This past Monday I found out that Don is going through with the divorce after all. It came as quite a shock to me as I thought we had agreed to remain "legally separated". My attorney informed me. To say I was stunned would be an understatement. Actually when I got off the phone with the attorney, I said very loudly "you've got to be kidding me"!! Yes, I believe I was directing that straight to the Lord.
Good thing HE wasn't surprised. Was I angry? Yes. Was I scared? Yes. Was I about ready to let a really long stream of cuss words fly? (I am not answering that) It's odd how I was taken so by surprise. It's not that I thought we would get back together but all of a sudden the road I thought I was on just took a quick turn. What about my health insurance? What about support? Why is he changing his mind?
So, on Thursday we had a court hearing. It was already scheduled so we kept the appointment. I showed up at the court house (with a friend that I made stay with me the entire time) and I could not look at Don. I could not speak to him. I think it was okay to feel that way for that day. But I will not stay in that place of anger and bitterness! It's ugly there. It's dark. It's joyless. It's prison.
Sometime in the next 7 days my marriage of 18 years will be officially over. I will be divorced. We will be divorced. Our family will be changed forever, but it won't be destroyed! David and Ellie and I will perservere. We will cling to each other and to the Lord. One of these days we will have hearts that want to pray for Don. But for now we are going to grieve the loss, be thankful for our blessings, share our experience with others and keep believing!
I love the Lord more today than ever in my life! I've asked Him for years to give me a heart that loves Him and He has. We repeat vows at our wedding ceremonies that sometimes as humans we cannot fully keep. However, God can say that He will be with us for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death! He is the promise maker and keeper. Never do we need to doubt.
This week will be a tough one. It will mark both my anniversary and my divorce. But it will also mark the beginning of a new path with my God. Bittnerness? No thanks! I am moving on wherever God leads. Think it's gonna be a great ride!!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
What Really Matters Anyway?
What really matters is a question that's been swirling around in my head the past 24 hours. Just so you know - I do not have an answer, but I am just gonna come here and get out some of what I've been thinking.
Yesterday I woke up with symptoms and was frustrated. I started my conversation with the Lord asking him "why". Why won't He take this illness away? Why is He leaving me this way? Why isn't He intervening in all the other life circumstances I am facing? Why? Why? Why?
In my head I KNOW that He allows it because through it there will be greater glory. He will be glorified. But my heart cries out - ENOUGH!! I want my life back. I want to do things with my kids. I want to be able to run to the grocery store if we're out of something. I want. I want. I want.
After I was certain that God understood where I was coming from, I proceeded to open my emails. Shocked to find so many comments from my last post. That post had been written 5 days before. Usually I will get a few stragglers, not that many. Hmmm...God was up to something. He was encouraging me. Letting me know that for this time He is still using me. I may not like it, but HE KNOWS WHY HE IS ALLOWING IT!!! Maybe if I had my life back, I would not spend any time here with all of you. Maybe I do not fully understand the calling on my life and I need to remain home bound for now.
It is such a privilege to talk with many of you. Either through the blogs, emails, facebook, messenger...God is up to something in our lives. And here is what I am thinking. It's not about the "right now". Am I willing to pour my life out for the sake of others? There are many who are struggling with what they believe. Do they even believe at all. Is the church worth it. Can God be trusted. Huge things that others are grappling with. I am by no means saying that I am here to be THE ONE who brings healing to them. But I would love to be a part of pointing them to Jesus.
This world will come to pass. This is not all there is. If I live the rest of my life with some heartache, with physical limitations but I have somehow done a small part in helping others - it really will be worth it. My life is getting more and more challenging each day right now. I am being knocked around from every direction. Guess that means satan is scared of me. Pray that I will continue to fight the good fight. That I will live my life with integrity. That my eyes will be fixed on the victory and not on the battles.
What really matters? In the end all that matters is Jesus. Do we know Him? Do you know Him? He is real!! He is worth it!! Trust me - I know!
Yesterday I woke up with symptoms and was frustrated. I started my conversation with the Lord asking him "why". Why won't He take this illness away? Why is He leaving me this way? Why isn't He intervening in all the other life circumstances I am facing? Why? Why? Why?
In my head I KNOW that He allows it because through it there will be greater glory. He will be glorified. But my heart cries out - ENOUGH!! I want my life back. I want to do things with my kids. I want to be able to run to the grocery store if we're out of something. I want. I want. I want.
