A Ramble

I've been blown off course a bit over the past month or so. I could say that life got in the way but I think that is one of the lamest excuses around!! We cant' be blown off course unless we allow it. And I allowed it.



It's been a dry season in my relationship with God. Not sure why exactly. I know these seasons come and go but I am ready for this one to be over. NOW. At church we have bee going through a series of sermons based on Hebrews 11. As we've studied each of these amazing men & women of faith I have been convicted. Convicted that I am not willing to do whatever God asks. Convicted that I worry too much and show my lack of faith. Convicted that God does have a plan and has made me a promise. I need to keep clinging to that.



He will bring beauty from ashes in my life. He is!!



David and I go back to court on Tuesday. The information we were given in April wasn't correct and he is facing bigger things than we realized. Still....I believe it's all good! God allowed this to happen for a reason and now I need to trust that God does love my son more than I love him. And that God will be protecting David. (Of course, we'd appreciate your prayers)



Philippians 1:6 says "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus".



God began a good work in me, in David, in Ellie and even in Don. I want to be confident in that promise that HE will carry it out to completion.



Sorry I've been gone so long. I will try to do better. (no promises though, ha) I'll leave you with a picture. We went to a CUBS game last weekend. Can you even believe how far God has brought me physically!! I sure do love HIM.

Guess Who's GOING to Dinner Part 2

So....last week I wrote this post, please go read it and catch up if you haven't already.

I was so thrilled, yet nervous, that both of the kids would be sitting down to a meal with their dad. I just knew this would be the beginning of great things and lots of healing.

HA!! Funny how I had it all figured out in my head. Not to bore you with details, but it didn't happen as I planned. David did not feel comfortable with me going (thought it was awkward) and Ellie would not go without me. So, David went alone and met Don for dinner.

Here is where God amazes me! I was beyond distraught. You know when you cry and you literally are shaking? Yep, that was me. I couldn't figure out why God wasn't making this work. All of you were praying. I had comments, emails, FB messages from so many of you that were interceding for us that evening.

Couldn't sleep....so I came and sat on "the perch" around 1:30 am. Crying. Hard! As soon as I sat down my email notification chimed and I hesitated. I thought I shouldn't open the laptop that I should just spend time alone with the Lord. But I did read it. And it was yet another encouraging comment. Only this one was directly from GOD.

Robin over at This Is Me had this to say, "Praying!!! I was just flipping through my verses on index cards and one of my favorites caught my eye tonight...Zechariah 4:10..."Who despises the day of small things? Men will rejoice when they see the plumb line in the hand of Zerubbabel."

So, I went and looked up that verse in The Message to get a better handle on its meaning. It says "Does anyone dare despise the day of small beginnings?"

Do you see it? Just as the temple had to be rebuilt one stone at a time and it looked as if it was an insurmountable task, so it is with our family. Do I dare despise the small beginnings that are taking place. MY SON IS HAVING DINNER WITH HIS DAD. That is huge!! One day at a time we will rebuild relationships between Don, David and Ellie. I am praising God for the new beginnings. And asking His forgiveness for losing faith.

He IS faithful. There IS beauty. When God is involved it cannot fail.

I love you all and thank you for your friendship, your love for our family and your continued prayers.

Guess Who's GOING to Dinner

Really quick post to update and ask for prayer.

Most of you know that David and Ellie (my kids) won't see their dad or even speak to him. One of the pieces of beauty that has come from David's "trouble" a few weeks ago is that he and his dad have been communicating via text quite a bit. So, this past Monday night the two of them met for dinner.

Don called yesterday and asked if Ellie wanted to meet with he & David for dinner tonight. (WHAT?? I didn't even know that they had plans to get together again.) Ellie said she wouldn't go and I asked if it would help if I went along.

So....guess who is going to dinner tonight?! My kids need their dad and although this is one of the last things I want to do...I will do it!

Please pray. Please Praise God for all that HE is doing.

Bring on the beauty!

Mercy Covering

He has to flee.

He is satan. When God's people pray, He flees.

As I got ready to hit the publish button on my last post, I hesitated. When this blog first began it was read by people who I had never met. Now....there are many that read it that I know in real life. I did not want to bring further shame to my son, so I hesitated.

Wow, did God show Himself faithful. Within hours of that post going out and the prayers, emails and comments came flooding in....life in the walls of this house changed. David's attitude changed. His heart was softening. We talked and talked and talked. This is going to be one of the best things to ever happen in David's life. Just one more part of the puzzle that will make up an incredible story that he will share one day.

Friday was court day. God's mercy covered my son. God's love made sure that David is going to get the help he needs and not the punishment that would have been much more simple. (in man's eyes) I am sorry to sound vague but just want you to know that your prayers were felt, appreciated and effective.

One day, David will understand that people across the world cared enough about him to take him before God's throne. One day, David will be used mightily and he will have the chance to give back.

Beauty from ashes. Believing it!

Get Out!!

Satan came knocking yesterday.


Well...he didn't knock...he barged right in. AGAIN!


This time he's after my son. David is facing some very, VERY tough consequences for a choice he made. But satan would like to use this to turn David even further away from the Lord.


I am declaring war. David is not up for grabs. As a young child he prayed to receive Christ and I believe that he is sealed, a child of God and belongs to Jesus. This could be a turning point in David's life. I want to believe that it will be!


Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Phil 1:6


Please pray with me that I will parent as God leads me. That David will have remorse for his actions. Pray for mercy on Friday as he has to face the judge. (literally) I have always known that God has huge plans for David's life and I will not let satan win. He may be winning some of the battles but he won't win the war.


Thanks for joining me in the fight! Let's slam the door on the evil one.

The Perch

I don't sit on the perch any more.

