I know I've been absent for several days, it's because I really didn't know what to blog. Well, it really was because if I'm honest...my post will reveal how I REALLY feel. And right now I feel alone. I have this love-hate relationship with blogging. Like my journal I can go back and read what I've written and how it changes from day to day. What I don't like is how I appear to be like Sybil. You know in the movie her head spins around and her personality changes just like that. (never saw the movie, I just know this stuff)
Anyway...one day I write in my blog how much I'm trusting the Lord and the next day I'm thinking "yea right"!! Sounds good, sounds really spiritual, but is it true? I think for the moment when I'm writing it is true. And then life hits again.
I've often said about myself that I wish I wasn't so "easily moved". You know, that circumstances or people's actions or words wouldn't move me so much. Wish I was steady in my feelings, convictions, etc. But I'm not. I am sick and tired of being sick!! There I said it. I'm wondering why is God leaving me in this state? How many more days can I be bed-ridden? What is the purpose? And then I cry, like now. I just want to be well. The problem might be that I want to be well more than I want anything else in the world.
That really might be a problem. God may be trying to teach me something but I'm so focused on how bad I feel. So "easily moved" from trust to despair. From joy to sadness. From love to hate.
It's physically exhausting to fight dizziness and imbalance 24/7. It's emotionally draining. BUT it is my life right now and how do I accept that? I'm not sure and I know I'm rambling but it's as if I want God to come down and have a talk with me. I read His word searching for encouragement. And it's there but then something happens and I'm moved away.
Lord I want to trust you completely. I'm begging for healing in my body. Begging for healing in my marriage. Wondering what you are up to. Remind me, show me, impress on me that you are good all the time. Your eyes really don't leave me. I need to know that today.
If you're still reading this, sorry for the "downer" but it's my life right now. I need to get it out or it will eat me up. I know so many of you are faithfully praying for me and you have NO idea what that means to me.
Trying to hang on and not be so easily moved,