Thursday, November 5, 2009

And God...

I never cried with anyone about my marriage ending.

Not a soul.

I didn't sit with someone and talk about it and cry. Nobody hugged me and told me they were sorry. No tears were shared.

I am not saying that I didn't cry. I'm saying that I have done it alone. It's almost 2:00 in the morning and I find myself crying in my pillow again.

Why? Why alone?

Part of it (I think) is because it was a slow process and I didn't really think it would happen. Denial? Maybe. But I truly thought God was going to knit our family back together. So I never really took the time to grieve along the way. I didn't believe we'd be divorced.

The other thing is...my biggest fear in life has been being alone and unwanted. If I cried and really let go then I would be admitting that my fear was coming true. Well, I am alone and he doesn't want me. And I need to cry. I need to mourn. I don't want it to be this way.

But it is. And God knew. And God heals. And God hears my cries. And God stores my tears. And God never leaves me. And God wants me. And God will never tire of my cry for restoration. And God loves. And God plans. And God holds me. And God is faithful. And God redeems. And God never forgets. And God cries with me. AND GOD IS!


45 comments:

Alece said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alece said...

nobody hugged you and told you they were sorry? that makes my heart ache. i am so sorry. that's a whole other betrayal and pain heaped onto all the rest.

i understand the withdrawal. the suffering in silence. feeling like to fully embrace the situation actually makes it real.

but i've also been surprised along the way with a friend i quickly grew to lean on. to be real and raw with. i've cried with her on the phone, on webcam, in her arms on the bathroom floor.

and that is not me!

i'm a private person by nature. i don't like talking openly about my heart. i try to avoid crying in front of people. trust is a constant challenge.

and here i was feeling bathroom floor safe with a friend i'd only (really) known for three months.

God provided just who i needed. and He broke down the walls of my heart so i could let her in. (...let Him in through her.) often in this past year i've heard Him say "let Me love you through her and the others in your life."

i am praying for that kind of friendship for you. for God's provision and for the tearing down of walls. because there is healing in community. a different kind of healing than you can experience anywhere else.

you are not alone, sheryl. and i'm so sorry that you have felt like you are for so long.

i'm here.

Miss Ashley said...

Sheryl, I wish I was there. There would give me no greater pleasure than to wrap my arms around you and let you cry. I hope you know that. I hope you know that i wish I was there.

I pray fiercely that you know God has placed people in your life that desire to love you, to cry with you even if we can't physically be there to wrap our arms around you. But oh how I wish I could.

Tonight, God showed up for me through someone else and I pray with all my might that he will provide someone to be the messenger for Him, for you. To be the arms, and the rock, and the smile. To be the words you need to hear and the ears you need to listen. to be the person to remind you that God is here and has been there all along.

My heart aches for you tonight, it aches with you tonight. i hate that you have to suffer through this, i hate what the divorce is doing to your family, has done to your family. when i wrote that post about thanksgiving, i hated knowing that your kids may someday have to have the exact same conversation. i pray daily that God spares you the pain, that he gives you the strength to get through the day both physically and emotionally. that he shelters your kids and he makes his reasons known.

i am sorry, beyond sorry that this is the mess that God has thrown you in. that he hasn't spared you from this. the he hasn't reached down his hand and pulled you from this.

i am angry for you that you thought that you were headed down a path of healing, a path of separation for the better and it has been twisted and turned into knots. that you are lost and you don't know how you got here, there, wherever you are.

and whether you know it today or not, you were not alone when you cried, when you were in denial, when reality hit you, YOU WERE NOT ALONE.

You got it right there at the end... God was holding you, he was crying with you, he was crying for you, he is faithful and redeeming. He is there. He is here. He is with you. He is sorry.

And Sheryl, I may not be on the floor with you, or in the bathroom searching for yet another box of tissues, but know as much as I wish I could be there, right now, I am right here.

i am here.

laurette said...

I love you, Sheryl. Continuing to pray for you.

Tia said...

And God... All God. God's arms are the best to cry into. From God through me... (shy hug) It might not be much but I hope it makes you feel cared about.

Deb said...

As He has assured me in my desperation in the past and continues to, "I Am enough". He is enough. He knows every bit and healing will come. Continue to let the grief come and it will come less and less and one day a wholeness will be instead.
His love to you this day - Deb

C.C. and Double T said...

Praying for you, friend. I can't imagine. I mean, we all have our own hurts, but each one is different and unique. Just like you. The Father knows you and loves you. Turn to Him... let Him hug you and comfort you. I know, that sounds cliche, but it is true. I am at a loss for words because I have not been in your shoes. I will pray. For God to comfort you and for God to bring someone tangible who can be His hands and feet to comfort you.

-stephanie- said...

I cannot wait for the day that we get to see satan thrown in hell for all the evil and hurt that he caused. I hate divorce, and the hurt that people go through. I'm crying with you and you made me realize that I never hugged or told my sister that I was sorry that she was going through a divorce. It's been awhile since her divorce, but she is still hurting. Once again you have encouraged me.

