I was talking with a friend tonight. About our passions. Our purpose. Joy.
She asked this question, "do you know where I want to be"? And she answered it by quoting Job 13:15. "Though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him."
Tears are streaming down my face. No matter what...I WILL trust in Him. All of life can be turned upside down. We can lose everything and everyone. But He is still trustworthy.
I am so glad to be where I am today. The illness has been awful. The divorce left me reeling with feelings of rejection. My life has been riddled with loss. It's been full, yet empty. Does that even make sense?
But I know my Savior. He is bringing more beauty into my life from these ashes than I could ever have hoped or dreamed. What I thought was going to happen - it pales in comparison to what God is doing. I could not have imagined that my life would intersect with people all over the globe. How would I know that the loss I suffered would help heal someone else's pain. Who would believe that 18 months trapped at home would prove to be the most freeing time of my life.
Only God! May He find me saying "Though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him".
(thank you, Julie!)
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Finally
It's all been about love.
From the beginning...am I loved?
Am I accepted? Wanted? Heard?
Running to anything to fill that need. Anything.
Yet "anything" just leaves me empty.
Am I loved?
I settle. I compromise. I sin.
I run.
He stays. He waits.
Fear, denial and anger are my closest companions.
They don't love me. They leave me empty.
What am I missing? Who am I missing?
He waits for me.
He is God and He loves me.
I run back. I confess. I get real. I lay it down.
I believe. Finally.
I AM LOVED!!
"And I pray that I being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge."
Ephesians 3-17-19
From the beginning...am I loved?
Am I accepted? Wanted? Heard?
Running to anything to fill that need. Anything.
Yet "anything" just leaves me empty.
Am I loved?
I settle. I compromise. I sin.
I run.
He stays. He waits.
Fear, denial and anger are my closest companions.
They don't love me. They leave me empty.
What am I missing? Who am I missing?
He waits for me.
He is God and He loves me.
I run back. I confess. I get real. I lay it down.
I believe. Finally.
I AM LOVED!!
"And I pray that I being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge."
Ephesians 3-17-19
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
His Hope
Have you heard the song, "The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets? I have been listening to it a lot lately. I'm actually listening to it right now. It's almost 5:00 am. I haven't been to sleep yet. There are so many things going through my mind and my heart - it is hard to sleep. So, here I am.
Here are some of the words... "be strong in the Lord and never give up hope. You're gonna do great things. I already know. God's got His hand on you, so don't live life in fear. Forgive and forget but don't forget why you're here. Take your time and pray. These are the words I would say from one simple life to another."
Powerful words! These ARE the words that I would say to some people in my life. From my own children, to friends I know in real life to some that I have had the pleasure of meeting through this blog. Draw your strength from the Lord. Keep going back over and over and over. I know we can grow weary but if we return to the Father, He will renew our strength. It may not be on our time table. Most often it is not.
I believe in you. More importantly, God believes in you. He has a purpose for your life. Don't forget it! Keep pressing into Him. I don't say these things as someone who has it all together or as someone who has it figured out. Like the song says..."from one simple life to another".
This life of mine has been redeemed from the deepest pit of sin. I know what it's like to run from God straight toward destruction. On purpose! Please don't give up on the Lord. Cry out. He will meet you wherever you are. In whatever way you need to come to Him. Just come. Do not give up!!
There is hope in the Father. The only source of true hope comes from God. As bad as it seems...God is there and He wants to fill your life with HIS HOPE.
Here are some of the words... "be strong in the Lord and never give up hope. You're gonna do great things. I already know. God's got His hand on you, so don't live life in fear. Forgive and forget but don't forget why you're here. Take your time and pray. These are the words I would say from one simple life to another."
Powerful words! These ARE the words that I would say to some people in my life. From my own children, to friends I know in real life to some that I have had the pleasure of meeting through this blog. Draw your strength from the Lord. Keep going back over and over and over. I know we can grow weary but if we return to the Father, He will renew our strength. It may not be on our time table. Most often it is not.
I believe in you. More importantly, God believes in you. He has a purpose for your life. Don't forget it! Keep pressing into Him. I don't say these things as someone who has it all together or as someone who has it figured out. Like the song says..."from one simple life to another".
This life of mine has been redeemed from the deepest pit of sin. I know what it's like to run from God straight toward destruction. On purpose! Please don't give up on the Lord. Cry out. He will meet you wherever you are. In whatever way you need to come to Him. Just come. Do not give up!!
There is hope in the Father. The only source of true hope comes from God. As bad as it seems...God is there and He wants to fill your life with HIS HOPE.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
All Things New
I have to start out with a huge THANK YOU to each of you. Your comments on my previous post are possibly the greatest gifts I have ever received. If you aren't one who normally reads through the comments, I would encourage you to go there and do that. You will see there what the body of Christ in action really looks like. You amaze me and I am humbled by your love for me and my family.
This is the verse that keeps coming to my mind in the middle of this night...
