Friday, July 31, 2009

Dear Betty

I didn't think I would ever address you through one of my posts, but I feel compelled to do that now. Your comments as "Betty, "Anonymous", "Matt White"...well they really have me scratching my head wondering. Wondering why do you care? Why do you take the time to keep reading only to leave comments that are intended to harm and not heal or encourage?

There are times that I delete your comments and those that address you. But I've chosen to stop doing that. The reason?? Well, it's good for me to remember that there are times when I am judgmental of others. There are times when I don't know the whole story and I make assumptions and jump to conclusions. It is clear that although you have mentioned before that you know really don't KNOW.

You see, none of us can know another person or their circumstances unless we have walked in their shoes. Unless we have lived their life. Nobody knows what it feels like to be me. To be off balance almost 24 hours a day. To be the mom to my 2 kids. To be pursuing my relationship with Jesus Christ. Sure, others can have similar experiences, but they are not mine.

My family. This is MY family. Well, not really. This is the family that God has entrusted me with. This is the life that God has entrusted me with. I am doing my best to seek HIM in all that I do. What would HE want for David and Ellie? What would HE want for Don? What would HE want for me?

Satan has tried to use you to distract me from the race I'm running. Don't get me wrong...I am not saying that you are evil, but satan wants to use your words for evil. I know without a doubt that God has some amazing things in store for my family. Already I am beginning to see a glimpse. You are free and welcome to comment any time that you feel impressed to do so. This is a public forum here and I will be sure to read what you have to say.

As for me, I will remember to reach out to those who are struggling. Not to judge what I have absolutely no real knowledge of. To remember that I only hear one side of things. To ask God for discernment. To use my words to heal and not harm. Will I get it right every time? Nope. But I am sure gonna try.

I am praying for God's continued healing of my family. I am asking God to get me out of the way. To help me to not be offended. To remind me that HE is my avenger and I don't have to defend myself. I hope that you would see Jesus Christ in this blog. Keep looking. This is really all about HIM and not about me at all.

Sunday, July 26, 2009


Worn out!!!!

How do people do this? Keep getting hit by one life circumstance after another! And truly what would people do without the Lord to run to?

In my last post, I said that Ellie was sick but would be fine. HAHA. Took her to the doctor on Friday and was told to head to the hospital immediately. She would be admitted. Her red blood count was dangerously low. She had 2 transfusions and 24 hours in the hospital. We are home and she will get better. It will be a long road until she is herself again but we're headed in the right direction.

She and I both broke down in the doctor's office. Enough is enough!! Or is it? These have been the hardest two years in our lives. Can't we just get a break?!

It's been one of those days today where I am kind of numb. There is nothing that I can do about any of the situations we find ourselves in and that is a paralyzing feeling. But at the same time it is a bit freeing. If I know that I can't do anything, then it leaves me no choice but to literally throw it at the Lord. Handle it, please!!

I'm dealing with some anger, feelings of betrayal, exasperation, did I mention anger? Yea, there's quite a bit of anger all aimed in one direction. (no names here) It's one more thing that God is trying to burn out of my life. Refining.

On Friday before I took Ellie to the doctor I found one slip of paper that had gotten stuck in an old dresser. It was from a Bible study that I had done over 10 years ago. It was Habakkuk!! The only verses from this year that I have truly put to memory. Do you think God was reminding me that I will be joyful and rejoice even when.....

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:17 & 18.

Habakkuk means...Embraced by God. I am SOOOOOOOO glad He is holding us.

Thursday, July 23, 2009


Ha! So my last post was titled "Life Stinks"...good thing I didn't know what was coming.

First of all, thanks for your words of encouragement, sometimes we just need to get our feelings out so they don't consume us. At least that's true for me. Those of you have been reading for awhile know that I believe God is very much in control of our lives and I trust Him, but it was just getting hard.

Then the next several days hit. I'll just give you a few highlights. My daughter has been VERY sick. She is going to be fine, but yesterday I found her passed out on the bathroom floor. My son had a run in with his dad. Something that could have been a great connection for them just blew up in both their faces. I received an email telling me I had overstepped my bounds in a certain area. Then my parenting was called into question. I was accused of not really working toward the best interest of the kids and Don. got to be funny!! My daughter, Ellie and I have spent a lot of time together this week as we've both not felt well. I told her that satan was really after us. Any chance he can get. Any way he can get to us. So each time something new happened we talked about how much we are under attack.

That's a good thing. I mean it's not fun but if he's attacking us - he is worried and we are a threat. God is moving!! Things are happening with Don that make me realize God is hounding him. That's what we've been praying for. Not many people that are in my life on a daily basis read this blog. So it's the prayers of "strangers" that are affecting the life of my husband. (yes, I still call him my husband)

The other day a blog friend of mine, Kiesha, sent me an email. She told me that she heard a song that she thought was just for me but couldn't remember what it was. In the meantime she read my last post about life stinking and decided that she had heard God wrong and that song wasn't right for me. The next day she gets in her car with me on her mind and what song would come on the radio? YEP. So she sent it to me right away.

The song talks about about God finding you. And finally living for the first time. Living!!

I am living like never before. Is it hard? You bet, but wow it feels good to really live the life that God intended. I know He is healing. I am believing in the miracles that we are going to be walking out!!!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Life Stinks!?

Have you ever read a blog that was just full of complaints and moaning? Honestly, I can't stand reading that stuff. If you consistently focus on the become negative. If you can't find God's goodness in the midst of your chaos...I don't have much patience.

