Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Warning...This is a Downer

I know I've been absent for several days, it's because I really didn't know what to blog. Well, it really was because if I'm honest...my post will reveal how I REALLY feel. And right now I feel alone. I have this love-hate relationship with blogging. Like my journal I can go back and read what I've written and how it changes from day to day. What I don't like is how I appear to be like Sybil. You know in the movie her head spins around and her personality changes just like that. (never saw the movie, I just know this stuff)

Anyway...one day I write in my blog how much I'm trusting the Lord and the next day I'm thinking "yea right"!! Sounds good, sounds really spiritual, but is it true? I think for the moment when I'm writing it is true. And then life hits again.

I've often said about myself that I wish I wasn't so "easily moved". You know, that circumstances or people's actions or words wouldn't move me so much. Wish I was steady in my feelings, convictions, etc. But I'm not. I am sick and tired of being sick!! There I said it. I'm wondering why is God leaving me in this state? How many more days can I be bed-ridden? What is the purpose? And then I cry, like now. I just want to be well. The problem might be that I want to be well more than I want anything else in the world.

That really might be a problem. God may be trying to teach me something but I'm so focused on how bad I feel. So "easily moved" from trust to despair. From joy to sadness. From love to hate.

It's physically exhausting to fight dizziness and imbalance 24/7. It's emotionally draining. BUT it is my life right now and how do I accept that? I'm not sure and I know I'm rambling but it's as if I want God to come down and have a talk with me. I read His word searching for encouragement. And it's there but then something happens and I'm moved away.

Lord I want to trust you completely. I'm begging for healing in my body. Begging for healing in my marriage. Wondering what you are up to. Remind me, show me, impress on me that you are good all the time. Your eyes really don't leave me. I need to know that today.

If you're still reading this, sorry for the "downer" but it's my life right now. I need to get it out or it will eat me up. I know so many of you are faithfully praying for me and you have NO idea what that means to me.

Trying to hang on and not be so easily moved,
Sheryl


16 comments:

SweetPea said...

Oh how I can truly relate to you. I've been living an emotional roller coaster for 11 months...ask my counselor. She tells me I need to decide which side of the fence I'm going to be on and stay there. Hoping back and forth and riding in the middle is just going to drive me crazy. I go through spells where I'm "stable" in my thoughts...not moving so much and then it hits me and I get in a stooper much like the one I shared with you in email yesterday or Monday...can't remember. Don't worry about it being a downer. That is what friends are for...I expressed my down feelings to you yesterday and now you are expressing yours.

God is faithful. We do not know the greater purpose in our sufferings. I can tell you this I believe with all my heart that God is much more concerned with our relationship with Him, being His child rather than being wives to our husbands. His first priority is not our marriage. Nor is is making us physically, emotionally, financially comfort. His goal and purpose is to draw us into His likeness, to draw our focus to Him 100%. Not 90 or 95 or even 99.9%. He wants our 100% attention and focus. He wants us to be concerned with our relationship with Him and nothing else. Everything else comes after that. I cannot profess to know what He is trying to tell or teach you but believe, Sheryl, there IS a reason and purpose. If He allows it in our lives, there is reason. Nothing passing into our lives without first passing through His Hands. It is hard. I cannot attempt to understand your physical constraints and illness that you are enduring. We can only pray it serves it's purpose and goes away and fast! But there are so many possibilities of lessons God could be speaking to you...and to me. Why hasn't He restored my marriage and given me a second chance upon my repentance, changes and now being dedicated foremost to Him? We don't know; we may never know why things happen nor when they will change. Trust, trust, trust.

I can understand your feelings of reading God's word and knowing there's encouragement but it not seem to totally reach our hearts. I write many blogs and look back on them and wonder why don't I feel that way today. Am I hypocritical? Telling others what I know to be true about God but not always feeling it in my heart.

Stay faithful. Try to focus on God and trusting Him. TRY to let go of the ever deep desire to be heal and have a restored marriage. You know the old addage of a woman getting pregnant when she stops trying, the woman who finds her prince when she stops looking and dating. There very well may be significant truth to that. I know there is. God wants us to let go of our desires for things of this world---even if they are good things---He wants us to desire Him MORE then being healed or marriage restored. That's a toughy but that's our loving God. When we let go of the good, He gives us the gooder (the best).

Sorry to be long.
Hang tight...to CHRIST!!!
Love in Christ,
Paula

Beloved MaMa said...

thank you for your honesty!!! and for your encouragement...your words spoke volumes to me today!

Tonya said...

Sheryl,
Don't worry one minute about being a "downer." That's life and we all get down from time to time. Some of us have A LOT to feel down about. I'd like to encourage you to keep your eyes on JESUS and let HIM carry you through the hard times. HE IS my STRENGTH and my JOY and I TRULY KNOW that I couldn't function from day to day without HIM.

