Monday, June 30, 2008

Nothing

Nothing. I have nothing to say. Yet, I feel I'm supposed to be here. So we will just see what comes out. God made me with a very sensitive heart. When I see someone else hurting, I cry. I sense people's pain in a very odd way. Like I take it on myself. I cry over almost everything. Commercials, movies, praise music, funny stories, sad stories, you name it, it will bring this girl to tears. My kids think I'm a bit nuts, but they're used to it. They know if they write me a letter, they need to leave the room because I will be a puddle of tears in moments.

My heart is breaking for my kids right now. I am taking on their pain in a very real way. My heart literally aches. My husband's daughter has been staying with us (just me and the kids) for the past week. If you're new here, my husband has filed for divorce so he no longer lives here. Anyway, the fact that she is here is a long story for another day, but God is so full of mercy and grace. I feel her pain though. She is just waiting for her dad to call, to make a connection and nothing. He did the obligatory dinner one night but that was it. She is a daughter wanting to be chosen, wanting to be pursued, needing validation from her daddy. And she is not getting it. I cry. I weep. My kids feel the same way. Why doesn't dad want us? Why would he leave? How can he just go on with his life? Again. I cry. I weep.

I wonder how God feels? He is pursuing us, choosing us and at times we just turn the other way. If he weeps, it's because He knows what we are missing. The perfect father. The perfect relationship. We won't need validation from others if we find our identity in Him alone. How do we get there? It all sounds so good, so Christian, so spiritual, but how do we do it? Sure, read the Bible, pray, spend time with Him...I know all those things yet I sense He has more for me and I'm missing something. My worth doesn't come from my husband. In my head I know that, but my heart still hurts. My kids (all of them) want to be chosen by their dad, but for now they are not and I try to teach them of the unconditional love of the Father.

Jesus, your Word says that you came to bind up the broken-hearted. There are a lot of broken hearts in this home and in many others. Please come and minister to all of us. I am begging for each one of us to KNOW your love. Your Word also says that weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. Bring on the morning Lord. We are ready for your joy!!


32 comments:

Lori said...

I come from a home where my earthly father did not reflect my heavenly one. It took me a long time, forgiveness and maturity to realize his actions were about him, not me. We can't control, change or save anyone else.

Colleen said...

I so much agree with what lori said. It is NOT them.. IT IS him. I will keep you all in my prayers and heart.
much love,
colleen

Suzanne said...

Hi Sheryl,

I so totally understand what you're talking about when you say things like "I take it on myself." I'm sure you know that we're not supposed to do that, but to give it up to Him. I also know how very hard that is to actually do.

A verse that the Lord has given to me for such times is Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." This verse reminds me that even though horrible things happen, all things work together to eventual good. Even though your husband is doing things that are so very hurtful, God can take those things and turn them into good.

I know that is of little comfort right now, but that is the thing the Lord whispers in my ear when I am upset over the evils of this world. I personally think I would have gone completely out of my mind if I didn't have that knowledge and belief. There are just so many awful things going on in this world, but we know how the story ends. We know who wins!

Love you girl,

Suzanne

Anonymous said...

Sheryl

I am sorry that your children are hurting. When my kids are sad, it makes me sad too. As a mom, you want so badly to take their pain away and make it all better.

Just keep reminding them that they are not to blame for how their dad is acting. They have the unconditional love of their heavenly father to carry them.

Thank you so much for your kind emails over the weekend. I appreciate your prayers and concern. I always felt that I was sent to your blog for a reason - at first I thought the reason was for me to support you, now I believe it is also for me to learn from you.

Hang in there Sheryl!

Denise in Texas

Paula (SweetPea) said...

Wonderful, wonderful words, Sheryl.
Amen sister...bring on the morning...the morning with that glorious joy that comes.

I was thinking similar thoughts like this today as I mowed. Why Lord Why? What am I missing? Should I be doing something more for you? Am I where you want or is there an area that needs more growing, pruning, and fine tuning. Show me Lord, I'm a willing vessel for You.

