Chasing and Running. Running and Chasing. That's been the theme of my life hasn't it, Lord? Running from you and chasing after other things. Chasing things that do not satisfy and that leave me feeling empty. But at the moment they meet whatever need I think I have. They meet it quicker than I think You will or I wouldn't be chasing after them. I wouldn't be running AWAY from you, I would be running TO you if I thought you would really satisfy. Wow, the things I have chased in my life! And most of the time I have caught them and have paid a pretty big price. Odd that I had to chase them...even in that, You were trying to protect me from reaching them. I had to work to get them.
I ran to you as a child. With no reservation. Nobody had to coax me to believe You. I had that childlike faith and I loved you Lord. Everyone who talked to me got an earful about You and how they should love You. That changed so quickly when I felt that You had really let me down. Why was I so easily moved from my sure faith? Looking back I know it's because my roots hadn't had time to grow deep enough. I was still too young to really understand You and your sovereignty. How was I to know that through my dad's death you would do amazing things? How did I know that you really meant it when you said "all things work together for good"? Looking back I am so sorry that I began my running and chasing - what desperation I would have avoided!
Lord, I am still suffering consequences of that chasing. And you know...I am glad that there are scars. Otherwise I may have never learned the lesson. The lesson that You are the only One who satisfies. Not men, addictions, approval, being chosen, friends, living without boundaries, none of those things satisfied me! But I sure chased them. Chasing things that were off limits. Chasing things that would bring death. Chasing things that would lead to deep anguish. Chasing a life that I thought would bring healing and instead brought pain unspeakable.
BUT...You do satisfy. You did not give up on me. I ran. I chased. But You stayed right where you were waiting for my return. Grieving for what You had in store for me but letting me run and learn what I needed to learn. Without these lessons I've learned I would not be who I am today. Would I choose the same path again - no way. But thank you that You never stopped loving me. Lord please show me what True satisfaction is so that I will never again feel the need to chase after the lies.
Here's my life...it is Yours! You are in the process of making me whole again. Father, forgive all that chasing. I need to confess how many I must have caused to stumble because of my running and chasing. Many lives hurt along the way. None more than mine. But if You can bring beauty from this life it should be a testament to everyone that You really do satisfy. You love like no other! You are the meeter of ALL needs if we'll only let You. Lover of my soul - that is where I need to be satisfied, deep down in my soul.
May I stop chasing. Stop running. Unless I'm running to you.