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19
I have written about this verse before. Maybe several times. These past few days though...it's as if I can feel it happening. God is doing a new thing. In my heart. In my mind. In my decisions. He is making the way. It's scary, not sure where He's leading.
Physically, I've not been feeling very well. That comes with this illness. You never know when the good days will disappear for awhile. But since I've not been well I've spent all of my time at home. Pretty much alone. At first that was depressing. But when you are trapped alone, who else do you have to talk with but God?? Not so bad after all.
God is asking me to risk myself in friendships. Put myself out there. Be a better friend. That is new. God is telling me that is okay to put myself first sometimes. That is new. God is telling me that it's okay to move on. That is new. But He is also telling me, reminding me, that I will not be doing any of these things alone. He will make a way. He will bring water in the desert.
Make me new and bring on the new thing....
This is the verse that keeps coming to my mind in the middle of this night...
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19
I have written about this verse before. Maybe several times. These past few days though...it's as if I can feel it happening. God is doing a new thing. In my heart. In my mind. In my decisions. He is making the way. It's scary, not sure where He's leading.
Physically, I've not been feeling very well. That comes with this illness. You never know when the good days will disappear for awhile. But since I've not been well I've spent all of my time at home. Pretty much alone. At first that was depressing. But when you are trapped alone, who else do you have to talk with but God?? Not so bad after all.
God is asking me to risk myself in friendships. Put myself out there. Be a better friend. That is new. God is telling me that is okay to put myself first sometimes. That is new. God is telling me that it's okay to move on. That is new. But He is also telling me, reminding me, that I will not be doing any of these things alone. He will make a way. He will bring water in the desert.
Make me new and bring on the new thing....
Thursday, November 5, 2009
And God...
I never cried with anyone about my marriage ending.
Not a soul.
I didn't sit with someone and talk about it and cry. Nobody hugged me and told me they were sorry. No tears were shared.
I am not saying that I didn't cry. I'm saying that I have done it alone. It's almost 2:00 in the morning and I find myself crying in my pillow again.
Why? Why alone?
Part of it (I think) is because it was a slow process and I didn't really think it would happen. Denial? Maybe. But I truly thought God was going to knit our family back together. So I never really took the time to grieve along the way. I didn't believe we'd be divorced.
The other thing is...my biggest fear in life has been being alone and unwanted. If I cried and really let go then I would be admitting that my fear was coming true. Well, I am alone and he doesn't want me. And I need to cry. I need to mourn. I don't want it to be this way.
But it is. And God knew. And God heals. And God hears my cries. And God stores my tears. And God never leaves me. And God wants me. And God will never tire of my cry for restoration. And God loves. And God plans. And God holds me. And God is faithful. And God redeems. And God never forgets. And God cries with me. AND GOD IS!
Not a soul.
I didn't sit with someone and talk about it and cry. Nobody hugged me and told me they were sorry. No tears were shared.
I am not saying that I didn't cry. I'm saying that I have done it alone. It's almost 2:00 in the morning and I find myself crying in my pillow again.
Why? Why alone?
Part of it (I think) is because it was a slow process and I didn't really think it would happen. Denial? Maybe. But I truly thought God was going to knit our family back together. So I never really took the time to grieve along the way. I didn't believe we'd be divorced.
The other thing is...my biggest fear in life has been being alone and unwanted. If I cried and really let go then I would be admitting that my fear was coming true. Well, I am alone and he doesn't want me. And I need to cry. I need to mourn. I don't want it to be this way.
But it is. And God knew. And God heals. And God hears my cries. And God stores my tears. And God never leaves me. And God wants me. And God will never tire of my cry for restoration. And God loves. And God plans. And God holds me. And God is faithful. And God redeems. And God never forgets. And God cries with me. AND GOD IS!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
My Son
It's your birthday and I know I am supposed to be giving you a gift (and I just might), but first I wanted to tell you what a gift you have been to me!
This mom could not have asked for a better son. David, you are a joy!! I know that the past couple of years have been beyond tough. You, however, have grown into such a wonderful, strong, compassionate, loving young man. I could not be more proud.
I mean that. I am proud of you! You've questioned God. I know that. It's not a bad thing to question. But please keep your heart open to Him. I know that you gave it to Him as a young child and I know that He has great things in store for you. One day you will be able to reach those who are hurting. You have a heart that longs to help and to heal.
These 17 years have been such a privilege for me to be your mom. I don't know why God chose to bless me with you, but I sure am glad he did.
You are loved more than I could ever put into words.
Happy Birthday, David! I pray that God blesses you with the best year yet.
With all of my heart...I love you.
~mom
This mom could not have asked for a better son. David, you are a joy!! I know that the past couple of years have been beyond tough. You, however, have grown into such a wonderful, strong, compassionate, loving young man. I could not be more proud.
I mean that. I am proud of you! You've questioned God. I know that. It's not a bad thing to question. But please keep your heart open to Him. I know that you gave it to Him as a young child and I know that He has great things in store for you. One day you will be able to reach those who are hurting. You have a heart that longs to help and to heal.
