Tuesday, September 30, 2008


Okay this post is completely self-serving. I have noticed that there are many of you who visit me (and I appreciate that). But I do not know who you are. I realize that there are lots of people who don't feel comfortable leaving comments, but the thing is I like to know who my friends are. Would you mind doing me a favor? Don't navigate away from this page without leaving a comment. PLEASE???!!! Would you please just say hi and tell me your name and where you're from. Of course, if you want to tell me how wonderful I am or anything of that nature that is perfectly acceptable as well! Oh, one more thing...if you happen to have a life verse or a favorite verse I would love to hear that too. I promise I will get back to my regular posting soon and let you know how things are going. (some of you are relieved for the break from my saga)

Okay, start commenting..........thanks!

Friday, September 26, 2008


Just a quick post to ask your prayers for David. His heart needs healing desperately. I want to honor his confidentiality but just know that he is really struggling with his feelings toward his dad. He also questions God and why He is not answering any prayers. (yes we know He is answering, but you understand this coming from a 15 year old boy). Anyway, please just pray as God leads you. Thank you so much for being friends that I know I can come to and you will intercede on our behalf.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Running and Chasing

Chasing and Running. Running and Chasing. That's been the theme of my life hasn't it, Lord? Running from you and chasing after other things. Chasing things that do not satisfy and that leave me feeling empty. But at the moment they meet whatever need I think I have. They meet it quicker than I think You will or I wouldn't be chasing after them. I wouldn't be running AWAY from you, I would be running TO you if I thought you would really satisfy. Wow, the things I have chased in my life! And most of the time I have caught them and have paid a pretty big price. Odd that I had to chase them...even in that, You were trying to protect me from reaching them. I had to work to get them.

I ran to you as a child. With no reservation. Nobody had to coax me to believe You. I had that childlike faith and I loved you Lord. Everyone who talked to me got an earful about You and how they should love You. That changed so quickly when I felt that You had really let me down. Why was I so easily moved from my sure faith? Looking back I know it's because my roots hadn't had time to grow deep enough. I was still too young to really understand You and your sovereignty. How was I to know that through my dad's death you would do amazing things? How did I know that you really meant it when you said "all things work together for good"? Looking back I am so sorry that I began my running and chasing - what desperation I would have avoided!

Lord, I am still suffering consequences of that chasing. And you know...I am glad that there are scars. Otherwise I may have never learned the lesson. The lesson that You are the only One who satisfies. Not men, addictions, approval, being chosen, friends, living without boundaries, none of those things satisfied me! But I sure chased them. Chasing things that were off limits. Chasing things that would bring death. Chasing things that would lead to deep anguish. Chasing a life that I thought would bring healing and instead brought pain unspeakable.

BUT...You do satisfy. You did not give up on me. I ran. I chased. But You stayed right where you were waiting for my return. Grieving for what You had in store for me but letting me run and learn what I needed to learn. Without these lessons I've learned I would not be who I am today. Would I choose the same path again - no way. But thank you that You never stopped loving me. Lord please show me what True satisfaction is so that I will never again feel the need to chase after the lies.

Here's my life...it is Yours! You are in the process of making me whole again. Father, forgive all that chasing. I need to confess how many I must have caused to stumble because of my running and chasing. Many lives hurt along the way. None more than mine. But if You can bring beauty from this life it should be a testament to everyone that You really do satisfy. You love like no other! You are the meeter of ALL needs if we'll only let You. Lover of my soul - that is where I need to be satisfied, deep down in my soul.

May I stop chasing. Stop running. Unless I'm running to you.

Monday, September 15, 2008


Every time that I come here thinking I am finally going to be write something that will let you know how truly hysterical I am (and humble) God doesn't release me to do that. He and I are still on a very intense journey and that is the path He wants me to stay on for now. Trust me though, I really am hilarious!!

There are pieces of my life that I guess I am not letting God into. I am asking Him to show them to me. They need healing. As someone who "stuffs" things I think I'm doing fine and then...bam...I am overcome by some emotion I thought I had dealt with. Many of you are probably like me in that respect. Wondering, where did that thought or feeling come from? I thought that was taken care of. As I've said before, putting the band aid on it doesn't make it better, exposing it will be what brings healing.

Lord, you know what is in there. Get it out. I do not want to be in the same place spiritually a year from now. I truly do want to know, trust, love! Give me the desire to continue to know you better, so I'll trust you more and understand your love. It is unfathomable for my little mind. You have given me your Holy Spirit to help me to understand those things which are beyond me. Why do I take all that for granted Lord? Oh, I know we've come a long way and I am so grateful. But I know how much more you have for me. I want that peace and that joy and that contentment, that only You can give.

