Feeling like I need to give an update. Clarify some things. There were a few of you out there really worried about me after reading my last post. With a title like "Grieving the Loss of my Life", I guess I can see why - ha!! It does sound a bit dramatic. But it is where I am in the process right now. Gotta go through the grief to get to the glory on the other side. Grief isn't always a bad thing either. It is cleansing and healing to truly grieve. If you've ever read my list of favorite movies, you obviously realize that I even do things that would intentionally make me cry. Nothing like a really good, loud, sobbing cry to make me feel better. (I think I'll go watch The Notebook right now)
But seriously, I am in a fine place just finding it hard to pray. Like so many of you commented or emailed, it is a place where most of us have found ourselves at one time or another. Thank you for standing in the gap for me while I am at a loss for words! Being honest about my marriage and how I feel about it was actually quite freeing for me. Because I know that GOD would want all marriages to be healed that was what I was praying for. Yet my heart wasn't in it. I was praying for it because I felt it was what I was supposed to do. Maybe that's when our prayers get blocked. They are not coming from our heart but from our head. My heart really says I don't want my marriage but my head says it's not okay to say that. This is between me and my God and He is praying on my behalf anyway. If my marriage is to be restored, God will do it and I will be obedient to His call.
So...after my last "less than cheery" post, I need to tell you of God's love and faithfulness. (As you know this is really my prayer journal -some of you just happen to be peeking in). Finally being honest before the Lord - which was praying - even though I felt like I couldn't pray, He lifted the cloud of darkness for awhile. That night I spent many hours with "my girls". I was a youth group leader for many years. Got them when they were 11 and they are now juniors in college. They came and made dinner, we ate and laughed, shopped online (yes, they made me purchase things from Forever 21) and had the best time I have had in months. God was showing me He will bless me even in the darkness. That's just who God is. We may feel like we're unable to talk with Him or feel distant from Him, but He never moves.
It's okay for me to grieve right now. I want my health back, I want to enjoy my life...but in the meantime I MUST see how the Lord is working. Cannot focus on my circumstances but on what God is doing through them. As I have mentioned here before, I facilitate a Christian forum where we do Bible study together. We share our lives, we "talk" in the chat, we pray, we sit back - amazed at what God is doing! He is doing great things and I am thankful He has allowed me to be a part of that. (and to get some great gifts from the women I have the privilege of facilitating !!) This is not meant to be a plug for that forum but if you find yourself wanting fellowship with other believers or wanting to join us in our next study, go to http://forums.delphiforums.com/siestas/start. I would love to meet you there.
When I wrote the last post I hesitated before pressing the publish button. So glad that I didn't hesitate for long. The truth needed to be exposed to the light so that He could start to bring healing. Satan wants me to keep those things inside, to feel badly because I am not praying, to feel like a fraud...but God knew how I was feeling already He just needed me to be honest with myself and with Him. Thank you Lord that you love me no matter what. Thank you that when I am weak you are strong. Thank you that you still use me even in my darkest hours. You amaze me! Truly you do. Not sure how it could be that you love like me do, but I sure am glad!
Saturday, August 16, 2008
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18 comments:
I agree with you. I believe we all need to get honest and take off our mask. This really makes Satan mad! The truth is we are sinners saved by grace and we need each other and need to be honest about our struggles so that we can move on in our healing (physical, emotional, spiritual). Thank you for your honesty.
I think you are on to something when you talk about head knowledge and heart knowledge. Great stuff!
Blessings,
Nicole
You have wrote about something that I think most of us struggle with. Being honest about what we are feeling with God. We have this mindset of praying for what is right and good. But God wants us to be honest even when we are angry or stressed or whatever it maybe. Great HONEST post! Thanks!
What can I say except I Love You.
You are my best friend that I have never met.
Love, LINDA
Sheryl
I appreciate your honesty. I too have times when it is hard to pray and really mean it. Hard to know if it is all worth the effort.
