For those of you who have been with me, you know the struggle I am having with praying. You also know that this blog is somewhat my prayer journal. So I have decided to come here today and just pour it all out to God. Who knows how it will look but it'll be real. You're welcome to peek in on my prayer...
Oh Father I am in a bad place right now. I just looked at my Bible and thought that I should pick it up, but what to do with it. You know how I'm feeling like I am forcing this relationship between you and I. What is happening? Where did this come from? Have I shut you out from somewhere? Please show me because this is not where I want to be.
Did I stop having faith that you are watching out for me, that you are in control? Do I just speak the words that you wouldn't allow it, if you couldn't bring something better - but I don't really believe it? You know I am just spewing questions because I have no answers. I know the truth is that ALL things pass before you and you choose whether to allow them into my life. But just because I know that to be true does not really make it any more of a comfort to me. I still keep asking why are you leaving me like this? Why won't you take at least some of the symptoms away so that I could have a life? I don't get it. I want to be healed! I want to be involved with my kids. I know, I know...I don't have it nearly as bad as some, I know that but it doesn't change how I feel about my situation.
Lord, please know that I'm not questioning if you are all powerful and sovereign. I know you are, but I do wonder what is the purpose of me being like this. Show me yourself today Lord in a new way. Can you give just a glimpse of hope that I may get some of my old life back. I am glad to be rid of some of the busyness, time filled with worldly things and some of the things I used to choose to do to escape. But I want to get back out there and live life. Be a part of what's going on. Drive. I just want to drive. Wow, I sound pathetic to myself, do I sound that way to you too Lord?
If there is sin that needs confessing, reveal it. I don't mean that you're withholding healing because of sin, I am just wondering if that is why I feel such a disconnect from you. I do not want this relationship with you to be one of duty or obligation. It can be real and alive, I know that. Show me the way back. Get my attention when you are speaking to me and I don't realize it. Give me a renewed desire to be in your Word and to spend time with you. These are things I know you want as well, so I can be sure you will answer.
Lord, I pray for my family. For David and Ellie that you will give them hearts to love you. That you would become the most important one to them. You and I know they are hurting. From my illness and from Don leaving, but only you really see their hearts. I ask that you provide what or who they need. That you would bring healing to their souls that they do not even know they need. Make me the mom that they need. I love them Lord with everything in me. Thank you for blessing me with such amazing kids. I don't know why you were so good to me there but I love you for it.
You know I don't want to pray for Don so I ask that you raise up people who will. That you will give him the spirit of wisdom and revelation. That your will be done in our marriage. Wow, that's hard for me to say because I truly don't know if it will end or survive and you know my heart...I'm not even sure I want it any more. You understand my heart and the pain, so I know you don't fault me for feeling like that. But, Lord, if I need to be or do something I am not, please show me that. And then give me the strength to carry out what you ask.
I know you are good, holy, loving, just, merciful, full of grace, all powerful, the healer, life giver, burden bearer, the Truth, light, wisdom, creator, lifter of my head, the alpha and omega, the ONE TRUE GOD. I know you hear me when I cry out to you. That's what I'm doing, Lord. Crying out. Come to me and give me rest. Give me hope. A heart to love you. Desire to do what you ask and desire to be with you. I'm sorry for how that sounds. It seems like it should just come naturally out of a grateful heart, but right now it's just not there. And I'm sorry, Lord.
Thank you for loving me. For putting up with me through times like this. For being the only one who truly loves me and the only one who will never leave me. Thank you for your salvation that you would save a wretch like me and pursue me all these years. I don't know what you see in me but I'm glad you keep after me. I know this is all part of the process. We are too far in to go back now. Fire is still burning, I know you're still refining. But would you mind speeding it up a bit so I can learn the lesson and get back to living? ha. Love ya Lord Jesus, really I do!!