In so many ways that is a good thing. Because of the measure of healing that God has given me, I don't find myself confined to my house and to the perch. (my couch, for those of you who haven't been around)

But...in many ways, it's not such a great thing. I don't find I need Jesus as much. So I don't spend the time with Him that I should. Makes me sad to think that for 18 months I sat here and begged for healing, He gave it and I walked away. There is something about being in the midst of terrible trials that really is a "gift". I wouldn't know my God the way I do if it hadn't been for the horrible mess of the past 3 years.

I want to want to spend with the Lord. Does that make sense? Not because I am forced onto the perch but because He is what makes my soul complete. Because He is the only source of true joy. He is peace. I want to love Him more just because!!

Life here has been full and empty and exciting and sad and joy filled and heartbreaking. Probably like many of your lives. No matter what my life holds though, God is IN IT!!

Three years ago when I got sick I never imagined that the kids and I would get to take a trip. Yep....we drove to Florida. (I DROVE to Florida) God blessed us with the most amazing time ever! We needed this time away from "reality" and it was good for each of us. I am still praying that God would break the kids' hearts for what breaks HIS. I believe they need to connect with their dad, but....well, it doesn't look good from the world's eyes. But I know that God holds us in the palm of His hand.

Oh yes, last time I was here I told you that God had given me a gift. Funny how things change! He brought an amazing man into my life. He is good for me, he is good for the kids, he is one of those people that is just loved by everyone. Now God has moved him to another state. I am still believing that God has plans for our future together but that I needed time without him so that I could get my relationship with Jesus back on track. It's all good!

I'm back on the perch today and I plan to be back here often.

Dance. Laugh.

On Saturday I posted the song that has been running through my mind almost continuously. The song is "Stones Under Rushing Water" by Needtobreathe. Please click here and go listen if you haven't already. I told you that there were many thoughts I wanted to share. I am going to try and put those thoughts down here.

Many have emailed me after I posted that song believing that I was in a "bad" place, maybe sad, maybe depressed, dealing with hard things. Actually, the song reminds me of how important it is to make the most of this life we are given!! One time around...that's what we get. We need to live this life very intentionally. Aware of each and every moment we are given.

The song begins with the words, "Why don't we dance any more? I'm not okay with that. Why don't we laugh any more? I'm not okay with that". I want to live my life like that. Not settling for the mediocre or just getting by. I want to dance, I want to laugh. God made us that way. To enjoy life. To make the most of every second He has gifted us with.

The song goes on to say that "the years go by like stones under rushing water". Picture that. As the river flows quickly, the stones under it go speeding by, unable to get them back. That's how fast our lives go by. "We only know when it's gone". We might think that we have all the time in the world, but we don't know how much time we are promised. We can't get them back.

This is not meant to be a depressing post. It's meant to remind me to be so very intentional!! If there is not smiling and dancing - don't settle!! And I am not talking about my failed marriage here. Sure....I sometimes wish that I hadn't held on as long as I did, but it is what it is!! I want to find joy in all things.

I really want my kids to understand how quickly this life is fleeting. This is time that they cannot get back with their dad. The years race by. I don't want them to be okay with that, I want them to embrace this life and all that God has in store for them.

The other thing that really strikes me is how intentional I need to be about sharing Christ. God has given us each one time - one huge gift - in allowing us to share His name with those He places in our lives. We best take advantage of that. It (this life) is racing by. What is our purpose here? What is my purpose here?

Boy, I want to make the most of it!! I don't want to look back and see where the years rushed by and I didn't enjoy them, I don't want to have a life of regrets, I want to dance and laugh and make His name known.

There's a lot more going on in my life that I want to share with you. And yes....it pertains to this song as well. God has given me another huge gift. I am not sure why He continues to bless me. I guess it's just His nature. You all know by now that I don't like long posts, so I will share about this "gift"with you next time.

For today....dance....laugh.....share Jesus....the years are rushing by.

My New Anthem

I have woken up with this song in my mind almost every single day this week. I am not so sure what I am supposed to add to it, so for now I will just post the song. I know that I have many words to write, so I'll be back.

Trust Issues

I've been having trust issues.

Major trust issues.

Not with another human being. With God. I am just flat out not trusting Him.

How do I know? Because I am filled with fear. Anxiety. Questioning. Tears come way too easily. I am easily angered. All the "what-ifs" race through my head faster than I keep up with them.

Here's the deal....I am trying to trust God for something or to do something. I am not just simply trusting Him. So when things don't go as I think I need or my kids are hurt or I am heartbroken or money runs out or my illness flares...I start believing the lies that God isn't trustworthy. Or maybe it's that I believe He isn't really listening in the first place.

Whoever said that putting our trust in God was about trusting Him to answer to US?? We trust Him because He is worthy. We trust Him because He loves us so much that He sent His Son to die so that we could have a relationship with Him. We trust Him because the Bible tells us to. We trust Him because His character has been proven. (Like He needs to prove Himself!! I have to wonder if He is shaking His head at me right now)

He is the God who heals the brokenhearted. The God who forgives EVERY sin and does not hold it against us. The God who never forgets to make the sun rise. The God who knows the number of stars and the number of hairs on our heads. He is the God of second chances (and beyond). He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is the God who holds it ALL in the palm of His hand. He is the God whose eyes NEVER LEAVE US!

That is what I need to trust. He never leaves me. There is not a moment in my day that He is not fully aware of me, what is happening, how I feel, what I need.

He knows me. And yet He still loves me!

Lord, forgive me for not trusting. Forgive my anxious thoughts. Forgive me for asking to you to prove yourself. Fill me with a renewed sense of who you really are. May I put my trust, my life, my relationships, my kids fully and completely in your hands.

You ARE worthy.