Friday, August 22, 2008

My Prayer

For those of you who have been with me, you know the struggle I am having with praying. You also know that this blog is somewhat my prayer journal. So I have decided to come here today and just pour it all out to God. Who knows how it will look but it'll be real. You're welcome to peek in on my prayer...

Oh Father I am in a bad place right now. I just looked at my Bible and thought that I should pick it up, but what to do with it. You know how I'm feeling like I am forcing this relationship between you and I. What is happening? Where did this come from? Have I shut you out from somewhere? Please show me because this is not where I want to be.

Did I stop having faith that you are watching out for me, that you are in control? Do I just speak the words that you wouldn't allow it, if you couldn't bring something better - but I don't really believe it? You know I am just spewing questions because I have no answers. I know the truth is that ALL things pass before you and you choose whether to allow them into my life. But just because I know that to be true does not really make it any more of a comfort to me. I still keep asking why are you leaving me like this? Why won't you take at least some of the symptoms away so that I could have a life? I don't get it. I want to be healed! I want to be involved with my kids. I know, I know...I don't have it nearly as bad as some, I know that but it doesn't change how I feel about my situation.

Lord, please know that I'm not questioning if you are all powerful and sovereign. I know you are, but I do wonder what is the purpose of me being like this. Show me yourself today Lord in a new way. Can you give just a glimpse of hope that I may get some of my old life back. I am glad to be rid of some of the busyness, time filled with worldly things and some of the things I used to choose to do to escape. But I want to get back out there and live life. Be a part of what's going on. Drive. I just want to drive. Wow, I sound pathetic to myself, do I sound that way to you too Lord?

If there is sin that needs confessing, reveal it. I don't mean that you're withholding healing because of sin, I am just wondering if that is why I feel such a disconnect from you. I do not want this relationship with you to be one of duty or obligation. It can be real and alive, I know that. Show me the way back. Get my attention when you are speaking to me and I don't realize it. Give me a renewed desire to be in your Word and to spend time with you. These are things I know you want as well, so I can be sure you will answer.

Lord, I pray for my family. For David and Ellie that you will give them hearts to love you. That you would become the most important one to them. You and I know they are hurting. From my illness and from Don leaving, but only you really see their hearts. I ask that you provide what or who they need. That you would bring healing to their souls that they do not even know they need. Make me the mom that they need. I love them Lord with everything in me. Thank you for blessing me with such amazing kids. I don't know why you were so good to me there but I love you for it.

You know I don't want to pray for Don so I ask that you raise up people who will. That you will give him the spirit of wisdom and revelation. That your will be done in our marriage. Wow, that's hard for me to say because I truly don't know if it will end or survive and you know my heart...I'm not even sure I want it any more. You understand my heart and the pain, so I know you don't fault me for feeling like that. But, Lord, if I need to be or do something I am not, please show me that. And then give me the strength to carry out what you ask.

I know you are good, holy, loving, just, merciful, full of grace, all powerful, the healer, life giver, burden bearer, the Truth, light, wisdom, creator, lifter of my head, the alpha and omega, the ONE TRUE GOD. I know you hear me when I cry out to you. That's what I'm doing, Lord. Crying out. Come to me and give me rest. Give me hope. A heart to love you. Desire to do what you ask and desire to be with you. I'm sorry for how that sounds. It seems like it should just come naturally out of a grateful heart, but right now it's just not there. And I'm sorry, Lord.

Thank you for loving me. For putting up with me through times like this. For being the only one who truly loves me and the only one who will never leave me. Thank you for your salvation that you would save a wretch like me and pursue me all these years. I don't know what you see in me but I'm glad you keep after me. I know this is all part of the process. We are too far in to go back now. Fire is still burning, I know you're still refining. But would you mind speeding it up a bit so I can learn the lesson and get back to living? ha. Love ya Lord Jesus, really I do!!


22 comments:

Anonymous said...

Psalm 46
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.

5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.

6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

8 Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.

9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields [b] with fire.

10 "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."

11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

He is still there for you and hears the cry of your heart! We are praying for you!! Be still and rest in Him.

Laura said...

Sheryl,
My sweet friend...
Your honest approach in your journey is so inspiring. I have too been in your place and even though I have not been in your place. Only you know the struggle and knows that place between you and the LORD.
I love you dearly.
Any time you need to talk " live" please call. You can email me and I will give you my phone number and we can talk any time.

Nicole said...

Hi Sheryl,

I too understand the desire to get out there and live. Driving was taken away from me for awhile and I am now gradually getting back into that.