AnneSee3 said...

Consider yourself thoroughly hugged. And I'll consider myself hugged back in return.

He & Me + 3 said...

Sending big (((hugs))) your way. I am sorry this has happened and that you are hurting so badly. You are not alone and never will be...He is with you & we are here to pray alongside you.
Hugs,
Mimi

About Erin... said...

Sheryl,

Your honesty in this post has been eye-opening to me. I have a sister in law who just found out she will be divorcing and it is not what she wants. Now I know that what she needs is just a friend...someone who will listen and cry with her rather than offer advice.

There is nothing worse than lonliness. That is really when the devil can take advantage of our minds. I am thankful that you remember God in times like that. He never leaves us...ever.

You have a beautiful spirit. I am glad to call you my sister in Christ.

Erin

Amrita said...

my heart , tears and love are for you Sheryl

Melanie said...

oh Sheryl, there are no words. but many many *hug* to you from way over here!!! love you!

pipedi said...

I get your blog through Google Reader, and I just wanted to tell you that your post today was "sandwiched" between Lysa TerKerust's blog post titled "Chosen" and her Proverbs 31 post named "Rejection," in which she talks about how Jesus has chosen us, has his eyes glued on us, even when we feel the sting of rejection here on earth.

God was telling me that you are special, surrounded by His love and care!

Jenn @ A Country Girl's Ramblings said...

Sheryl, this was an amazing post! God knows... He loves us and wants us. He is all around us our protector and sustainer.
I'm praying for you friend!

Alexis said...

Nobody cried with you? I know what you mean, but it's not true. We have cried with you. I have cried with you.

Praying for you.

Michelle said...

Consider this a BIG HUG and a heartfelt, "I'm so sorry that this is happening. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this."

And I wouldn't call it denial. I would call it hope. You were listening to the Lord...and he wasn't. God DID want to restore your marriage. But your husband didn't listen. It's not YOU. It was him. His bad choices. His selfishness. You held on. You had hope. You stayed true. You did the right thing. And through it all...God's Word POURS out of you. You are a light and an inspiration...God is all OVER YOU. You are so not alone... But..sometimes it's good to have a Jesus with skin on...and I pray that you open up to someone close to you. Be brave...talk...cry...open up...share it with someone....xoxoxox

Samantha said...

May the God of all hope continue to comfort your heart! Sending cyber hugs your way and praying for God's peace to surround you today.

ShEiLa said...

Sheryl,
thinking about you...
the rest of the day. May God hold you while you cry.

ToOdLeS.

ps. WE may be alot alike... I prefer to cry privately. Maybe because crying usually isn't pretty.

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

Sweet friend....I wish I could write you a book today....but am wlaking out the door to a long tree day.....My thoughts will be of you all day...You are amazing and your writing shows your heart...and my heart hugs your heart today.....
With love,
Teresa

Farmgirl Paints said...

Such a comfort to know that we are NEVER alone!!

Lauresa said...

I am here, too, Sheryl.
Praying
love
reese

Courtney and the Boys said...

Wishing I could hug you right through this computer. How about I hug my computer? Then you hug yours and the hug will be transmitted.

Prayers to you, my friend.

Paula (SweetPea) said...

Thank God for God!!!

Alexis said...

I am sorry you are going through this, I read the supportive comments and you are truly not alone. I am sorry others-Michelle-try to place blame on your husband as we all know it takes two and both people have done wrong, both people have regrets, not just one. I hope you are better today and realize you are supported.

Lemonade Makin' Mama said...

Boy isn't this last statement you made the truth. God is so good.

KEE said...

Sheryl my heart aches for you. I so wish I could take some of your pain away, I can't but God can and that has always been my prayer for you. I'm here if you need to talk.
Sending you a great big hug!
Kiesha

Beautiful pear tree lane said...

Yes!! HE DOES!! Sheryl, and so do I, I would give anything to be able to hold you and cry with you.

God has brought you through this thus far and He is going to finish it!! Why?Because Sheryl knows in whom she has believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which Sheryl has committed to Him until that day!! Praise the Lord!!

You are such a light here in blogland. Thank you for sharing you heart.
Blessings and hugs,
sue

nancygrayce said...

I have been in your shoes! First I lost a good friend because she just couldn't be hanging with a divorced woman! (since reconciled) But I do understand the terrible need to just have someone listen! Not even give advice, just listen. I'm so sorry and I'm praying that God will send just the right person to you and then just vent!

Nicole said...

I was drawn to your blog tonight. Praying for you. Your real and rawness rocks!!! Your pain is a sweet aroma. That may be hard to imagine, but it's true.

Love you sweet friend. Just like the rest I am sending big HUGS and Huge prayers filled with so much love!