Though very true this is not about those kids lacking anything in themselves but what D is lacking. Just as I know it is not something within me but something C is lacking. However, those truths be known, it's still hard, huh? It's still hard to want the other person to turn course, to realize the frality of people, and the preciousness of this life.
Love ya girlfriend.
Paula

UL Cards Fan said...

Dear Sheryl,
I am so sorry that you are in such a painful place right now. I too seem to be sensitive to others and easily moved to tears. Our sermon title Sunday was LIFE is NOT FAIR. We looked at the story of Joseph in Genesis. After all that Joseph had been put through by his brothers he welcomed them with these words in 50:19 and 20. "Don't be afraid....You intended to harm me, but GOD intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives..." I am not trying to tell you that your husband's actions are for 'good". It just seemed to speak to me. Know this. No matter what happens, God will NEVER leave or forsake you....and neither will your Siestas.

Kim said...

Sheryl~
We TRULY have SO much in common. As I read your first paragraph....I could have written that about myself.

I often take on OTHER people pain as though it were my own, and then I often feel so overwhelmed....and burdened. God is REALLY teaching me at this point in my life to somehow, find a balance.

I'm continuing to pray for your sweet family.....remember...nothing happens that surprises our Father.

Kim~

Jenn @ Casa de Castro said...

Sheryl,
Once again you write so beautifully from your heart. I know the Lord sees your pain and hears your prayers (and ours, too, on your behalf). You are doing a noble work by loving your kids and teaching them of the unconditional love of our heavenly Father. He will honor that. He is the Friend of the friendless, the Father to the fatherless, and all we ever need.

That said, sometimes we just need somebody "with skin on," and I completely understand the kids' desire to be loved and wanted by their dad. God bless their sweet hearts.

Know that many prayers abound for you and your kids AND your husband and that God hears them.

valerie said...

Sheryl,
I hurt with you and your children.
I have a friend in a similar situation right now and it's so tough. Her husband, a man of God who knows better, has left everything....wife of almost 35 years, children, grandchildren, friends. It's just so hard to understand. I have been there watching and listening for months & seeing her tears and it's been about to kill me. I feel like the words "I'm praying for you" seem like just words. They're not though. I am praying and believing God that these men will come to their senses and see what is important in their lives.
I pray the children will feel a peace from Jesus this very minute.
Keep writing. Your Siestas love you!
Love & prayers,
Valerie

Pamela (MrsJoeB) said...

Sheryl-I appreciate your thoughts on the lesson my husband and I are putting together-we are really struggling. and you know hwat-you are right, they don't need to hear what they alkready know-that their parents care (sad to say some kids will have the opposite from their parents, etc. I like your beginning appraoch. Keep the toughts coming!!

You are a blessing!

In His Graces~Pamela

Pamela (MrsJoeB) said...

Sheryl-I read your post after responding to your comment on mine.I don't think we can ever take away the childrens pain in a seperation or divorce but we can help to lessen it. My ex husband and I have worked very well on one thing t/o our divorce...the kids. We do not follow the court dates for visitation-they are allowed to be with him whenever they want. We work very hard around their schedule first and then ours. Though we have not always been perfect, we have been careful not to tear the other parent down, no matter how hard that is sometimes, no matter how one parent is wrong. The marriage ended, not the parenting. My husband and his ex are the opposite. His ex has done everything possible to interfer in his relationship with with girls and it has been very painful and confusing for them. They are teenagers now and see that daddy is what he has always been and not what mom makes hum out to be.
I am praying your husband will commit to his children even though he is not willing to commit to your marriage. I am also praying for reconciliation between you two. I believe it is possible. Those kids need to be loved (not bought) and feel secure in both your lives even if you are seperated.
I am so so sorry you must walk this path. God is big enough-cling to Him in this and I will pray! pray! pray!

In His Graces~Pamela

MarySnyder-Joy Filled Life said...

Sheryl,

My Mom heart just aches with yours. And I loved how the Lord is using you to reach many. your words tonight hit home with me. thank you for allowing the Lord to use you sister.

I popped over from the forums (no other God) and I remember you from the Internet Cafe.... I'm glad I came.

