Not sure what's happening with me lately. But I am just going to come here and lay it all out. There is a block somewhere. A disconnect between me and the Lord. I am not praying. That is not like me, but it's where I am. I've been here for awhile actually. Been trying to figure why, asking God if there is unconfessed sin, asking why every time I begin to pray it just seems futile? And you know what, He is not really answering me. Maybe I am not earnestly asking.
Told someone the other day that I'm not praying for Don, not praying for restoration, not praying for his salvation.I don't really care. Truly, I don't. And it's not out of bitterness, there is just nothing! Nothing! I feel nothing. Please understand that I know we are not to be directed by our feelings, what I am saying is that I don't feel any compulsion to pray for him and I don't really even want him back. There. I said it!
So it dawns on me yesterday that maybe I am numb. In part of the grieving process. Grieving the loss of my life. The life I once knew. The life I loved before my illness. Full. Fun. Free. That is not my life any more and I miss it. Please know that all the words I've written on here over the past several months have been true. Because I know there have been times I've said that I wouldn't trade this year of illness for anything. I still believe that but for right now I think I need to grieve and mourn. That was a step I just kind of skipped over. Like I just resolved that this is my life now, get on with it, quit the pity party....
It is okay to weep. Jesus did. It's okay to be angry as long as I don't sin in my anger. Jesus did. It's okay to ask God to take this from me. Jesus did. It's okay to ask God why He has forsaken me. Jesus did. I can ask and then to immediately remember His great love for me. IF He gave me nothing else but forgiveness and salvation I should be content.
So I am numb. Can't pray right now. Feel distant from God in a way I haven't felt in a long time. Hopefully this will cause me to cry out to Him! Beg Him to draw me closer. Ask Him to pray for me when I cannot find the words, even when I don't feel like finding the words. I don't want to be apathetic, I want to care about my marriage....but right now I simply do not. There is peace that it is ending. I don't know if that peace is a gift from God or a tool of satan. See what a mess I am right now. Maybe I just need to shut off my brain and stop thinking.
What is the point of this post? To any of you that read it, it probably is pointless. To me, it is healing to write out my thoughts. Get them out so they don't have power or control over me. Pray for me as I grieve the loss of my life. I think that's a normal part of this process. By no means am I saying God cannot heal, but for now He is choosing not to and I am grieving.
He is the God of miracles. The God of unconditional love. The God of mercy and grace. The God of restoration. The God of truth. The God who is the same yesterday, today and forever.
I know that when I am through this process, He will not be any different...but I will be!