Aha! It's Peace

Is is possible that since I feel peace that satan is getting me to think there is something wrong with my relationship with God? Just occurred to me today. I'm not saying that there is not a struggle to pray...there is. BUT maybe I have misunderstood the peace I feel as a disconnect from the Lord, when really it is a gift from Him. I am grateful that I'm not an emotional wreck about my marriage. Yet I have been looking at that and thinking there is something wrong with me. God has given me peace about it!! Oh satan I am so tired of you and the ways you are trying to distract me from MY GOD and His purpose for my life. I'm tired of falling for it too, so I must be ready for battle and know what God has said to me and keep running to Him.

Peace is a good thing. Why have I seen it as anything other than it is. His Word says He will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast on Him (Isaiah 26:3). Why was I missing the promise. I've been intent on keeping my mind on the Lord and not my circumstances and He gave me peace. Man, I am a slow learner!! Many keep telling me not to settle for less than complete healing, that God wants it for me. As much as I appreciate that and understand that, it may not be what God has for me. So I am learning to be content. I'm not giving up on God, just trying to rest in the place He has me right now. (let me reiterate, I am LEARNING to be content...you will hear plenty of complaints in the future, I am sure)

Not being distraught over my marriage falling apart is nothing short of a miracle and a gift and once again I thought I was slipping. God is giving me peace in that as well. By no means am I saying that He does not want my marriage healed but He does want me to know His peace and I do right now. I am one who can obsess and think too much and let my mind wander to things it shouldn't. That has not been happening for me and I know that is only the Lord. Thank you for that! Oh what freedom to not be bogged down by being an emotional wreck. It's not that I don't care, it's not that I have given up, I'm just experiencing the promise of His peace.

How many times do we miss what God is giving us? This relationship between us and God is really quite simple, yet we make it harder than it was intended to be. We over analyze, question our faith, let satan weasel his way into our minds...Well I am done with that (at least for today, you know I am a woman and I'm sure I'll change my mind again) I will accept what God is giving me right now. He is giving me peace. My relationship with Him is not suffering. It is growing. It is alive. It is becoming what He always intended for it to be.

Lord, thank you for showing me today how I was believing the lies. I am in awe that you would be talking with me, yet you do that with each one of your children. Listen for Him, He is speaking. Listen only to His voice. It is still and it is small, so listen well.

Touch the Hem

The phrase "touch the hem of His garment" has been going through my head on an almost continual basis. It is my first thought upon waking as well. So, Lord, what are you trying to teach me? Obviously it refers to the woman in the gospels with the issue of bleeding who touched the hem of His garment. But what does that have to do with me. She had this awful condition for 12 years and because of it was seen as unclean at all times. Can you imagine the loneliness! But she had determination and faith that day to press her way through that crowd just to touch His hem. What did she possess that I need to learn?

Do I believe in the power that Jesus possesses? Do I believe that He can heal? YES! I want to be close enough to Him to touch Him. When she touched Him...He knew it. So many others around Him had to be touching Him, yet when she did He knew it and said His power had gone out from Him. What was so special about her touch? So filled with desperation. Filled with faith. Filled with love and devotion. I wonder? I want to be made whole. And no I am not just talking about my physical healing and the deterioration of my marriage. I want to be whole and complete and content in Jesus alone.

I need to reach out and touch Him. Draw myself close enough. With determination I need to fight through what is holding me back and make my way to Him. Push away all that is getting in my way. People. Circumstances. Doubt. Sorrow. Fear. He is worth the fight to get to. HE is!! Oh to believe so strongly that if only I would draw close He will make me whole in ways I never even considered.

Lord, I know you're trying to show me something. Help me to fully understand what it means to touch the hem of your garment and then to cling to it. I don't want to touch it and go away, I want to cling. Grow up my faith, forgive my unbelief, give me the strength to fight through this battle. Thank you that you are waiting for me to reach out and touch, you aren't moving away from me to make it harder. You are in the same place knowing the gift you have for me if only I will reach out and touch the hem of your garment. What an amazing Savior your are!! I'm reaching out, Lord.

My Prayer

For those of you who have been with me, you know the struggle I am having with praying. You also know that this blog is somewhat my prayer journal. So I have decided to come here today and just pour it all out to God. Who knows how it will look but it'll be real. You're welcome to peek in on my prayer...

Oh Father I am in a bad place right now. I just looked at my Bible and thought that I should pick it up, but what to do with it. You know how I'm feeling like I am forcing this relationship between you and I. What is happening? Where did this come from? Have I shut you out from somewhere? Please show me because this is not where I want to be.