Sheryl said...

Wow! Such powerful words...and you said you had nothing to say. God is really speaking through you. Thanks, my sister.

Sheryl Dean
Marietta, GA
sherylsstuff.blogspot.com (just beginning)

jamie in rose cottage said...

Oh, sweetie, I'm praying for you and your family! And I, too, have always been really empathetic to others, especially where tears are concerned. I can see a total stranger crying and not even know why, but I cry along with them. I like to think that's Christ's heart in us, feeling their pain along with them.

Lori said...

Hi Sheryl! Thanks for dropping me a line via the Siesta Forum. I'm brand new to blogging and you were my first comment!! Thanks so much.
I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers...that God will bring the morning to you. God Bless.

Amrita said...

Dear Sheryl,
You have a ve4ry sensitive, tender heart. And this is from God.Jesus was moved with compassion and tears when He saw the plight of His people.

Feel so sorry about the family situation.I suffered rejection while growing up, so i understand how it feels.

Dineen A. Miller said...

Amen, girl, amen...

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

Sheryl:
I know the pain of divorce...of watching my young sons grieve for the attention of their father. This is a hard season of living for all of you. I am sorry for your pain. If you ever need to vent to a total stranger, feel free to email me at eolsen2@nc.rr.com. I would welcome the privilege of praying for you during this time.

peace~elaine

Laura said...

My heart hurts for you family. When someone we love hurts it is so hard. I have been where your husband's daughter is looking for love and validation from her father. I came from a difficult childhood and I looked for love and acceptance in things that I didn't get from my mother especially. I do know the pain and I still deal with depression and anxiety from things and the point of the issue of the only who can fill that hole in our souls is God alone!!

Cheryl said...

Hey Sheryl,

You may not have had anything to say, but the Lord surely spoke through you. Great post!

Is there something about the name "Sheryl/Cheryl" that we are sensitive.

It's sad when there is divorce. The children always think it is their fault or that Dad/Mom didn't love them.

I think a lot of what was in your post, many people have experienced similarities.

It is so hard when you've been hurt in this way. I've been there in a similar situation. I thought I would never get through to where I wasn't miserable or believing what was the actual truth. But, I stayed on the road I was and didn't look back. I kept trusting God and finally you've made it to the other side.

Sheryl, thanks for visiting my blog and your words on reconciling. It is hard at times to be the bigger person or to let things go. It is something I'm having to work on in a different situation now.

Believe in yourself and stand tall. Don't go to the place where you would feel unwanted, but instead trust the Lord. He will bring you through. Look how many people are praying for you and your kids.

We know in the Bible God says we will have trials. These trials mold us and make us who we are supposed to be. They help us lean on the God and trust Him.

God is the great "Healer." He will get you and your family through this. You will be a better person. I would say that you are already turning around and trying to help others as God has helped you.

Be Blessed~
Cheryl

Julie said...

Sheryl,
I found you through Susan's blog.

This post was absolutely beautiful. I am so sorry for the pain you all are experiencing. You are right, you can know who you are to God, but it still hurts...

I was telling a woman the other day, if we can see that the person who is hurting us is living out of their own wounded state then it can take the lie that it's about us to a different dimension. After all that person couldn't possibly tell us what is true of us. They are living out of their flesh and flesh only lies. It never speaks the truth. The Spirit is the only one who gives truth. Your husband must be a very broken man inside. I'm sorry for him. He's losing valuable people in the midst of his own pain. Wounded people wound people.

I loved what you wrote..but am so sorry for your pain.

Julie

tiggerdaisy said...

To have nothing to say, you have said a whole lot! :)

What a life lesson! That should be a devotion. Well, I guess it is, but I what I meant was that it should be published as such.

Good stuff!
Rebecca

Julie said...

Sheryl,
Thank you for visiting my blog. I was touched by your words. I am touched by your life. It seems like one hurricane after another is hitting your home. All I know to say is "He is in the storm".. I think of the story in the gospels where He was asleep in the boat with the storm raging around there. He was there in their midst...the power of the living God was there...though they didn't know fully who He was.