After I was certain that God understood where I was coming from, I proceeded to open my emails. Shocked to find so many comments from my last post. That post had been written 5 days before. Usually I will get a few stragglers, not that many. Hmmm...God was up to something. He was encouraging me. Letting me know that for this time He is still using me. I may not like it, but HE KNOWS WHY HE IS ALLOWING IT!!! Maybe if I had my life back, I would not spend any time here with all of you. Maybe I do not fully understand the calling on my life and I need to remain home bound for now.
It is such a privilege to talk with many of you. Either through the blogs, emails, facebook, messenger...God is up to something in our lives. And here is what I am thinking. It's not about the "right now". Am I willing to pour my life out for the sake of others? There are many who are struggling with what they believe. Do they even believe at all. Is the church worth it. Can God be trusted. Huge things that others are grappling with. I am by no means saying that I am here to be THE ONE who brings healing to them. But I would love to be a part of pointing them to Jesus.
This world will come to pass. This is not all there is. If I live the rest of my life with some heartache, with physical limitations but I have somehow done a small part in helping others - it really will be worth it. My life is getting more and more challenging each day right now. I am being knocked around from every direction. Guess that means satan is scared of me. Pray that I will continue to fight the good fight. That I will live my life with integrity. That my eyes will be fixed on the victory and not on the battles.
What really matters? In the end all that matters is Jesus. Do we know Him? Do you know Him? He is real!! He is worth it!! Trust me - I know!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Destiny
Hey friends! Just checking in. Feel like I owe you a "hello" at least. Don't really have much to say tonight but thought I shouldn't go an entire week without contact. I've still been getting around and visiting most of you but I know some of you check in here and are wondering how we are doing.
That's a loaded question with no simple answer. Probably how most everyone feels if they are completely honest. My life is difficult but so are lots of yours. My life can be really great and so can yours. That's what is so great about doing this thing together. Hopefully we can be honest, transparent and real with each other.
God and I have been doing a lot of talking lately. I've been trying to keep my mouth shut (and my mind from wandering) and just listen to Him. We've been distant. I've been distant. You know what? I've been angry.
That's it. Angry. With God? Yep, with God.
Brings tears to my eyes to even write that. Here is the verse that I am memorizing for the next two weeks. It is from Isaiah. (I know can you believe it? Not like I love that book or anything) Anyway....it is Isaiah 30:18 and these are the words:
Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a god of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him.
Do you see that? He LONGS to be gracious to me (to you). He rises to show compassion. Think of something you long for. That is how God longs to be gracious to you. It is a deep desire of His. The end of the verse is the hard part for me.
Wait for him. Wait for him. Wait for him.
He has not forgotten. Not about me. Not about you. He rises from His throne to show us compassion. What a picture is that. Oh, how I love Him.
I am finishing my "Esther" study. Thought there would be some lightening bolt moment for me. There was not. But what I did learn. God is in control. His plan will never be thwarted. Providence. He has a plan for my life. A destiny that only I can fulfill. I can spend my time being angry and questioning. Or spend my time waiting. Waiting for Him to rise up and tell me...."This is it Sheryl. The time has come for you to walk into your destiny. I am so proud! I long to be gracious to you."
Find me faithful, Lord!
That's a loaded question with no simple answer. Probably how most everyone feels if they are completely honest. My life is difficult but so are lots of yours. My life can be really great and so can yours. That's what is so great about doing this thing together. Hopefully we can be honest, transparent and real with each other.
God and I have been doing a lot of talking lately. I've been trying to keep my mouth shut (and my mind from wandering) and just listen to Him. We've been distant. I've been distant. You know what? I've been angry.
That's it. Angry. With God? Yep, with God.
Brings tears to my eyes to even write that. Here is the verse that I am memorizing for the next two weeks. It is from Isaiah. (I know can you believe it? Not like I love that book or anything) Anyway....it is Isaiah 30:18 and these are the words:
Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a god of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him.
Do you see that? He LONGS to be gracious to me (to you). He rises to show compassion. Think of something you long for. That is how God longs to be gracious to you. It is a deep desire of His. The end of the verse is the hard part for me.
Wait for him. Wait for him. Wait for him.
He has not forgotten. Not about me. Not about you. He rises from His throne to show us compassion. What a picture is that. Oh, how I love Him.
I am finishing my "Esther" study. Thought there would be some lightening bolt moment for me. There was not. But what I did learn. God is in control. His plan will never be thwarted. Providence. He has a plan for my life. A destiny that only I can fulfill. I can spend my time being angry and questioning. Or spend my time waiting. Waiting for Him to rise up and tell me...."This is it Sheryl. The time has come for you to walk into your destiny. I am so proud! I long to be gracious to you."