~Nicole

Sassy Granny ... said...

Oh sister, this really touched my heart! And from the looks of the comments, it's touched many others as well. Together we form one HUGE hug!

In the late 80s my own husband decided it was time for a mid-life walk-about. It included his plan to divorce and a host of other devastating choices. We still had two teens in the home; one in the military. I layed awake many a night telling God I'd prefer death to the gut-wrenching pain of rejection.

My story ended differently, but it took many years to get beyond the hurt. I cry whenever I hear tell of another going through anything even remotely similar.

Yes, God is there. And though it's hard to fathom now, your best days are just ahead.

As one counselor told me: "In but three turns around the moon, this will heal." I then asked, "How long is that?", to which he replied: "When it does."

God bless you, and if ever you need to chat, please call. I'll gladly send my phone number by email.

Hugs and more hugs,
Kathleen

Just a little something from Judy said...

Maybe you were not aware of it, but I have had tears numerous times when I visited your blog. Being a mother and a grandmother, I want desperately to make it all okay. I want to correct the hurt and heartache, send it away, and tell you it will all be better. That is what I want for you, so I continue talking to God, because He can do far more to make the whole situation better than I ever could. I would give you a hug this evening if I could. Please remember tonight that you are loved by so many of us in blogland...but even better, you are loved unconditionally and tenderly by your Heavenly Father, and someday this all will make sense to you.

Jennifer said...

Praying for healing, for you & your family.

Shirley said...

I learned all of this in a mighty way when we lost our daughter last year. You have experienced your own grief, and it hurts as badly, and God is there as mightily! I am so sorry you have experienced this loss in your life. {{{hugs}}}

sonja said...

Sheryl:
Just came across your posting. Oh my goodness... there is not a person who reads these words who doesn't want to just surround you with a collective hug today! The honesty and stripped bare sharing of your soul is touching each of us. The song Kathleen shared today on Sassy Granny just touches all of these hurts and is such a reminder of what you've shared, that GOD is there!
Love and blessings!

Laura said...

My sweet friend... I knew some of the pain that you were going thru but I know that the pain you have gone thru that our heavenly Father has been with you thru it. If you were right here, I would cry with you and hug you. Just know of how much you are loved and that our Father is holding you and guiding you.
I love ya.

Sheryl said...

Sheryl,

I feel so bad. You know that if I could I would come and put my arms around you and let you cry on my shoulder.

Remember that God cries with you. He knew this would happen but I know it makes Him sad to see one of His very own hurting.

Rest in HIS arms today.

Please know I am praying for you.

Blessings~

Jackie said...

Hey Sheryl,

First of all I want to tell you that I'm praying for you - I've been where you are. I came over to your site from Sassy Granny's site and wish I could put my arm around you and give you a hug and just let you cry or talk or share coffee and let you unload. I humbly ask that maybe you drop by my site and read my post "The Rescue". The Lord had me post it a week or so ago and I share my heart about the time I was grieving, broken and undone -

http://freshoiltoday.blogspot.com/2009_10_01_archive.html

I pray that it would minister to your heart and encourage you.

You are not alone!

Sweet Blessings!
Jackie

~*Michelle*~ said...

Like all your other friends here......I just want to jump through this monitor and give you a big warm hug. No one deserves to feel the way you have been.....just as much as no one deserves to be treated as you have been.

I am praying that you continue to feel God's loving arms around you no matter where you are. You are never alone. He loves you and is with you always......He is catching every tear.

xox

Heather of the EO said...

I'm here (late and yet at the perfect time) today. I don't think you were looking for some kind of sympathy for never crying with anyone. Your message of never truly being alone is so clear to me. All day today I worried about my friend who was "alone" while her baby had his heart surgery, but she was never alone. I know that, but I needed to know it in the way you just said it.

It's been far too long since I've been by here. Not because I could ever tire of you, but because of all of this moving business we've got going on. I've missed you and just thought of you today, even before your comment. Just saying :)

Beth E. said...

Sheryl,
I, too, came over from Sassy Granny's. Your post touches and breaks my heart, all at the same time.

There is a similar situation going on with a family member of mine. She has just found out that her husband is having an affair. She is preparing for divorce.

Please know that there are many people praying for you. You are definitely not alone.

Blessings,
Beth E.

His Girl said...

I feel like such a poser that I'm only now getting over here to comment.

girl, you know my love for you is deep and wide. i'm so excited about what God does in you and through you that sometimes I could just burst.

you know I stink at commenting, but I triple pink puffy heart you.

wish you were next door to me. 'specially now.

Pam said...

I am so sorry, If we were together we would both cry for our lost marriages...

Lilies of the Field said...

i stumbled upon your blog tonight.. .
thought i would share this song_ it's been a comfort to me on nights when all i could do was cry and cry...
HE never does let go.

Lilies of the Field said...

David Crowder Band-Never Let Go

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jHrbXEcee8