Your words on my blog is exactly what I was talking about in the "Laying Down My Isaac"...that's exactly it. You don't give up, you let it go, taking your hands on and resting it in His.

I just know that you are going to come out of this transformed, totally and completely transformed. I am convinced that you are really going to get in touch with His heart for you. After all that's what the storms do. They shake all that can be shakened so that only that which is lasting remains. (Hebrews)..

Thanks for visiting. I hope you will come again. I love having visitors stop by.

Hugs,
Julie

Technonana said...

Sweet Sheryl... my heart is so heavy for you and these sweet children... what can anyone say other than, I'm here, I'm listening, I care, and I AM PRAYING. But you my friend are doing so much more... you are reaching out, and your pain is helping others... just to know that someone else has this sorrow.. somehow easies the pain a little... GOD IS IN CONTROL... and He will take care of you and these precious children. My "mother heart" goes out to you.. you know I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!!

Mary said...

Thank you for the beautiful prayer at the end of your post. We can all identify with having a broken heart. We all have different problems but all of us go through times of "weeping for the night." Sometimes for ourselves and sometimes for those we love. In fact, I think to see our child in distress is more painful that our own pain.
But how good to know that "the longest night will soon be over" and joy comes in the morning!

Hope,glorious hope
Hope. . .quietly waits

Thanks for your visit to my blog. As, always, you are a blessing!

mary

Yolanda said...

Praying your Friday is even more than you could imagine, after a Monday.

Love and prayers,
Yolanda

Joni said...

Hi, Sheryl,
You asked how to find our identity in Him alone. For me, it came during my panic days when I literally could not cope with life without His help. One day I was so filled with fear and guilt and shame that I couldn't bear to keep it inside any longer. It had to come out and when I opened my mouth and cried out to God, I poured out my heart. I cried buckets of tears and got everything out into the open, and when I finished, I sat and listened to the quiet. I felt so much better. I felt peaceful. I had finally let go and trusted God with all the good, bad, and ugly that I'd kept locked inside me.It was humbling and painful, but I withheld nothing from Him, and I felt better. And I knew that He'd heard me and that He'd do something. I thanked Him for His understanding and forgiveness and for loving me. After that, when a problem or a negative thought came, I ran to God's Word and grabbed it and prayed with all I had within me. I believe that's what He meant when He said, "Call to me...." I've had more of this kind of cleansing times before God but they've never been as intense because I've learned to confess my sins and bring Him my problems early before my heart gets that burdened. And you know what? After that, I cried less often at commercials, sad stories, etc. I believe it was because I had less of my own pain in my heart.

Joni said...

I kinda got off my point, so I just wanted to add that it was later, after that first intimate time when I poured out my heart with God, that I felt a kinship with Christ. Because I remembered how He agonized in the Garden--to the point of shedding drops of blood--and I believe that He revealed that part of Himself to us to show us what to do when we desperately need God's intervention. I feel that when we do the things that Christ did and walk in the Spirit the way Paul tells us to, we'll find our identity in Christ.

Joni said...

Hi, Sheryl,
thank you for your kind words on my blog. I wish there was a delete button for me when I leave comments. Sometimes I get too intense.

His Girl said...

I once heard a lady speak (Jennifer Rothschild)who is blind, with no earthly cure. She said this that changed my life perspective....

"Even if this lasts the rest of my life, it's temporary"

though I hope the morning of your joy comes soon- but I am excited to know that from an eternal perspective, your trials are just temporary- no matter how long they last.

I love that all the kids you... God is such an incredible Provider, isn't He?

Cheryl said...

Hey Sheryl,

Just checking to see how you are doing? Hope you had a good 4th. I know sometimes these days are hard, but praying you had a great PEACEFUL day.

Blessings!
Cheryl

Earthmommy said...

LOL here I am again. This is just amazing how much it seems you and I are alike. I was laughing at your words about crying so easily at things like movies and commercials, I do the SAME thing. My older girls always say something like, give mom the tissues before we watch the movie, lol.