Find me faithful, Lord!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
There is no Proper Title
Another one of those...here I am but I don't know what YOU (Lord) want me to say posts. Feel like there's a lot that needs to get out, so you are the lucky ones that get to benefit. (I am so fine if you stop reading now. How would I know anyway?)
Do you ever have days where you are just haunted by wanting to defend yourself? Wanting to tell "your side"? That's been me for the past 3 days. OH I want to speak up. I want to be sure that the whole story is known. I think I've lost sleep over this. (OK, I have lost sleep over this) God keeps telling me that HE is my avenger. HE knows all. HE is watching out for me. HE sees everything. Can't I trust Him? I have picked up the phone. I've thought through my whole conversation. It's been rehearsed. Yet God is not giving me the peace I need in order to "defend myself". For crying out loud, there's not even anything to defend. It's a matter of wanting to be sure that I AM HEARD.
God hears me. He is the best listener. He doesn't tell others. He doesn't judge me. He knows all sides. HE CAN HANDLE THIS!! Yes, I am screaming at myself. I have a slight feeling I will not be pushing the publish button on this one.
Prayers are being answered around here and I am not very happy about that. HA. How's that for honest. I "say" that I want certain things to happen, then they do and I am less than thrilled. Or maybe it's that God is doing it differently than I would have. And, of course, my way would be so much better than God's. When will I ever get this? Truly, God has to be shaking His head at me. (I know I am) Don and David are spending time together (SHOOT!!)
Yet the prayers for healing, for completely healing, are still being answered with "not yet". Physically I want so much more. I really do try to be grateful for all that I do have the ability to do. But there are days where I mourn the loss of freedom that comes with good health. Guess today is just one of those days. And, I know that's ok.
Under attack. I guess that's what this is. When my sleep is being robbed. When my joy is circumstantial. When my emotions are all over the board. I need to remember that I am probably in the snares of satan's schemes. God has brought me too far to lose ground now. David and Ellie and I are being held in the hands of GOD!! He doesn't lose sight of us for one second. Those are not just words. That is truth. (oh, and I guess He's watching out for Don too - but today that doesn't thrill me!!) Hope you know that I will get over that attitude soon but you'll never find anything here but me being real.
Whew...I feel better. Nothing like a good therapy session with Lila (laptop) and all of you to make me feel less burdened. God, help me to take on your yoke. Get in there with you!! You do the leading. You take up for me. Who better than you to see that grace and mercy are handed out. Lord, change my heart for the thousandth time today. Love ya, Lord. (and love you too. if you made it this far - thanks!)
Do you ever have days where you are just haunted by wanting to defend yourself? Wanting to tell "your side"? That's been me for the past 3 days. OH I want to speak up. I want to be sure that the whole story is known. I think I've lost sleep over this. (OK, I have lost sleep over this) God keeps telling me that HE is my avenger. HE knows all. HE is watching out for me. HE sees everything. Can't I trust Him? I have picked up the phone. I've thought through my whole conversation. It's been rehearsed. Yet God is not giving me the peace I need in order to "defend myself". For crying out loud, there's not even anything to defend. It's a matter of wanting to be sure that I AM HEARD.
God hears me. He is the best listener. He doesn't tell others. He doesn't judge me. He knows all sides. HE CAN HANDLE THIS!! Yes, I am screaming at myself. I have a slight feeling I will not be pushing the publish button on this one.
Prayers are being answered around here and I am not very happy about that. HA. How's that for honest. I "say" that I want certain things to happen, then they do and I am less than thrilled. Or maybe it's that God is doing it differently than I would have. And, of course, my way would be so much better than God's. When will I ever get this? Truly, God has to be shaking His head at me. (I know I am) Don and David are spending time together (SHOOT!!)
Yet the prayers for healing, for completely healing, are still being answered with "not yet". Physically I want so much more. I really do try to be grateful for all that I do have the ability to do. But there are days where I mourn the loss of freedom that comes with good health. Guess today is just one of those days. And, I know that's ok.
Under attack. I guess that's what this is. When my sleep is being robbed. When my joy is circumstantial. When my emotions are all over the board. I need to remember that I am probably in the snares of satan's schemes. God has brought me too far to lose ground now. David and Ellie and I are being held in the hands of GOD!! He doesn't lose sight of us for one second. Those are not just words. That is truth. (oh, and I guess He's watching out for Don too - but today that doesn't thrill me!!) Hope you know that I will get over that attitude soon but you'll never find anything here but me being real.
