Saturday, December 27, 2008

Seeing Miracles

Yes, I am alive!! I've been wanting to come here and talk with all of you but have struggled with the words. A couple of posts ago I wrote about "Christmas Hope and Miracles" and talked about what I was praying for and asked how I could pray for you. What a privilege that has been to ask God to bless you and to show Himself to you in huge ways. I plan on continuing to pray through those things, believing for those miracles with you.

For myself I was praying for complete healing, for Don's salvation, that there would be the beginning of reconciliation between Don and the kids and that my heart would be open to what God is asking of me. Those of who you "know" me understand that is hard for me to come and share victories because that is where satan trips me up. I don't want to speak about it because then what will I say if the miracle ends? I know, it may not make sense to you, but it's my reality. Anyway...I want you to know and experience with me the answers to your faithful prayers for us.

I believe that I am beginning to walk out my healing. This has been the best I have felt since June 2007. I did almost all of my own Christmas shopping (of course, I have someone go with me, but you know what I mean)!! I have grocery shopped a couple of times. My "bonus" daughter is here with us. Christmas was basically symptom free! I feel "normal". Yes, I feel normal. Ellie and I have been doing Wii Fit. For someone who has struggled to stand without feeling like she would pass out - stepping on the Wii Fit and actually doing it - THAT IS A MIRACLE!! My kids are sensing that they might be getting their mom back!! Praise God.

Don. Well what to say. He has been going to counseling. Yes, you heard that right. He has been going by himself to learn what he can do to have a relationship with his children. This is huge. This is God. I am so proud of him. So impressed with the way he is not giving up. God rewarded him. Yesterday, ALL THREE of the kids went with Don and spent a couple of hours just having fun. I am not saying that it is all better, but what a giant step they have taken toward healing.

Healing. God is healing me physically and He is healing my heart. The love I have for my husband right now is one that I don't know I have known before. It is not one that is missing him and wanting our family back together. But it is a love for the man. A love that cares deeply. A love that desperately wants healing for his soul. I know what the Lord is going to ask of me. I believe that He will ask it of me in this new year. Don't think I am crazy but I believe that God will ask me to take my husband back. I know I've said it here before and you know that Don has NEVER said he wants to come home. But I believe God is working toward restoration. He will not be the same man that left here in February. My heart needs to be willing to obey and be open to whatever God asks me to do. I feel movement in that direction within myself.

Scared? You better believe it! Excited to see all that God has in store? You bet! Praying that I am in the center of His will. HE is performing miracles right before our eyes. He will perform them in your lives too. Look for them. I know I will be.

HE is restoring the years the locusts ate. The years will not be wasted. Good will come. It already has.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

You Inspire Me

Although I hadn't planned on writing any more posts before Christmas, I feel drawn here. Who knows, maybe this won't be something that I push the publish button on, but I am "obeying" the pull. I really felt like I wanted the last post to be one where I give back to all of you. By asking for your prayer requests and faithfully praying for you. That is still on my heart, so if you haven't already done so, please leave your request on my previous post. I do believe that God is going to perform many miracles this Christmas. I am believing it!!

Today I have been overwhelmed by the blogging world. This is not a place I ever saw myself being. Who would "make friends" and share their souls with people they do not even know. Certainly not me!! Well here I am, some 10 months after beginning this blog and I don't know what I do without all of you. Many of you have become some of my dearest friends. I truly mean that. You have walked with me through one of the darkest times of my life. Without your prayers, comments, love, support and encouragement, I do not know where I'd be.

One of my "blogging buddies", Robynn , went home to be with Jesus today. I have cried like I really knew her. The thing is...because of her willingness to share her journey, I feel like I really did know her. She became ill in February. That's the same month that Don left. Through her fight to stay alive I have learned to be grateful for whatever sense of "normal" I may have in my day. I embrace the things that I am able to do and try not to focus on what my illness has robbed me of.

Then there is the joy that I share with another "blogging buddy", Courtney. She won an amazing camera in a contest! I am thrilled for her. You may wonder how I can talk about someone who lost their life and someone winning a camera in the same post. Well, here's the deal...Courtney has been dealt more than her share of tragedy in life. However, she faces life with such zest, such an attitude of joy. She knows how her Heavenly Father has blessed even though He has allowed some heartbreak. Yet she trusts and points others to Him.