Broken pieces of my life...there are many. Sins, choices, suffering, loss, consequences. But you are putting them back together. You've shown me that. Help me to get out of the way and not to hinder your work in my life. That seems to come up over and over. Do not let me or my actions hinder what You are up to. I do not want to live in your permissive will but in your perfect will. Thank you for trusting me with this pain. You believe in me and you believe that we will come out stronger. You believe that I will be more of the child you created me to be. You're molding me and that's painful but Lord I want to say that I am willing to be willing.

Heal me Lord. The pieces. The pain. The doubt. The heartache. The sin. The brokenness. Just pieces, but in your hands...a Masterpiece. I love you Lord, thanks for taking this journey with me.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Are You Willing?

God is asking me that question. And as I try to stick my fingers in my ears and go "lalalalalala" that does not block Him out. The question is resounding in my spirit. Really what He has been saying to me is something along the lines of "why are you not still willing"? So easy for me to say whatever you want Lord, but far different to actually DO it.

Months ago I would have said I am willing to reconcile with Don. Not so sure about that any more - not that Don is asking. It's God that is asking me. He may not be asking that of me because it's going to happen but because my heart has moved from one of openness and obedience to HIS leading. "You used to be willing, why are not still willing?" Because my life feels better. Because there is less stress. Because I am selfish. Because I am afraid. Because I am...

Does not matter what my reasons may be, they are not okay with the Lord. I must stay open to His leading whatever that holds. We all must. And sometimes that leading takes us down a road we would just as soon not travel. What is He asking you to be willing to do? He may not ask you to do it, but are you willing? Is there someone out there that needs to be forgiven? Fear you need to set aside? Relationships that need mending? Habits that need to be set down? A comfort zone that needs to be walked out of? A dream that needs to be let go? Are you willing?

We say things all the time like "I believe He has plans to prosper me and give me a hope and a future". I believe "that all things work together for good". I believe "He would not allow this unless He can bring something better". I believe "He is trustworthy and loves me". Okay....we say them but do we believe them? If we truly believe them then we would be willing. I want to "stay willing". Oh Lord, that scares me. That means I say I am yours, I give up control, I will not hinder your will in my life or the lives of others. Yikes! That means I am not in control...and what a lie to think we ever really were. And that we could do it better than He who holds all things.

Be willing...He may not ask it of you or of me...but BE WILLING.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Um...I Have No Idea

You all that have been with me over the past several months are used to me just coming here and spewing it out. That's what I'm doing again. No idea what to write yet feel compelled. I'm not sure how that works but here goes anyway.

I had two friends send books to me the other day. One is a real dear friend, the other one - well, not so much! (I am kidding, just want them to wonder which one they are). By the way I have never met either of them in the flesh. Isn't it amazing how God brings us friends that we may never meet this side of heaven? Anyway, both of these books happened to deal with loss and starting life over in your "new normal". Curious. I am several chapters into the one when I decide to just read the prologue of the other. Well what book do you think is quoted in that prologue - oh yes, the first book I am reading. Okay these kind of things have the tendency to freak me out. Like, God is literally yelling something at me and I better listen. So, I did what any reasonable woman would do and quickly slammed the book shut!

Out to my kitchen I went to do...well, nothing. And I said "okay God what are you trying to tell me, what am I missing?". I am pretty sure in my spirit He told me that there are areas I need to slow down in (the grieving process) and areas that I need to start moving forward in (my new normal). Well, they don't seem to go together but oddly I get it. My marriage is going to end (I know it's not over til it's over, but just go with me here) and I will be single. Something I have not been for a very very long time. That deserves a time of grieving and mourning. Truly to acknowledge the death of a dream and a life that I thought I would live. However, in acknowledging that I can move ahead in my "new normal". Make the plans that are necessary to be a single parent - especially one with limited physical abilities. Make the most of the life I have - it is sweet, it truly is a sweet life.

My "new normal" is one where I get to be attentive to my children more. They need me more than ever - even though they're older. They need me because they have hearts that hurt and question, but I am offered the opportunity to pour more into them. Because I'm home (all the time) they have me when they need me. I am the only disciplinarian in the house, that is not always a bad thing - embrace it. Even though single, God is providing more than our needs. I am grateful to Don for his generosity in that respect. This "new normal" means the kids ask things of the Lord they may never have had the need to ask. They can grow and learn things that most people never get the chance to learn. Sure it's through very difficult circumstances but let's look at these things as a blessing instead of a curse.

I loved my husband as best I knew how. God walked with me during some very difficult years yet continued to give me a love for Don. If it's over, I will know I did all I could. Single? Me? That is not something that sits well with me, but being single does not mean I am alone.

Mourning and rejoicing. How can they possibly go together? They can go together because God is in it. Right in the middle of each and every circumstance that comes my way. And that comes your way. I am sad yet I look expectantly toward the future knowing that my "new normal" won't be normal at all. It will be a life filled with the power of Jesus Christ! That is not normal!!