Did I stop having faith that you are watching out for me, that you are in control? Do I just speak the words that you wouldn't allow it, if you couldn't bring something better - but I don't really believe it? You know I am just spewing questions because I have no answers. I know the truth is that ALL things pass before you and you choose whether to allow them into my life. But just because I know that to be true does not really make it any more of a comfort to me. I still keep asking why are you leaving me like this? Why won't you take at least some of the symptoms away so that I could have a life? I don't get it. I want to be healed! I want to be involved with my kids. I know, I know...I don't have it nearly as bad as some, I know that but it doesn't change how I feel about my situation.

Lord, please know that I'm not questioning if you are all powerful and sovereign. I know you are, but I do wonder what is the purpose of me being like this. Show me yourself today Lord in a new way. Can you give just a glimpse of hope that I may get some of my old life back. I am glad to be rid of some of the busyness, time filled with worldly things and some of the things I used to choose to do to escape. But I want to get back out there and live life. Be a part of what's going on. Drive. I just want to drive. Wow, I sound pathetic to myself, do I sound that way to you too Lord?

If there is sin that needs confessing, reveal it. I don't mean that you're withholding healing because of sin, I am just wondering if that is why I feel such a disconnect from you. I do not want this relationship with you to be one of duty or obligation. It can be real and alive, I know that. Show me the way back. Get my attention when you are speaking to me and I don't realize it. Give me a renewed desire to be in your Word and to spend time with you. These are things I know you want as well, so I can be sure you will answer.

Lord, I pray for my family. For David and Ellie that you will give them hearts to love you. That you would become the most important one to them. You and I know they are hurting. From my illness and from Don leaving, but only you really see their hearts. I ask that you provide what or who they need. That you would bring healing to their souls that they do not even know they need. Make me the mom that they need. I love them Lord with everything in me. Thank you for blessing me with such amazing kids. I don't know why you were so good to me there but I love you for it.

You know I don't want to pray for Don so I ask that you raise up people who will. That you will give him the spirit of wisdom and revelation. That your will be done in our marriage. Wow, that's hard for me to say because I truly don't know if it will end or survive and you know my heart...I'm not even sure I want it any more. You understand my heart and the pain, so I know you don't fault me for feeling like that. But, Lord, if I need to be or do something I am not, please show me that. And then give me the strength to carry out what you ask.

I know you are good, holy, loving, just, merciful, full of grace, all powerful, the healer, life giver, burden bearer, the Truth, light, wisdom, creator, lifter of my head, the alpha and omega, the ONE TRUE GOD. I know you hear me when I cry out to you. That's what I'm doing, Lord. Crying out. Come to me and give me rest. Give me hope. A heart to love you. Desire to do what you ask and desire to be with you. I'm sorry for how that sounds. It seems like it should just come naturally out of a grateful heart, but right now it's just not there. And I'm sorry, Lord.

Thank you for loving me. For putting up with me through times like this. For being the only one who truly loves me and the only one who will never leave me. Thank you for your salvation that you would save a wretch like me and pursue me all these years. I don't know what you see in me but I'm glad you keep after me. I know this is all part of the process. We are too far in to go back now. Fire is still burning, I know you're still refining. But would you mind speeding it up a bit so I can learn the lesson and get back to living? ha. Love ya Lord Jesus, really I do!!

Grieving Giving Getting

Feeling like I need to give an update. Clarify some things. There were a few of you out there really worried about me after reading my last post. With a title like "Grieving the Loss of my Life", I guess I can see why - ha!! It does sound a bit dramatic. But it is where I am in the process right now. Gotta go through the grief to get to the glory on the other side. Grief isn't always a bad thing either. It is cleansing and healing to truly grieve. If you've ever read my list of favorite movies, you obviously realize that I even do things that would intentionally make me cry. Nothing like a really good, loud, sobbing cry to make me feel better. (I think I'll go watch The Notebook right now)

But seriously, I am in a fine place just finding it hard to pray. Like so many of you commented or emailed, it is a place where most of us have found ourselves at one time or another. Thank you for standing in the gap for me while I am at a loss for words! Being honest about my marriage and how I feel about it was actually quite freeing for me. Because I know that GOD would want all marriages to be healed that was what I was praying for. Yet my heart wasn't in it. I was praying for it because I felt it was what I was supposed to do. Maybe that's when our prayers get blocked. They are not coming from our heart but from our head. My heart really says I don't want my marriage but my head says it's not okay to say that. This is between me and my God and He is praying on my behalf anyway. If my marriage is to be restored, God will do it and I will be obedient to His call.