There are those of you who have emailed me and shared your heartaches. Shared your words of encouragement at just the right time. Sent me links to sites you felt would help me. You've prayed for my children as if you know them. You are believing with me for my marriage and for my physical healing. Who would have known what God was up to when He started connecting people through the internet in such a unique way. Who would have thought that I could feel so deeply for those I may never lay eyes on this side of heaven.

I am overwhelmed with emotion today. There are miracles happening in my life that I am still keeping close to my heart (for now). But you know that when I feel led to share them, you will be the first to know. Please know that this comes from the deepest place in my soul today...I love and appreciate you all more than words could ever convey.

You inspire me!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Christmas Hope and Miracles

This is the season of hope. Of miracles. Christ is the embodiment of what a true miracle is. Born to a virgin. Living life as fully God while fully man. Sinless. He is a miracle and He is OUR miracle. He brings me such hope.

This Christmas there are many things that I hope for. Not things that I am asking for as gifts but intangible things that I hope for. I got to thinking that it's great to have hope, for sometimes that is all that keeps us going. But hoping can often be like wishing. We need to ask. The Bible says we have not because we ask not. That does not mean that we are going to get everything we ask for. But we need to ask!!

In this season of hope - I am asking for some Christmas miracles:
  • physical healing of my body
  • healing for Don's heart (oh, how he needs Jesus)
  • the beginnings of reconciliation between Don and the kids
  • that my heart would be open to all that God is asking of me

God is already at work in our lives in some miraculous ways. Things are happening that I am going to keep in my heart for now, but please know that prayer works. Your prayers are one of the greatest gifts that God has given me this year.

What are you "hoping" for this Christmas? I would count it a privilege to go before the Lord on your behalf and ask for your Christmas miracles as well.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Random Joy

This post is going to have nothing to do with either my illness or divorce. You will not see those words again (well, at least for today).

There are great things happening in our lives right now. I want to celebrate those!! Ellie and her friends had a Christmas dance at school on Friday. So we had a houseful of 7th graders all getting ready together. Assembly line fashion doing each other's hair. What fun!! Thank you God for giving me a home where kids want to be. Thank you for giving me a daughter who still thinks I'm "ok" to be around.

Ellie is the one in the polka dots!

Another blessing in this family is how much my kids love each other. David and Ellie really do adore one another! They laugh together more than almost anyone I know. Rarely is there an argument. For that I am so grateful!!

As many of you know I also have a "bonus daughter". Don was married before and they had a beautiful daughter, P. He was not a part of her life for almost 17 years. Last Christmas she came to meet us and her brother & sister. This Christmas she will again be coming to spend a week with the kids and me. How cool is that? Isn't she the sweetest thing?

There is much for us to be grateful for! Jesus is alive and working in our lives. He is working out His will as we get out of the way. He is blessing the kids and me beyond anything I could have possibly ever imagined. Life can be tough. But for today I choose to focus on the joy. There is much joy. Get out there and look for it and then....praise The One who gives it!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

My Part

What is my part in my marriage ending? It sounds so cliche' that it takes two. But it is the truth. I've spent a lot of time in my mind (hopefully not much on here) spewing about Don and what God needs to fix in Don. Well, what about me? What is my part? If Don meets Jesus in a very real and personal way. If God then asks me to take Don back...what about me? I've got a lot of changing to do too. I am sure I am less than easy to live with. Does God really hold the number one position in my life? Would Don get the respect, forgiveness and wife that he deserves?

As you can see, I've got a lot of questions, but not a whole lot of answers. I just know that God is asking me to do some digging in my heart. Some confession needs to take place. Introspection. Looking closely in the mirror. Being real. Getting real with what kind of wife I really was to Don.

I want you to know that Don is going to counseling tomorrow. He called me a week or so ago and said he would go and talk with David's counselor. Not for himself but to see what could be done to start repairing his relationship with the kids. He doesn't think he's going there for himself, but as any of you know that have been in counseling know, he will soon realize that he truly is there for himself. This is huge! This is God! Not by my suggestion. I haven't told the kids (yet). It hasn't seemed the right time and I am just leaving that up to the Lord to work that out. David will go and see Rich (counselor) on Thursday anyway, so maybe it's for Rich to tell. Can you imagine what that will do to David's heart to know that his dad went to counseling. Oh, thank you, Jesus!!

Now, let's start digging out this root - this forest - in my heart! Prepare me for whatever it is you have for me in the future. It may be a future without Don but I know I cannot go forward in what you have for me without getting my heart right. Please, Lord, be gentle. But let's get to work. I am excited to do my part.