Christmas Hope and Miracles

This is the season of hope. Of miracles. Christ is the embodiment of what a true miracle is. Born to a virgin. Living life as fully God while fully man. Sinless. He is a miracle and He is OUR miracle. He brings me such hope.

This Christmas there are many things that I hope for. Not things that I am asking for as gifts but intangible things that I hope for. I got to thinking that it's great to have hope, for sometimes that is all that keeps us going. But hoping can often be like wishing. We need to ask. The Bible says we have not because we ask not. That does not mean that we are going to get everything we ask for. But we need to ask!!

In this season of hope - I am asking for some Christmas miracles:

• physical healing of my body
• healing for Don's heart (oh, how he needs Jesus)
• the beginnings of reconciliation between Don and the kids
• that my heart would be open to all that God is asking of me

God is already at work in our lives in some miraculous ways. Things are happening that I am going to keep in my heart for now, but please know that prayer works. Your prayers are one of the greatest gifts that God has given me this year.

What are you "hoping" for this Christmas? I would count it a privilege to go before the Lord on your behalf and ask for your Christmas miracles as well.

Random Joy

This post is going to have nothing to do with either my illness or divorce. You will not see those words again (well, at least for today).

There are great things happening in our lives right now. I want to celebrate those!! Ellie and her friends had a Christmas dance at school on Friday. So we had a houseful of 7th graders all getting ready together. Assembly line fashion doing each other's hair. What fun!! Thank you God for giving me a home where kids want to be. Thank you for giving me a daughter who still thinks I'm "ok" to be around.

Ellie is the one in the polka dots!

Another blessing in this family is how much my kids love each other. David and Ellie really do adore one another! They laugh together more than almost anyone I know. Rarely is there an argument. For that I am so grateful!!


As many of you know I also have a "bonus daughter". Don was married before and they had a beautiful daughter, P. He was not a part of her life for almost 17 years. Last Christmas she came to meet us and her brother & sister. This Christmas she will again be coming to spend a week with the kids and me. How cool is that? Isn't she the sweetest thing?

There is much for us to be grateful for! Jesus is alive and working in our lives. He is working out His will as we get out of the way. He is blessing the kids and me beyond anything I could have possibly ever imagined. Life can be tough. But for today I choose to focus on the joy. There is much joy. Get out there and look for it and then....praise The One who gives it!

My Part

What is my part in my marriage ending? It sounds so cliche' that it takes two. But it is the truth. I've spent a lot of time in my mind (hopefully not much on here) spewing about Don and what God needs to fix in Don. Well, what about me? What is my part? If Don meets Jesus in a very real and personal way. If God then asks me to take Don back...what about me? I've got a lot of changing to do too. I am sure I am less than easy to live with. Does God really hold the number one position in my life? Would Don get the respect, forgiveness and wife that he deserves?

As you can see, I've got a lot of questions, but not a whole lot of answers. I just know that God is asking me to do some digging in my heart. Some confession needs to take place. Introspection. Looking closely in the mirror. Being real. Getting real with what kind of wife I really was to Don.

I want you to know that Don is going to counseling tomorrow. He called me a week or so ago and said he would go and talk with David's counselor. Not for himself but to see what could be done to start repairing his relationship with the kids. He doesn't think he's going there for himself, but as any of you know that have been in counseling know, he will soon realize that he truly is there for himself. This is huge! This is God! Not by my suggestion. I haven't told the kids (yet). It hasn't seemed the right time and I am just leaving that up to the Lord to work that out. David will go and see Rich (counselor) on Thursday anyway, so maybe it's for Rich to tell. Can you imagine what that will do to David's heart to know that his dad went to counseling. Oh, thank you, Jesus!!

Now, let's start digging out this root - this forest - in my heart! Prepare me for whatever it is you have for me in the future. It may be a future without Don but I know I cannot go forward in what you have for me without getting my heart right. Please, Lord, be gentle. But let's get to work. I am excited to do my part.

The Battle After Victory

Isn't it so true that often when we experience a victory, a battle is right behind? I was prepared that this was was going to happen. Well...I don't know if prepared is the right word. Anxious. Fearful. Yeah, those are better words to describe me in anticipating the battle that would ensue once satan realized that God and I were making progress. I even alluded to it in my previous post that I was hesitant to write about any victory because it may not last. Well, it didn't take long for satan to come after me with a vengeance!!

Symptoms are back. Bearable. But they are back. It's discouraging to get a taste of all I've been missing this past year and a half and then have it taken it away again. Boy satan was waiting there to taunt me and get me to feeling sorry for myself. Just that fast!! Man, that makes me mad. Makes me mad at him. Makes me mad at myself. I do not want to be so easily moved from faith and praise to doubt and discouragement. But I have been. Good thing that our God is a god of mercy. He knew where I would be today. He's not surprised. But He is waiting here for me and He says "Game on, Sheryl. Let's fight!"

Fight is just what we are going to do. Back to battle. Praying for continued healing. Praying for protection of my heart and mind. Praying against the attacks of the evil one who is not very creative! You are not gonna win this one satan. Right now I am putting you on notice that God has already won the victory. He has overcome you and all your wily schemes. I am His child and His will, will be done in my life. I know you are hearing me. God has big plans for my life and you will not thwart those! Get behind me, satan. There is no place for you here!!

