Another one of those...here I am but I don't know what YOU (Lord) want me to say posts. Feel like there's a lot that needs to get out, so you are the lucky ones that get to benefit. (I am so fine if you stop reading now. How would I know anyway?)
Do you ever have days where you are just haunted by wanting to defend yourself? Wanting to tell "your side"? That's been me for the past 3 days. OH I want to speak up. I want to be sure that the whole story is known. I think I've lost sleep over this. (OK, I have lost sleep over this) God keeps telling me that HE is my avenger. HE knows all. HE is watching out for me. HE sees everything. Can't I trust Him? I have picked up the phone. I've thought through my whole conversation. It's been rehearsed. Yet God is not giving me the peace I need in order to "defend myself". For crying out loud, there's not even anything to defend. It's a matter of wanting to be sure that I AM HEARD.
God hears me. He is the best listener. He doesn't tell others. He doesn't judge me. He knows all sides. HE CAN HANDLE THIS!! Yes, I am screaming at myself. I have a slight feeling I will not be pushing the publish button on this one.
Prayers are being answered around here and I am not very happy about that. HA. How's that for honest. I "say" that I want certain things to happen, then they do and I am less than thrilled. Or maybe it's that God is doing it differently than I would have. And, of course, my way would be so much better than God's. When will I ever get this? Truly, God has to be shaking His head at me. (I know I am) Don and David are spending time together (SHOOT!!)
Yet the prayers for healing, for completely healing, are still being answered with "not yet". Physically I want so much more. I really do try to be grateful for all that I do have the ability to do. But there are days where I mourn the loss of freedom that comes with good health. Guess today is just one of those days. And, I know that's ok.
Under attack. I guess that's what this is. When my sleep is being robbed. When my joy is circumstantial. When my emotions are all over the board. I need to remember that I am probably in the snares of satan's schemes. God has brought me too far to lose ground now. David and Ellie and I are being held in the hands of GOD!! He doesn't lose sight of us for one second. Those are not just words. That is truth. (oh, and I guess He's watching out for Don too - but today that doesn't thrill me!!) Hope you know that I will get over that attitude soon but you'll never find anything here but me being real.
Whew...I feel better. Nothing like a good therapy session with Lila (laptop) and all of you to make me feel less burdened. God, help me to take on your yoke. Get in there with you!! You do the leading. You take up for me. Who better than you to see that grace and mercy are handed out. Lord, change my heart for the thousandth time today. Love ya, Lord. (and love you too. if you made it this far - thanks!)