These 17 years have been such a privilege for me to be your mom. I don't know why God chose to bless me with you, but I sure am glad he did.
You are loved more than I could ever put into words.
Happy Birthday, David! I pray that God blesses you with the best year yet.
With all of my heart...I love you.
~mom
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I Got What I Needed!
There is something so sweet about getting what you want after you've gone through the process of finding out exactly what you need.
This was a profound statement by a young friend of mine named Sadie. I was reading her blog as she was sharing pictures and a story of how people have waited & waited for what they wanted. (Click here if you want to go visit her). I'm not sure she realizes just how profound this sentence is though.
All of my life I have been chasing after what I thought I wanted. Losing my dad at a young age left a huge hole. I wanted to be needed, valued, taken care of. The thought of being alone brought on much anxiety. Wow did I chase after all the wrong things thinking it would be the answer to what I wanted.
Losing so much over the past 2 1/2 years has been heartbreaking and difficult. My health, my husband leaving, my family falling apart...
Losing so much over the past 2 1/2 years has shown me that what I wanted all my life would never be fulfilled by other people or life circumstances. I could only find that peace in Jesus. What exactly did I need? I needed to find my worth in God alone. He values me. He longs to take care of me. He wants me.
I have gotten what I wanted. It just looks completely different than I ever dreamed it would. Ya know what? It's better. It lasts. It's the real deal. IT is the unfailing love of my Savior. The joy that can only be of Him. Peace unexplainable.
Thank you, Lord, for not letting me be satisfied with what I thought I wanted. Thank you for refining me until I got what I needed!!
Sunday, October 11, 2009
HE is Moving
Hey everyone!! Yes, we are alive and we are WELL!
When I wrote my last post and pushed publish I debated for a bit about whether to leave it. It was raw and written very quickly. When I went back to decide if I was going to take it off, there was already a comment. Then I knew I needed to leave it.
Later that same day (the same day I wrote that post) things were going so great I felt silly for having all of you reading it. I thought to myself "well, that passed and it's not even where we are any more". God got my attention. He ever so politely told me that it was because I had written it and because YOU HAD PRAYED that things were better. Ya see, I am a bit slow - duh God - THANK YOU!
As our little of family of three, there are many days that we are simply unable to pray for ourselves. It is then that I know you are stepping in and standing in the gap praying. There aren't words to express what that means to us & for us.
God asked me the other day what it is that I really want. If I were to pray for the real desire of my heart, what would it be. The answer popped into my head immediately. I want healing for my family so desperately that it takes my breath away. When there are so many days like I wrote about it in my last post it is easy to take my eyes off of Jesus and focus on what I see. What I see seems like an impossible situation.
Just the kind of situation that Jesus loves. Because when the miracle happens, it will be obvious who gets all the glory!!
Thank you for your friendship and your prayers. Thank you for your part in the miracle that we are believing for. Through the power of your prayers, God is moving.
When I wrote my last post and pushed publish I debated for a bit about whether to leave it. It was raw and written very quickly. When I went back to decide if I was going to take it off, there was already a comment. Then I knew I needed to leave it.
Later that same day (the same day I wrote that post) things were going so great I felt silly for having all of you reading it. I thought to myself "well, that passed and it's not even where we are any more". God got my attention. He ever so politely told me that it was because I had written it and because YOU HAD PRAYED that things were better. Ya see, I am a bit slow - duh God - THANK YOU!
As our little of family of three, there are many days that we are simply unable to pray for ourselves. It is then that I know you are stepping in and standing in the gap praying. There aren't words to express what that means to us & for us.
God asked me the other day what it is that I really want. If I were to pray for the real desire of my heart, what would it be. The answer popped into my head immediately. I want healing for my family so desperately that it takes my breath away. When there are so many days like I wrote about it in my last post it is easy to take my eyes off of Jesus and focus on what I see. What I see seems like an impossible situation.
Just the kind of situation that Jesus loves. Because when the miracle happens, it will be obvious who gets all the glory!!
Thank you for your friendship and your prayers. Thank you for your part in the miracle that we are believing for. Through the power of your prayers, God is moving.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Be Near
We are hurting today.
Broken today.
Mourning what we have lost and striving to see past the pain.
It comes in waves. Overwhelms us. Suffocating.
Pain.
Trials.
Produce perseverance. Hope.
We are hoping today.
Hoping for healing.
Hoping for the tears to be wiped away.
Hanging on. Yet pushing away. Holding tight while letting go.
Broken yet hopeful.
Lord God...be near today. We need you.
Broken today.
Mourning what we have lost and striving to see past the pain.
It comes in waves. Overwhelms us. Suffocating.
Pain.
Trials.
Produce perseverance. Hope.
We are hoping today.
Hoping for healing.
Hoping for the tears to be wiped away.
Hanging on. Yet pushing away. Holding tight while letting go.
Broken yet hopeful.
Lord God...be near today. We need you.
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