Please join me also in praying for Don. I was so thankful yesterday that God has given me the desire to pray for my "husband" again. Here is what I am praying: That the God of all comforts would comfort Don. That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, would give Don the spirit of wisdom and revelation so that he may know him better. That the eyes of Don's heart would be enlightened to know the hope to which God has called him. (Eph 1: 17 & 18) Don is more alone than he has ever been in his life. His parents asked the kids and I to spend Thanksgiving with them yesterday. This meant that Don could not be there as the kids are still not willing to see him. While we spent time with his family, I would imagine that Don spent the day alone. God is taking him where He needs to in order to work the miracle that I KNOW God is going to perform.

Game on, satan. You are NOT gonna win. You may win tiny little battles but the victory in this war belongs to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

Victory

Once again I have been absent from here because God has not given me anything to share. Well, maybe it is that there is so much to share but I don't know how to organize it. So, we'll just start writing and see where it leads. Last time I left you with the victory God gave me while attending my uncle's funeral. Victory. Ok, that is a word that has rolled around and around in my brain this week. Let me tell you why...

It has often been said during the 18 months of my illness that I might have to "walk out my healing". In other words, believe God for it and start living my life like I really do believe it. Attending the funeral was truly walking in faith that God would provide what I needed when I needed it. And boy did He. The really cool thing is what I believe happened to me at the end of the service. During many of the hymns the congregation was asked to stand, however, I remained seated. That is, until the last hymn. Victory in Jesus. It was impossible to not stand up. I just had to! I believe God is healing me. I really do. It was almost as if I had to stand in faith knowing where my victory comes from and the healing began.

This has been the best week "physically" that I have had since the illness began. I gotta tell ya...I walked around downtown last night with 5 teenagers and my 2 little nieces. I went in some very crowded stores. I drove a car!! God and I, we did it together and we had a blast! I've been hesitant to write about feeling better and the prospect of a healing. Why? Because I am afraid that it won't last. That is satan. Ya know, it might not last but for now I need to proclaim the victory God is giving me. Life. Living it. It's great. What a joy.

And then...as one part of life seems to be healing the other part falls apart worse than ever. Things with Don (almost former husband) are horrible. It's not been this bad throughout the entire 9 months that we've been separated. However, if God promised me beauty from ashes, He did not say it would be easy. It may take me really, really having to forgive and show God's love and mercy. Not that Don is asking for it, but I know God is. Shoot!! I'd just rather stew and be mad. Help me to pray for Don's salvation and his healing. There is victory in Jesus. I live it!!

My Heart is Full

As many of you know my uncle died on the 7th. His funeral was yesterday. It was so important to me that I would be able to attend. I knew with my illness that this would take a miracle (if you aren't familiar with my illness, you can read about it in the sidebar). Our family would need to travel to the other side of the state, stay in a hotel, eat out, attend a very long visitation and of course, be at the funeral, graveside and luncheon. Whew...I was overwhelmed just thinking about how any of this would be physically possible for me. Thus began the prayers of many!! We were asking God to give me the physical ability to do all of these things without symptoms. I need to tell you that the past two days exceeded anything I even thought about asking God for.

We had a ride across the state. Attended 7 hours of visitation. I stayed up late at night playing games with my nieces. I walked down the aisle of a church without assistance and sat through the service. It was even possible for me to walk up & down stairs many times!! When I tell you that I only had a few "whirls" - THAT is a miracle!! God blessed me with being able to say good bye to a man that I loved dearly. To be able to stand in his church and sing his favorite hymns! What a privilege to be with my family and sing "Blessed Assurance" and "When We All Get to Heaven". There were no shortage of tears on this face. Yet at the same I was overcome with joy and gratitude at the gift God had given me.

This outing was the first thing that my kids and I have done together in 18 months. (yes, we have gone to my parents, but you know what I'm sayin') Funny that God would bless us with fun times together at a funeral. Isn't that just like God? Doing the unexpected. I missed Don (hubby) while sitting in the church. I knew that he would have been one of the pall bearers and it was hard not to sit and feel his arm of comfort around me. However, I cannot help but feel that the prayers my uncle has been faithful in praying for Don all this time will be answered in a mighty way. May Don come to know Jesus, may he mend the broken relationships with all of his children, may God begin to heal his broken heart!!

Thank you to those of you who have been lifting me up in prayer these past several days. Your prayers were physically felt by me. How great to be able to talk with the kids and have them realize that they witnessed a miracle in their mom's life just by the fact that I could be in attendance with them. God is in the miracle business still! The same God who raised His son from the dead. He has not changed. Lord, help me not to doubt or limit you. I am still asking for a miracle - for a healing. In my health and in my family. Thank you, Jesus, for being beside me each step of the way. May your name be ever on my lips. May I point to you like Uncle Art did. Thank you for his life and for the miracle you are performing in mine!

