Feeling like I need to give an update. Clarify some things. There were a few of you out there really worried about me after reading my last post. With a title like "Grieving the Loss of my Life", I guess I can see why - ha!! It does sound a bit dramatic. But it is where I am in the process right now. Gotta go through the grief to get to the glory on the other side. Grief isn't always a bad thing either. It is cleansing and healing to truly grieve. If you've ever read my list of favorite movies, you obviously realize that I even do things that would intentionally make me cry. Nothing like a really good, loud, sobbing cry to make me feel better. (I think I'll go watch The Notebook right now)
But seriously, I am in a fine place just finding it hard to pray. Like so many of you commented or emailed, it is a place where most of us have found ourselves at one time or another. Thank you for standing in the gap for me while I am at a loss for words! Being honest about my marriage and how I feel about it was actually quite freeing for me. Because I know that GOD would want all marriages to be healed that was what I was praying for. Yet my heart wasn't in it. I was praying for it because I felt it was what I was supposed to do. Maybe that's when our prayers get blocked. They are not coming from our heart but from our head. My heart really says I don't want my marriage but my head says it's not okay to say that. This is between me and my God and He is praying on my behalf anyway. If my marriage is to be restored, God will do it and I will be obedient to His call.
So...after my last "less than cheery" post, I need to tell you of God's love and faithfulness. (As you know this is really my prayer journal -some of you just happen to be peeking in). Finally being honest before the Lord - which was praying - even though I felt like I couldn't pray, He lifted the cloud of darkness for awhile. That night I spent many hours with "my girls". I was a youth group leader for many years. Got them when they were 11 and they are now juniors in college. They came and made dinner, we ate and laughed, shopped online (yes, they made me purchase things from Forever 21) and had the best time I have had in months. God was showing me He will bless me even in the darkness. That's just who God is. We may feel like we're unable to talk with Him or feel distant from Him, but He never moves.
It's okay for me to grieve right now. I want my health back, I want to enjoy my life...but in the meantime I MUST see how the Lord is working. Cannot focus on my circumstances but on what God is doing through them. As I have mentioned here before, I facilitate a Christian forum where we do Bible study together. We share our lives, we "talk" in the chat, we pray, we sit back - amazed at what God is doing! He is doing great things and I am thankful He has allowed me to be a part of that. (and to get some great gifts from the women I have the privilege of facilitating !!) This is not meant to be a plug for that forum but if you find yourself wanting fellowship with other believers or wanting to join us in our next study, go to http://forums.delphiforums.com/siestas/start. I would love to meet you there.
When I wrote the last post I hesitated before pressing the publish button. So glad that I didn't hesitate for long. The truth needed to be exposed to the light so that He could start to bring healing. Satan wants me to keep those things inside, to feel badly because I am not praying, to feel like a fraud...but God knew how I was feeling already He just needed me to be honest with myself and with Him. Thank you Lord that you love me no matter what. Thank you that when I am weak you are strong. Thank you that you still use me even in my darkest hours. You amaze me! Truly you do. Not sure how it could be that you love like me do, but I sure am glad!