I am praying for you my dear friend. Don't try to rush this process. God knows how long it will take for you to learn the lessons that he wants to teach you. You don't want to relearn them do you? I don't want that to sound harsh at all but I do know that if we try to rush out of each season that God has placed us in we will just have to go and relearn again. Uggg...that would not be fun!

Once again I encourage you to check out John Paul Jackson's blog at http://blog.streamsministries.com/2008/08/16/the-dark-night-and-the-outer-court/

Loving you from afar,
Nicole

Jenn said...

I think you just put into words how each and every one of us has felt at some point in our walk with the Lord. I, too, have felt such distance from the Lord. I have felt like praying and reading the Bible was something I was doing out of duty. I have had to force myself to do these things. Thanks for being so honest and open it helps all of us.

ckuretich said...

oh my goodness... this sounds almost identical (save the details) to what I prayed the last few weeks. I have felt SO much of what you're feeling with David's health and with our lives - and finally this week, we are seeing relief. We are seeing healing; David is starting to get back to his life. I can't believe it. I knew it was possible, but I didn't expect it. Instead I braced for the horrible things to happen. It was refreshing to get all this out there, like you did; it really helped renew my faith. It also made me realize how long I had been silent, not praying - instead, just waiting. bracing myself. That's not a way to live.

I think this is beautiful and honest and raw and thank you for posting it. It is so refreshing to hear this kind of perspective; to watch faith being renewed in real time. You are in my prayers!

Jenn @ Casa de Castro said...

Beloved of God,

You are so precious to Him. He loves you dearly... even when it doesn't feel like it.

I know you read "Bring the Rain," Angie Smith's blog. If you haven't checked it out today, please do. Click on the YouTube link of Nicol Sponberg (Angie's sis-in-law) and listen to her sing "Resurrection." http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/08/resurrection.html

Listen again. And again. Ponder the lyrics. Know you aren't alone in how you're feeling. Let the Lord do His work. And know you're loved.

Amy said...

praying for you today...... God loves you so much Sheryl. Even in times such as these.

A Lamp Unto My Feet said...

I can certainly hear and feel the cry of your heart - Sheryl. Our God ,the Great Physician, has the remedy – the balm of Gilead. Oh and He will apply it in due time. I know – due time isn’t fast enough. A precious time to put our faith in Him (I know easier said than done) and my I guess it must be what they called the ‘wilderness season’ and it isn’t fun because I know so. I am trusting God to bring out wonders as you behold Him in this season of your life. And I pray you will look back and see His fingers working our all things for your good. I am camping in a similar place (different circumstances) awaiting His glory.

God bless you beloved one.

Love you Sheryl.

Myriam

june said...

I like the idea using your blog as
a place to record your prayers. I
may have to copy.

I posted a blog about Please Be
Patient.

Let me know your take. I am
new to blogging and am looking for
others to share with..I don't want
to be a lone duck looking for a roost.

Let me hear from you.

June (littledune)

Pamela (MrsJoeB) said...

Friend, my schedule has kept me away...but I know your pain. Sometimes it is in those dry spells that we expereince Him most. Persevere!! Keep picking up that Bible. Isaiah is my favorite book...there is so much encouragment there. Remember Rev 12:11 (Amplified)...my comments in []:
"And they [Sheryl] have overcome (conquered) him [satan] by means of the blood of the Lamb [grace] and by the utterance of their testimony [He has a plan for your suffering], for they did not love and cling to life even when faced with death [suffering].

I hope you are blessed.

In His Graces~Pamela

Paula (SweetPea) said...

"I know the truth is that ALL things pass before you and you choose whether to allow them into my life. But just because I know that to be true does not really make it any more of a comfort to me."

Sheryl, this has been such a truth in my own life. It is actually very hard for me to accept that all things pass through God and therefore that means He's allowing them. I just struggle so much with that. I think many would also because we can't understand why He'd allow certain things. That is where such trust comes into the picture...trusting Rom 8:29 that He will make good in all things.

I love your prayer. So many of the things you've said I've felt even recently. It's like a chore to be in His Word; yet, when I make the time, I want to stay in it forever but ran out of time. It seems like "torture" to me. Desiring it so much when in it yet stepped back it's a struggle to dive in...prayer can be the same way....

Much love and prayers for you.
Paula

Amrita said...

A warm embrace to you Sheryl

Earthmommy said...

God is there with you and listening, my friend. I am dealing with similar bumps in the road in my relationship with the Lord, and I think that this is something we all must go through from time to time. You are doing better than most when it comes to continuing to pray, sticking it out and sharing your experiences so honstly. This is testimony too.

