It is almost impossible for me to believe that it's been a year. One year ago today, Don left. We separated after being married 17 years. Now it's been an entire year of our lives that we've spent apart. An entire year that neither of us can ever get back.
It all started with one decision. In all honesty we know that a marriage doesn't end over one decision but on that particular day, it took one decision to decide to separate. That decision was mine. I made it. I suggested it. No, I demanded it. Finally. Deep down I knew that there was no way our family could heal if we stayed together. For years I had pushed that knowledge down because I didn't want to be alone. It was too scary a thought for me. For years I denied the truth that was staring me in the face. Nothing would ever change if everything remained the same. I feared that if we lived apart that I wouldn't have control (never had it in the first place). I feared that he might choose to truly walk away and not get the help we all needed. I feared that he might find someone else. I feared! All the what-ifs kept me from making a decision that so desperately needed to be made.
By no means am I saying that Don was the only one at fault. It always takes two. But I believe I enabled an unhealthy marriage to continue to die without having the courage to get it the help it needed. One decision. Can't turn back time but I wish I had made that decision years ago. Our family might still be in tact. But, here's the thing...God's timing is perfect. That decision was meant to be made on just that day.
That day. It also marks the day I said good-bye to an addiction that had held me in bondage for the 5 previous years. When I needed to escape or calm the anxiety or fill the boredom IT was there. I didn't consciously decide to put away that addiction on that day, it was just a non-issue from that point on. How is that even possible? At the time in my life when I would think I would run to it for comfort and escape, it was no longer necessary. Only God. I didn't even ask for Him to take it away. I believe He came in and filled the empty places - the places that I had thought Don would fill - the places that never got filled because it's impossible for another human to fill them. I didn't need to run to "it" any more to escape my life.
One decision. It can change the course of your life and the lives of many others. This alone time, as I've said before, has allowed me to write and to be a part of an online Bible study. I'm not by any means saying that I am glad I got separated so that I could do all these other things. But I am saying that each choice, each decision we make has purpose if we allow God into it. As I am doing the Esther study and learning how critical each step is in our destiny, I want to be sure my steps are following right behind God.
One year later, I find that the one decision has brought healing. It's not the way I thought it was going to look, but the story is not over yet. We have many more decisions to make. Lord, position me in such a way that I am pointing in the direction you want to take me. Keep me open to your calling. Fight off the bitterness that could so easily entangle. Give me a heart and a desire to pray for Don. Wisdom for each new decision. Your wisdom only.
What decisions do you need to make? Each step, each choice we make can bring us closer to our destiny. I pray that you are able to walk in the freedom of Christ, knowing that HE is the one guiding your path.
Celebrating today. NOT my separation. Celebrating a God that loves me enough to bring me peace. Celebrating a God that has given me freedom from addiction. A God that is pursuing my husband's heart. A God that will bring good from all of this. Peace. Right now, there is no greater thing.