It is those times that I feel the Lord even closer to my heart than ever. I can feel Him lifting me up and giving me the strength to go on. The strength to BELIEVE that He is really is in control of everything.
I think that you felt that strength and are now believing more deeply than ever.
Take care.
Denise in Texas
Dearest Sheryl,
Thank you for being so open about your feelings and not just pretending.
I wanted to comment on your last post too but my Internet is on the blink.
What you are saying shows that God is vith you. The Holy Spirit is helping you in your veakness and you are justified by the blood of Jesus not by your effort.
Take time to be holy.
God is by your side and so is the body of believers.
A big hug
I just told someone today that I'm real open on my blog. I leave out some things just because they're too ugly....but for the most part, I'm an open book. The thing I love about the bloggers I have met in this process, is that they pray. You ask, they pray. I need that in my life and I'm learning never to be afraid to ask for prayer! Love to you.
sometimes the 'pause before publishing' posts are the best ones with the most fruit.
I'm with you on the honesty part. I often want to write about how I am feeling in those dark times but don't because I feel like that's not what my readers want or that God doesn't want me to be whining. But we need to speak the truth even when it's not a bed of roses, because it is in the difficulties and battles that we see the true glory of our Father.
It's hard to lay it all out there for the world to see, but I am so thankful that you do have the courage to do so. It helps others to know that we're not alone in the way that we feel.
Love ya girl!
Suzanne :)
Sheryl..
I love your honesty, your realness and your genuine spirit and heart for the Lord. Please don't ever feel like you have to justify or explain yourself. What you are going through and feeling is touching the hearts of women everywhere who might be experiencing the same issues right now, and for many of them you are their voices. Just know that you have a ministry being developed and who better for others to relate to than someone who is walking the walk and talking the talk. I believe your healing will come through the way you are ministering to others so you go girlfriend!!!
Hugz Lorie
Oh Sweet Sheryl.. how we need to be honest with ourselves.. just lay it all out there... God already knows what is in our hearts, and yes there will be seasons when we are just all dried out... and don't really know what and how to pray!!! But, still He says, "call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and mighty things that you do not know"
He already knows what we have need of, but He wants us to ask.. seek.. find!!! Oh sweet release, when we are finally resting in the arms of Jesus!!
TaDa!!!
More on your e-mail.
Love, LINDA
Just wanted to let you know that we're all praying for you on our DAY of PRAYER on our blog today.
~Blessings,
Jan
thanks for your comment on my post..... you are so correct and that is what I need to do.... uncap this thing and bring it to the Lord for healing with my husband. Thanks for the prayers.
You are the third Siesta to mention our forum so far and I have just started reading. Soon you will need a skyful of STARS!!
Love, LINDA
Sheryl,
It is so nice to meet you! Thank you so much for visiting my blog. I have enjoyed looking at your's as well. I see a fresh honesty in you that seems to have evaded much of the Christian church. Thanks for being real. None of us are perfect, but when we get real, we see healing and growth. Grace and peace to you, friend. I look forward to knowing you more!
Love,
Shauna Okongo
Hey, I just read this post and the one before it. Thank you so much for sharing that you feel "stuck" and dont'/can't pray. That you are not hearing from God. Numb. I am there too. My circumstances are quite different, but grieving the loss of the happiness and joy I knew before the set of events that sent me into a dark night of the soul. Grieving, still. Only there has been no safe place to grieve, except with the Lord. He has been faithful and gracious to allow me to heal from hurts and still unanswered questions, but right now, He just seems distant. OR maybe it's just me. Numb. and Lonely. Yes. That's it, numb and lonely...
Again, thanks for sharing.
After reading all the comments to your post, "Grieving Giving Getting" it is pretty clear that just about every one identifies with the feelings you are having. I really like what Lorie said, that God is developing a ministry in you and God will bring healing to you as you are the voice of many that are feeling the same way
as you do.
No one wants to feel they are in a boat alone. . and you aren't! We are all with you! You might have to get a bigger boat! :)
mary
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