What Now?

I have debated about putting this out there but here goes. To those of you who I know in real life, I am sorry if it bothers to you to find out this way.

Last Friday I got a call that my annual mammogram showed some changes and I would need to come back in for a diagnostic mammogram with the radiologist on site to read it immediately. That happened yesterday. The radiologist came in with two other people so I knew I wasn't going to like it. She was unable to rule out malignancy so I will be having three (3) biopsies done at the end of the month. They are microcalcifications which can go other either way. No way to know without the biopsy. I will have have one biopsy done on the 28th on one side and then two biopsies on the 29th on the other side. Stunned. What more? Why? But then, why not me? God is still in control. He is not surprised. Fear - I want no part of fear! I've chosen to walk this out in faith that God loves me and will not allow it if it won't somehow bring Him glory.

There is a very good chance that they will all be benign. I know that. But there is the chance that it will be cancer. For now I am not telling my kids - there is NO reason to worry them for 3 weeks until I find out. Don knows. I called him. I miss him like I have not missed him. It's hard to face this without him. I realized how much of me is missing since he is not here. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I should have been missing him more than I have. Life has just gone on. Haven't been praying for marriage restoration. Haven't been praying about the lack of relationship the kids have with their dad.

This is a wake up call. Cancer or no cancer. I need to be living intentionally!! Praying about what God places on my heart. Praying that only God's will be done in my life, Don's life and the lives of my kids. God would want my marriage restored. I need to pray HIS heart and not my own.

What does that mean for me to live intentionally? Decide I am going to make the most of each day. Enjoy the times where my symptoms are more manageable. Get out there and live life in my "new normal". It may not feel comfortable, I might not feel great but I need to try. Spend time really engaging with those around me. Speak into the lives of others. Learn more truths. Be in The Word. Praise Him more. Trust Him.

Father, you are not surprised. Keep my mind focused on you and not on the unknown. Overwhelm me with your peace. Use this Lord, please don't let it be wasted. Get me out of the way. I know you are working in Don's life. Give me the words to speak to him. Bring us your comfort. Forgive me, Lord. This is just one more step in the process of bringing beauty from the ashes of my life. My flesh wants healing. You know I do not want a cancer diagnosis. But I am getting to the point where I really do just want you to have your way in my life, however difficult that may seem to me. Love you, Lord.