Legacy

My family becomes smaller and smaller. We have lost yet another member. My Uncle Art went suddenly to be with Jesus on Friday. (my birthday) He had just been here for a visit less than two weeks before. Oh I am so grateful for that time! He was older and had lived a full life, yet the sting and the hole he has left in our family...it will never be the same. We will never be the same for having had his example in our lives. I am not sure I have ever known someone who exemplified what is means to be "Christ-like" as much as my Uncle Art. Always with a verse or a hymn on his lips. Never shying away from sharing his faith. Oh he loved Jesus and longed for the day that he would be there with my Auntie Jean. (she too died suddenly, just two years ago)

He has left a legacy for anyone who knew him. Many came to know Christ because of him. Lives were saved because of him - in the war. (he has a purple heart) I have just this moment realized something! There has been a "deep sadness" over my life since Friday. This is to be expected with a loss but I knew it was more than that. It just occurred to me that with Uncle Art's death came the passing of someone who daily lifted me up in prayer. That is what is missing. He was heartbroken over my marriage. He and Don shared a bond like no other. It's one that I cannot explain and he was devastated to learn that Don had left. Writing a letter to him and lifting us up in prayer fervently. He and my aunt were vigilant in their prayers for their family. That covering will be physically felt.

What kind of legacy am I leaving? Will others know of my God because of my life? Is my life about me or about HIM? Do I take my responsibility and privilege to pray for others seriously? I want to leave a legacy...Lord may I take what you taught me through my uncle and leave a mark on those who you have placed in my life. Teach me to pray for Don, David & Ellie. Help me to live my life as a display of your grace. Thank you for those who you surrounded me with. Thank you for the heritage.

Something Bigger

Remember this blog is a place for me to record what God is doing so that I will never forget. If you're tagging along on this journey with me - thank you! I need to record more of what could not have been if hadn't become sick. For me, I need to see reasons for the suffering. God doesn't always allow us to see it but He has been so kind to let me see purpose in this illness of mine.

As I have said many times before, I would never have started a blog, never spent time online, never really saw the bigger picture of "the church". Boy has God opened my eyes.What an amazing privilege it has been to get to know so many of you. I have not laid my eyes on one of you (oh except the few of you that I know in real life) and yet I feel as if I really do know you. Your lives have inspired me. Your love of the Savior has spurred me on to want to love Him more. The way many of you have walked through deep pain and loss has taught me how to cling to God. You've shown me how to really trust. How amazing of God to bring people together this way.

God also has put some very unlikely people into my life. People that in my "normal" life I would have passed by. They did not fit my mold. I can be one to make snap judgments about people. "Nope, she is not like me." She and I have nothing in common." "Her shoes aren't cute!" Yes, I said "her shoes aren't cute", that actually mattered to me. (might still a little bit) Anyway, I have grown to love some "unlikelys" in my life.

I want to tell you about one of them. Her name is Vicky. I met her on a Christian forum. When she would post her responses I could not read them because of the misspelled words. I did not take the time to try to figure out what they said. I judged that maybe it wasn't worth reading. THEN God brought her into chat one night about the Bible study we were doing. She was up front about her learning disability and the fact that she could not spell. SLAP! And this woman...oh does she have a story to tell. She is one of the brightest, sweetest, grace filled people I have ever had the honor to call my friend. A life of pain and heartache that would have made most bitter has become a life that wants nothing more than to bring glory to God and happiness to those around her.

We matter in the lives of others. What we say, words we speak over them, they matter!! We are all a part of the body of Christ. We may look different, sound different, go to different churches but we are all part of one body! Oh I am so glad that the Lord saw fit to keep me home so that I could see outside my box and truly understand what it means to mean be part of something bigger. This journey of ours is far from over. Thanks for letting me in on your lives and thanks for taking an interest in mine.

Just more beauty...

Worthy of Praise

God is worthy of my praise. Period! He is worthy of it. Not because He answers one way or another. Not because He gives what I ask. Not because of anything except because of who He is. I had decided that no matter the test results of my biopsies, I would praise Him. He does not change just because my circumstances do. He is the same God that I praised yesterday and I would continue to praise Him.

However...the biopsies are BENIGN!! I sobbed. Not sure that it was relief, gratitude or just what caused the tears. But this I do know. God will use this, it will not be a wasted experience. He has already used it. Because of the impending tests, Don stopped the divorce and decided it would be best if we just remained legally separated. This way there would be no issues with my health insurance. He is not intending to ever get back together, but we don't know what God is up to in this!! My heart had become hardened toward Don. I was not praying for him or for the restoration of our marriage. I miss him right now though. Wish he was here with me to celebrate God's faithfulness.

If we don't think God is in control of ALL circumstances...let me just tell you how it went when I got the phone call from the doctor today. My phone rang, it was Don (hubby) calling to see how I was doing and if I had heard anything. The other line beeps in and I can see it is the doctor. So I tell Don that I will call him back and let him know. Of course, after I hear the great news I knew I had to call Don right away because he would be sitting there wondering. So even though our marriage is "over", God still made it so that my husband would be the first to know. Isn't that just so like God?

Thank you all for your prayers. They were physically felt by me. God is still holding me in His refiner's fire and bringing beauty from the ashes. YOU are part of that beauty.