Whew...I feel better. Nothing like a good therapy session with Lila (laptop) and all of you to make me feel less burdened. God, help me to take on your yoke. Get in there with you!! You do the leading. You take up for me. Who better than you to see that grace and mercy are handed out. Lord, change my heart for the thousandth time today. Love ya, Lord. (and love you too. if you made it this far - thanks!)
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Struggling to See
Wow, can we go back to the days where I was answering your questions and talking about growing my chin hair long enough to cover up my long teeth. Sheesh, life is hard! This is not gonna be a fun post. This is mostly just going to be me venting so that I don't implode.
To say that I survived the other day at the courthouse is about as good as it gets. Don and I were left alone to sit at opposite ends of the cold marble bench outside the courtoom for well over an hour. Not fun. But in that time I just kept picturing all of you praying on my behalf and I know that's what got me through. Nothing has been decided and we'll do it again on the 26th. (oh joy!!) Actually, since I know that God is in every detail of this, I am trusting that there is a great reason to all meet again and a reason for the delay.
Life has blown up in our faces around here. David is a mess. I have a whole new respect for my parents right now. How did they watch all three of their children choose paths of destruction. Of course, we all thought we were invinsible! It's hard to watch David. I want to protect him. I want to make it all better. I want to take the pain away. Lord...move in his life like never before. Let this time of extreme pain be used to refine us all.
In thinking about how my parents must have felt it leads me to wonder...how does God watch us make mistake after mistake. He has the plans for us to live a life with a hope and a future and yet we choose differently. We choose. That's the problem right there. Instead of knowing and believing that HE knows best, we often make our own choices without even seeking Him. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we deliberately snub God. But somewhere we say that we don't need him on this one. Or this isn't important enough. Or He's too busy with someone else. What lies. Oh Lord Jesus, grab my attention right now. Teach me. Make me different. I don't know what you are doing - but help me to trust your heart that you make all things good. YOUR good may not be MY good. I'm believing that it will be better...
To say that I survived the other day at the courthouse is about as good as it gets. Don and I were left alone to sit at opposite ends of the cold marble bench outside the courtoom for well over an hour. Not fun. But in that time I just kept picturing all of you praying on my behalf and I know that's what got me through. Nothing has been decided and we'll do it again on the 26th. (oh joy!!) Actually, since I know that God is in every detail of this, I am trusting that there is a great reason to all meet again and a reason for the delay.
Life has blown up in our faces around here. David is a mess. I have a whole new respect for my parents right now. How did they watch all three of their children choose paths of destruction. Of course, we all thought we were invinsible! It's hard to watch David. I want to protect him. I want to make it all better. I want to take the pain away. Lord...move in his life like never before. Let this time of extreme pain be used to refine us all.
In thinking about how my parents must have felt it leads me to wonder...how does God watch us make mistake after mistake. He has the plans for us to live a life with a hope and a future and yet we choose differently. We choose. That's the problem right there. Instead of knowing and believing that HE knows best, we often make our own choices without even seeking Him. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we deliberately snub God. But somewhere we say that we don't need him on this one. Or this isn't important enough. Or He's too busy with someone else. What lies. Oh Lord Jesus, grab my attention right now. Teach me. Make me different. I don't know what you are doing - but help me to trust your heart that you make all things good. YOUR good may not be MY good. I'm believing that it will be better...
Monday, March 2, 2009
Never Would Have Thought
Can't believe I am doing some of things I am doing. In a few minutes, I leave for the courthouse. Today we are having a "settlement conference" with the judge regarding our separation. We will both have our attorneys with us. Never would have thought I'd find myself doing these things. God knew. Boy am I glad that this does not take Him by surprise.
Never thought I'd really have to parent a teenager. (yea, I know, how does one have a child or two and think they can escape the teenage years) I guess what I really mean is that I didn't think my kids would come from a broken home in their teenage years. My David is struggling. Making choices that he shouldn't be making. It's hard to watch. Glad that God is watching over him. So glad that God loves him even more than I do.
Trying to just trust God today. Be still. Believe in hope. Believe God. Lord, I just want to believe you today.
Never thought I'd really have to parent a teenager. (yea, I know, how does one have a child or two and think they can escape the teenage years) I guess what I really mean is that I didn't think my kids would come from a broken home in their teenage years. My David is struggling. Making choices that he shouldn't be making. It's hard to watch. Glad that God is watching over him. So glad that God loves him even more than I do.
Trying to just trust God today. Be still. Believe in hope. Believe God. Lord, I just want to believe you today.
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