Earlier this week, I read this post. Go there and read it and then meet me back here. Please? One of the best posts I have ever read. Might just be where I am right now, but it has rolled around in my brain the entire week. Why do I pray? What is my purpose in it? How do I feel that God could change circumstances, but for now chooses not to? Big questions for me. Ones I am actually thrilled to spend time thinking about.
I want my prayer life to be so much more than it is. This week as I have started to pray for my "requests" I have stopped and just prayed for my soul. That God would have His way with my soul. That is such a new thought for me. He is more concerned about the condition of my soul than my physical condition, my emotional condition...
He still wants for me to be whole and healed and well. But that is not top priority. He wants me (my spirit) to be all that He intended for it to be. For many years I have told people that I don't think I really love God. Some have gasped that I could say that. But it's true. I don't think I REALLY love Him. I knew that's where I needed to work on my relationship with Jesus but it seemed too hard, too intangible. So, since it wasn't easy, I have not spent time really getting to know Him so that in turn I would learn to love Him.
Sure am glad He is patient and He loves me in spite of myself. This week He is stretching me. I feel it. There is something stirring in me that has been dead for a long time. My friends lost their home in a fire this week. Everything! They and their 3 children made it out alive (their dog did not survive) but they have lost almost all of their material possessions. However, to see friends and The Church rally around. To see the providence of God in how events played out. What a blessing to be a part of it. To be able to give back to others after being on the receiving end for all this time. What a privilege. To get over bitterness that I have held after feeling let down because I felt forgotten. It is freeing.
God is wanting more for each of us. He wants souls that are fully devoted to Him. Souls that want to do His work. Souls that aren't so caught up in ourselves and our needs. Souls that put Him first. He will do whatever it takes, because He loves us that much! Maybe a little pain. Maybe a little loss. For our own good. For my own good. Lord, I want to love you. Keep pursuing me...I think I am finally getting it.