So...after my last "less than cheery" post, I need to tell you of God's love and faithfulness. (As you know this is really my prayer journal -some of you just happen to be peeking in). Finally being honest before the Lord - which was praying - even though I felt like I couldn't pray, He lifted the cloud of darkness for awhile. That night I spent many hours with "my girls". I was a youth group leader for many years. Got them when they were 11 and they are now juniors in college. They came and made dinner, we ate and laughed, shopped online (yes, they made me purchase things from Forever 21) and had the best time I have had in months. God was showing me He will bless me even in the darkness. That's just who God is. We may feel like we're unable to talk with Him or feel distant from Him, but He never moves.

It's okay for me to grieve right now. I want my health back, I want to enjoy my life...but in the meantime I MUST see how the Lord is working. Cannot focus on my circumstances but on what God is doing through them. As I have mentioned here before, I facilitate a Christian forum where we do Bible study together. We share our lives, we "talk" in the chat, we pray, we sit back - amazed at what God is doing! He is doing great things and I am thankful He has allowed me to be a part of that. (and to get some great gifts from the women I have the privilege of facilitating !!) This is not meant to be a plug for that forum but if you find yourself wanting fellowship with other believers or wanting to join us in our next study, go to http://forums.delphiforums.com/siestas/start. I would love to meet you there.

When I wrote the last post I hesitated before pressing the publish button. So glad that I didn't hesitate for long. The truth needed to be exposed to the light so that He could start to bring healing. Satan wants me to keep those things inside, to feel badly because I am not praying, to feel like a fraud...but God knew how I was feeling already He just needed me to be honest with myself and with Him. Thank you Lord that you love me no matter what. Thank you that when I am weak you are strong. Thank you that you still use me even in my darkest hours. You amaze me! Truly you do. Not sure how it could be that you love like me do, but I sure am glad!

Grieving the Loss of my Life

Not sure what's happening with me lately. But I am just going to come here and lay it all out. There is a block somewhere. A disconnect between me and the Lord. I am not praying. That is not like me, but it's where I am. I've been here for awhile actually. Been trying to figure why, asking God if there is unconfessed sin, asking why every time I begin to pray it just seems futile? And you know what, He is not really answering me. Maybe I am not earnestly asking.

Told someone the other day that I'm not praying for Don, not praying for restoration, not praying for his salvation.I don't really care. Truly, I don't. And it's not out of bitterness, there is just nothing! Nothing! I feel nothing. Please understand that I know we are not to be directed by our feelings, what I am saying is that I don't feel any compulsion to pray for him and I don't really even want him back. There. I said it!

So it dawns on me yesterday that maybe I am numb. In part of the grieving process. Grieving the loss of my life. The life I once knew. The life I loved before my illness. Full. Fun. Free. That is not my life any more and I miss it. Please know that all the words I've written on here over the past several months have been true. Because I know there have been times I've said that I wouldn't trade this year of illness for anything. I still believe that but for right now I think I need to grieve and mourn. That was a step I just kind of skipped over. Like I just resolved that this is my life now, get on with it, quit the pity party....

It is okay to weep. Jesus did. It's okay to be angry as long as I don't sin in my anger. Jesus did. It's okay to ask God to take this from me. Jesus did. It's okay to ask God why He has forsaken me. Jesus did. I can ask and then to immediately remember His great love for me. IF He gave me nothing else but forgiveness and salvation I should be content.

Should be!

So I am numb. Can't pray right now. Feel distant from God in a way I haven't felt in a long time. Hopefully this will cause me to cry out to Him! Beg Him to draw me closer. Ask Him to pray for me when I cannot find the words, even when I don't feel like finding the words. I don't want to be apathetic, I want to care about my marriage....but right now I simply do not. There is peace that it is ending. I don't know if that peace is a gift from God or a tool of satan. See what a mess I am right now. Maybe I just need to shut off my brain and stop thinking.

What is the point of this post? To any of you that read it, it probably is pointless. To me, it is healing to write out my thoughts. Get them out so they don't have power or control over me. Pray for me as I grieve the loss of my life. I think that's a normal part of this process. By no means am I saying God cannot heal, but for now He is choosing not to and I am grieving.

He is the God of miracles. The God of unconditional love. The God of mercy and grace. The God of restoration. The God of truth. The God who is the same yesterday, today and forever.