I pray that today will be a "new day" for you. One filled with JOY and MUCH laughter! Whatever your emotions, don't feel guilty about sharing them. Doesn't the Bible tell us to help carry each other's burdens? (Well, maybe not the way I put it, but it's the same idea)

PRAYING you have an AMAZING day!
=-)

LOVE,
Tonya

Susan said...

Hey Sheryl,

Thanks for thinking of me in your difficult days.

I appreciate this so much~

Tonya gave you some great advice and she is one who can truly give it!

...Lord, I pray that you would comfort my friend. Let her come to know you in a deeper and more intimate way as she is utterly dependent on you. Give her beauty for ashes, and let your word bring healing and hope.

Love ya♥

My cup runneth over... said...

Sheryl,
So glad you stopped by my blog. I'm also grateful that God led you to a post that encouraged your heart.

This is my first visit to your blog, so I don't know all that has gone on in recent months, but I'm glad you poured out your heart somewhat...glad you shared your frustration and pain...you're among friends here. I've been astounded at the encouragement God has provided to my heart through many I've met through blogging. There are many faithful sisters who will lift and uphold you in prayer through these dark days, and point you back to the Savior. Know that I am among those privileged to pray for you.

Blessings,
Tracy

Your honesty and transparency are something I long for.

e-Mom said...

I'm so sorry to learn of your recent separation, and also your illness. (Perhaps the two are connected?)

May I just say that when I feel all topsy turvy as you do today, I find the best thing I can do is go read my Bible. There's something incredibly calming about imbibing the Truth. Then I remember my faith is not a blind faith, but in the sure Word of God.

e-Mom @ Chrysalis

Anonymous said...

I am sorry that you are having a rough time right now. You are very brave and strong to share it all with us like this.

Keep your mind and heart open to what God is doing for you. The good is coming.

Denise

Jenny said...

Hi! Double-minded, that has been me many a day, while I struggle with different things, the struggle in the mind is the same. It stinks!!

Do I trust God or what I see? It is so much easier to trust what I see than God. I agree with sweetpea that we may not know the greater purpose but we can be assured that there is one! And one day we will know it and I believe SEE with my physical eyes the result of it. It may be here or in heaven but we will see!

I'm praying for you and I hope you not only feel better, but that you become better!

Jen

Lynn said...

Oh My sweet Sheryl,

I just want to tell you that you are NOT alone. You are never alone. You have our Jesus and you have me.

I do know what you mean as you wrote in the post somedays you believe and trust God completely and the next day it is all gone. You are not any different than the rest of us in that regard.

I don't even know what to say to comfort you. It appears that this Ded-End that you have arrived at may last forever but girl......

You serve the God of the Universe. He is only preparing you for substantial Kingdom work. It is probably so fantastic if you know about it today it would scare you. So, you are waiting in this Dead-End and He is working things out.

It is a PROMISE... He is working things out. So know this.... You are standing or "perching" on Holy groung. The Lord is preparing you for a new life.

I am excited for your future. I hear your pain of today and also know that I am holding you in prayer everyday this week and your kids. Love you girl. Lynn

Ang baylis said...

I can so relate to this post! I will keep you in my prayers. I'll need the same prayer tomorrow! I am so glad you are authentic. Don't worry about being a downer. We all have those moments. I am so happy you have this blog to get some much needed encouragement!
Please... listen to Travis Cottrell's song, "Made Me Glad" if you can.

Much love to you this evening,
Angie xoxo

His Girl said...

praying for you this day, sis. don't grow weary in doing good... for in due season you will reap the harvest if you do not give up....

Susan said...

Hey Sheryl,

Thanks so much for stopping by today.

Even in the midst of all you are going through, you still think of others.

I'm praying for YOU, hope you are doing better!!!

Keep holding on...

DidiLyn said...

I'm still praying for you, Sheryl.

Tammy Nischan said...

Sheryl,

I think if we're honest, all women can relate to your feelings expressed in this blog posting! I know I can!

Life is tough!

I just wanted to thank you for visiting my blog and encouraging me in my journey with Nick. I also wanted to say that I love you and I'm here if you ever need to talk! My email address is on my blog.

I am in his hospital room as I type this. He is doing well! His eyes are a little swollen, but his spirits are good. We brought all four Indiana Jones movies to watch and have started a marathon! We are going to go see the new one when he is released from here!

Love you!

Tammy

boltefamily said...

My circumstances are completely different, but I can SOOOO relate to this post. Sometimes it is like we know all of these truths with our head, but for some reason our hearts are a little slower to learn. I am praying for you and loving you from afar dear Sheryl!

Love,
Kristy

Joyfulsister said...

It's not a downer post.. it is realness from a heart and soul of a woman which many of us can relate to. Like sweet pea said it is a emotional roller coaster ride at times, and the Lord knows each and everyone of our hearts and loves the fact that we can be real with him as well.It is in those times that I just picture him holding us even more closely, and carrying us ever so gently as he takes us through another day.

Keep writing from the depths of your soul, for there are many souls who can relate to your soul cries. hugz Lorie