So, I will definitely NOT be reading this post. It will be full of complaining and moaning and negativity! You've been warned, so feel free to move right along.

I want to trade in my deck of cards for a new one. I want someone to wave a magic wand and make all things better. I want help in raising my kids. I want a "do over".

There is one teenager in my house that is in crisis. He worries me. He breaks my heart.

There is another teen in my house that lets her true feelings peek out only every once in awhile. They peeked out today. Wow, it's sad!

We are all wallowing in it today. You know, one of those days when you just jump in the mud pit, roll around and just let everyone around you know how bad it is!! Good thing it's the three of us here and we aren't subjecting anyone else to our ugly moods. (except those of you who are still reading!)

"Nothing in life is going right". That is the quote of the day. Instead of telling the kids all the things that are good, I am letting them vent. I need those days myself. And honestly, it really does feel like nothing is going right.

My last post was about being desperate. Didn't think that I was going to become even more desperate, but that is indeed what has happened. I truly do believe that my God has not forgotten me, He has not forgotten my kids. I read today in Isaiah and was reminded again that I am engraved on the palms of His hands. I am asking God to bring relief, to show Himself, to strengthen me, to be a parent to my kids, to provide, to heal. And you know what, I am not asking anything of Him that He is not able to do.

Life stinks right now, but God isn't surprised.

Life stinks right now but I wouldn't trade it for anyone else's.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009



Am I desperate?

Yes, I believe I am. Desperate for Jesus to come in and fill up my life! I've had enough of worrying. Enough of the anxiety. Enough of the hurt and the anger. Empty me, Lord. I am desperate.

This is really not a bad place to be. This place of desperation. Where you realize that you simply cannot do it any more. I'm not talking morbidly about giving up on your life. I'm talking about realizing that you need more of God. There is no use trying to "do" life in your own power.

David and Don will be together today. That is supposed to bring me great joy. It does not. So, today I am asking God to take over my emotions and to forgive me for my attitude. I am desperate for God to work today!

It's easy to say you want certain things. Or that you believe certain things. Until you are faced with them. I don't want to be full of lip service. And I know I can be. It's hard for our humanness to not get in the way, but I am desperate for God to lead.

God has chosen to wrestle with me. I have been chosen. That is humbling! The God of the universe has His eyes and heart set on me and believes there is something worth wrestling through. I am desperate to learn from this. I am desperate to be different.

If you are in a desperate place right now, seek Him more. He has not abandoned you. In our desperation we need to bend the knee, look up, reach out to Him, empty ourselves and beg Him to take our desperation and make it into what HE wants.

Desperate and grateful for it!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

What Did We Do?

"What did we do to deserve this?"

This was a question asked of me by my 16 year old son. I sat on his bed and cried with him. He is going through a very rough break-up with his girlfriend. I know there are lots who would just brush this off as young love, but I want him to know that I will never make light of his feelings.

However...he was not just referring to the break up.

THIS that he refers to is the break-up of his relationship, his mom being ill, the break-up of his family, feeling abandoned by his dad. The list goes on and on for him. He wonders why he can't have just one thing in his life that is stable.

There is nothing I want more than for my kids to really love the Lord. When life circumstances stink it is easy to question God and His love. Even as an adult. But as a it's tough. I told him (David) that maybe God is trying to get his attention. Maybe David has turned his back on God and HE is trying to draw him back. Not that God wants us go through pain but maybe through the pain we will turn to the Lord. The only One who can really comfort.

So he asks what did we do to deserve this. I answer that WE did not do anything.

These next words are ones that I have said only to myself. I don't believe that teenagers want spirituality thrown in their faces when they are going through tough times. But I know that there was something for me to learn by David asking that question.

Why don't we ask "what did we do to deserve this" when great things happen? I don't deserve God's mercy and grace. I don't deserve God's forgiveness. I don't deserve to have been born into a Christ centered family. I don't deserve to have great friends. I don't deserve to live in America with all of its freedom.

God does not treat us as we "deserve" and boy am I grateful for that.

There are so many blessings in my life. I am able to see that and I pray that one day my children will see the blessings as well. For now, I keep loving, listening, praying, encouraging and wrestling this thing out.

Monday, July 6, 2009


If I could write knowing that "anonymous" would not be analyzing every word I write, here is what I would have to say.

We're struggling. This is HARD! I can't catch my breath. There are times that I think about the situation we are in and push the thoughts aside because it brings on so much anxiety. How are we ever going to make ends meet? What on earth can I do from home to bring in money? Is David going to be alright? What can I do to help him? Both kids have zero relationship with Don. They say they never had one before, so how/why should they have one now?

Don is hurting. I know that. But we all are. I am living it every single day and he doesn't have to see it.

Why is God allowing this?

I don't want to wrestle with God any more. Boy, I just want to come to a place of rest. Where I can rest in the knowledge that God is good! I can get to that place and then something will happen and I will jump from that place of rest. Sure this is a process. I know that. Everyone has something.

Lord, be near. I know you are but today I need to FEEL it. I need to KNOW it. You have done great things in our lives. I thank you for that. Get me out of the way if I am blocking what you are trying to do. Keep refining me. Keep refining us. But, please be gentle. This is painful. I know you are very acquainted with pain and I know that you love us. You never promised that we'd have lives that were problem free. But you did promise that you'd never leave us or forsake us. You are IN this with me. We are doing this TOGETHER!! Thank you, Lord.

**guess i am going to post this anyway, because i think God wants me to**