Someone once told me, that when the Lord is making dramatic changes in your life, the less you can resist the better, the easier the changes He is trying to make. I know it's hard, but I just feel the rewards for you will be so worth the uphill emotional journey.

We are parying for you!

Nicole said...

Hi Sheryl. It's me again. I think that the Lord really wants you to listen to the song "Resurrection" by Nicol Sponberg. I have this song playing on my blog page and thought to tell you to listen to it today. Then as I came here I saw that Jenn posted a message for you to listen to it. I know that this song has helped me TREMENDOUSLY during my illness. God is good. I hope you get a chance to go to the website Jen provided to watch the video or come to my blog and listen to it.

Blessings,
Nicole

june said...

I found you going through other blog post. The name of your blog
caught my attention, and I thought
to myself I would like to get to
know her.

I got my name littledune from my
paternal grandmother. My daddy was
dune dune (why I do not know) when
I came along she just names me little dune...I think it is special.

I have posted again on Grace.

Let me hear from you

Sheryl said...

Sheryl,

Thank you so much for this post. It seems as if many are going through rough times. Times where we feel lost, far away from our Lord. But, what is so wonderful is that HE is near.

Keep seeking His face, you will find it. He wants to show Himself to you.

I love Psalm 46 that someone commented on your blog.

Just remember, your health situation and your family situation did not take God by surprise.

He will show you how to "walk in it" with Him. Keep praying, keep Scripture in your mind and heart.

He is a merciful and gracious God.

Sheryl Dean

P.S. thanks for all your help with my blog. I'm still learning and have just posted another blog post.

Are you on facebook?

Anonymous said...

Hi Sheryl

Your prayer is beautiful. God is with you always. I cannot wait to hear how he reveals himself to you. It is going to be very special indeed.

Denise

nancygrayce said...

Sheryl, I left you an award over at my site!

Joyfulsister said...

Hi Sheryl,
As I was reading your prayer, I began to pray along with you and came into agreement with you and all that your heart desired to know from the Lord. Proverbs 3:6 came to mind..In all your ways acknowledge him and he shall direct your path.". And that is what you are doing you are seeking him, a soul cry for understanding. Our part is to stop and acknowledge God along the way, his part is to direct our paths. God what would you want me to do first? When you do your part of seeking, God will do his part of directing,and leading. and I know that in quietness and in the listening part of seeking him you will hear his words behind you saying.. "This is the way, walk in it." Isaiah 30:21

Luv ya Lorie

june said...

Sheryl,

I am trying to post to a reply that
you gave on my posting.

You mentioned that Joy was what you
were having trouble with. I have
prayed for you, and again I have
prayed for you. I do not know your
story. I do know that you have been placed on my heart. I have asked for a word of wisdom, and this is what keeps coming to me

"The joy of the Lord is your strength" I am sure you know this
scripture, and this is no new revelation to you. I have meditated on it now for several days.

If the joy of the Lord is our strength then the absence of joy
would be weekness.

So I pray for strength to surround
you as a shield. As you lean on the
lord (and friends) you will feel the mighty power of the Holy Spirit's strength to get you through this day one day at a time until your strength (Joy) will mount up as eagle wings and you will soure through each day.

Thank you for letting me share and
pray for you, check out my new
mistake and get a good chuckle.

June

Pamela (MrsJoeB) said...

Sheryl-you are in my thoughts and still in my prayers....
In His Graces~Pamela

Mary said...

Thank you for allowing us to "peek in on your prayer." A prayer from your heart.

Things go through my mind, but when I think of praying for you I know I am praying God's will when I pray that God will bring maximum glory from your life. In Isaiah 43:7 are the words:
"everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory
whom I formed and made."

I can't understand the ways of God for I am finite and He is infinite and flawless in character. But I do know that He wants our lives to glorify Him and the things that happen to us conform us more and more into His image.

It's alright to ask questions. I think Job asked about 70 but God didn't answer any of them and yet
in Job 42: 5, Job said, "My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you."

There is a song that I sung years ago in a trio that we three called "our song". Each time we would sing this song, there was such a sweet anointing of the Holy Spirit.

To Glorify Thee
"Oh,let my life be to thy praise O Father,
In all I do that thou be glorifed
Thou knewest me before the world's foundation
In life or death,that thou be glorified.

To glorify thee
This is my plea
Work out thou purpose
Thy will for me
A yielded vessel,
Oh, Lord to thee."

There are two more lines but they have slipped my mind... maybe it will come to me later.

Sheryl, your life is a blessing.

I love you,
Mary