still rejoice in who I am? Will you be joyful??

Wow, Lord, I am not sure. He tells me in these verses that He is my strength, He will enable me. I don't think He is preparing me for bad things to happen, I believe He is reinforcing what I've been trying to learn for 18 months...that HE IS ENOUGH!! Praise Him in spite of circumstances. He hasn't changed. He is the same God who sent His Son to die for me. His eyes have not left me for one second of my life. He is the only constant, the only "thing" on which I should hang my trust.

Life is very fragile. Just as I had suspected before posting my last entry, satan has attacked me. I found myself out in my garage yelling at him (satan, that is) telling him to leave me and my family alone. Neighbors think I'm crazy but what do I care. God is doing a mighty work in our lives and I am not going to let satan take back any ground.

God is the one in control. He is the only one who is Sovereign. I will rejoice in the Lord. I will be joyful in God my Savior. It is a choice I must make. An action. My prayer for all of you this year is that you also will choose joy, choose God