I didn't see that coming.....
Many of you have noticed how things have changed around here at The Perch. Not the look of it but what I have to say. Which hasn't been much lately.
God allowed me to be sifted over the past 18 months. I didn't realize that is what it was until a few nights ago. My background is one of severe insecurity. I want to be chosen, desired, wanted, found beautiful. I know those are common themes among women but for me it was a stronghold. Led me to make some destructive choices. Led me to marry the wrong person because someone had chosen me.
These past four years have been the toughest of my life. Illness. Divorce. Children with deep heartache. A child making decisions with possibly lifelong consequences. Financial hardship. Loneliness. Tears.
But in that time God brought me to a place where I really sought HIM. I finally found peace and contentment in knowing that I was chosen by God. He wanted me if no man did. And I started to write. Through this blog I have made lifelong friends. I have found healing. And I believe God was using it to impact others as well.
Satan wasn't very happy about the direction my life was taking and I believe he asked God if I could be sifted. A man came along about 18 months ago....out of nowhere. I was sure he was from God because I had not gone looking. I did not "go out". I never asked anyone to find me a man. This man, who I had known years ago but not spoken to since high school came into my life and we fell in love. We talked of our future.
Guess where I found my worth? In him instead of in HIM. Those same insecurities came back. Would he stay? Would he love me forever? Was I beautiful enough? A month ago he ended the relationship very suddenly and I looked up and asked God "what was that all about"?
I cried like never before. My heart literally ached! However, when God revealed to me the other night that I just might have been sifted, things started to change. Sifting is good. It reveals how deep our faith is.(or isn't) It removes impurities. It means we are a threat to satan. I know that I need to really, really believe where my worth comes from.
A man came thousands of years ago to die for ME. Yesterday I posted a song. The irony of the song choice did not dawn on me until last night. Many years ago I did a Beth Moore study and she said that one day God would call us by a new name. She asked us to think of what that name might be and immediately the name "Beautiful" came to my mind. I have always wanted to be beautiful but now it has new meaning. I want God to find me beautiful. That my heart would be pure. That I would take Him at His word....He does love me....He does desire to spend time with me....He does think I am worthy....If no other man ever comes along may I find true love in Jesus.