This is one of those posts (once again) where I am compelled to write, but I don't know what. That's when I really know God is teaching me something or showing me something. So, you're along for the ride and will learn with me I guess!!
Don (my husband) has been gone for 5 months now. Honestly, the time has flown and that in itself is a little scary to me. You would think the days would be dragging by and I would be missing him and sad. I don't know if it's God's mercy that the sadness hasn't set in, if I was just ready for the heartache to stop or if I am once again stuffing how I feel. I'm asking God to reveal Himself to me and if there is anything that needs changing in my heart, I want to know.
This is what I do know...God is softening my heart towards Don and I want to cry out "stop it, please don't make me go there". But HE knows best and I will follow -maybe with a little kicking and screaming. For some reason I have found myself defending Don lately. (you know how it's okay for YOU to say something bad about a family member, but nobody else better do it?) Well, that's me right now. I am seeing him as a hurting man who needs Jesus. He is trying with the kids, he really is. It may not be what I would do but it is what it is. And yet the kids don't respond. There's been a little movement but they still haven't seen him. Honestly, I think he deserves their time and they need to see him. That is when I wonder "who am I, and who has overtaken my body?"
Please pray for Don that He would come to know Jesus. Pray that God would reveal Himself. That Don would put his guard down long enough to let the Healer in. He needs healing. But don't we all? I love my husband, I just don't love his behavior. I love my children's father, I just don't like how he parents. Well I am not the judge! Who cares if I like it, I am still called to pray! I cried today for him. My heart breaks for him and not so much for myself. Yes, I miss him, yes it's lonely, but he is a broken man. I have the assurance that I am a child of The Most High God who is slowing putting the pieces of my life back together.
Soften me Lord. Give me a heart of compassion. Take away my pride. (oh I hate it) Put me back in that refiner's fire for another opportunity to look more like you. I feel it happening deep in my soul, something is shifting. I am scared but I know you are in it. Wherever you are is where I want to be.
These are the verses God has shown me over and over from Isaiah 40:28-31...Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
HE does not grow weary. His understanding we cannot fathom. He will give us strength and power. I can soar on wings like eagles, I can run and not grow weary if I hope in the LORD.
I want to place my hope in the LORD, how about you?