I know that when I am through this process, He will not be any different...but I will be!

Grace

Update below:

Remember awhile back when I was telling you about my son, David. I even wrote a post about him and said "this is my son, in whom I am well pleased". Well, this morning, he is still my son but I am not well pleased! He went to camp this week as a counselor. His favorite place to be on earth. Not long ago I received a call from him that he is being sent home. Oh great!! For those of you who don't know what they are, this will sound a lot worse than it is, but he made an Axe bomb. (it's a guy's body spray and they duct tape the button down so that it continuously sprays and throw it into a girls cabin). Harmless, yes. Something they do every year, yes. Behavior fitting a counselor, no!

To say that I am disappointed is an understatement. I sit here waiting for him to get home wondering what my first words will be. Praying for widsom and divine parenting skills. Then the word "grace" keeps running through my mind. One of the definitions of grace is God's forgiving mercy. It is getting something you don't deserve. Is it punishment enough that he is having to leave his favorite place? That he has to say good bye to his campers before the camp is over? That many of his friends are there and they all will know? That he has to come home to me and face me? I don't know.

But I do know the grace and mercy that God bestows on me day after day. Minute after minute actually! It's a good thing every time I make an impulsive, stupid decision God doesn't let His wrath out on me. He does not turn His back on me. I need to come to Him and ask forgiveness and be repentant for my actions but He doesn't throw it up in my face. It is dealt with and over.

I am still well pleased with my son just not this decision. God is well pleased with us because He loves us and He knows we're human. We will make mistakes and some of them on purpose. This was no mistake on my son's part it was a choice he made and a bad one. Boy have I been there. I choose anger over self control, bitterness over forgiveness, selfishness over selflessness, envy over contentment, okay I think you get the point. I don't want to give all my secrets away! Yet, when God looks at me He still sees His son. He doesn't see the yuck. He extends grace and mercy.

Today I get to choose. May the words of my mouth and the mediation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord. (Psalm 19:14) Lord I pray for wisdom to parent well, for grace and mercy if they are to be extended. Get me out of the way. I know you are well pleased with David. I know I am well pleased with David. May he know that today. Don't let us waste this teachable moment. May I learn something from it as well.

Here's the update I know you all are dying for. Did I extend grace or wrath, a big hug or a kick in the pants, smile or frown, forgiveness or bitterness? You're on the edge of your seats, aren't you. Well first I want to thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and your prayers. I know this situation was not life threatening but it had the potential to be life-altering. I know that a parent's words and actions can speak life or death into their child. Okay, already....I extended grace!!!! I love my son, he knows it, he knows he made a very poor choice, he also knows that his mom does too. Being sent home from his favorite place on earth, indeed was punishment enough. Thanks for caring about David. (and aren't you so proud of me, ha!!)

She is 13

My daughter is 13 today. And I am blessed! She was to have 25 kids here for 4 hours of fun yesterday. Being the only parent here and one who isn't well, I was just a bit concerned about getting everything done. I asked many to people to pray for me, most of them I have never officially met. Well, God showered me me so much more than I even thought to ask for. It was about as close to symptom free as I have been in the 13 months I've been sick. Thank you Jesus!

What a great time we all had. The kids were great. Ellie had a fabulous time. I enjoyed myself! And my little girl is now 13. Sure do love her. She is a joy and so much fun to be around. Boundless energy she has! She had just spent a week away at camp and came back really on fire for the Lord. She has made commitments to the Lord that are just between the two of them. I love that.

She sent a text to her dad to thank him for the birthday card and they have made tentative plans to get together this week. Again, thank you Jesus! David is now gone to the same camp to be a counselor for the week. This camp is their favorite place in the whole world to be. How did I get to be so blessed. These kids amaze me and I am so grateful! God has done a huge work in both of their lives this summer.

Still counting all the good that is coming out of the bad. There is so much. Please take the time to look around and see what God is up to. Often we get caught up in what is right in front of our faces and miss all the blessings. I have new friends, doing Bible study again, my kids are a blast, my in laws are more involved with my kids than they have ever been, opportunities to pray for others than I didn't have before, being used even in my weakness.....blessings!!

You have them too, don't miss them! Father continue to open my eyes to see you better. Forgive my unbelief and create in me a deeper faith. May your Word not be something I take for granted but plant deep within my heart. Don't waste the suffering or the tears, use them to bring life and bring it to the full!! Lovin' you Lord! You amaze me. Thanks for the blessing of being Ellie's mom. May she know you better and love you more in the next year.