Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Grieving the Loss of my Life

Not sure what's happening with me lately. But I am just going to come here and lay it all out. There is a block somewhere. A disconnect between me and the Lord. I am not praying. That is not like me, but it's where I am. I've been here for awhile actually. Been trying to figure why, asking God if there is unconfessed sin, asking why every time I begin to pray it just seems futile? And you know what, He is not really answering me. Maybe I am not earnestly asking.

Told someone the other day that I'm not praying for Don, not praying for restoration, not praying for his salvation.I don't really care. Truly, I don't. And it's not out of bitterness, there is just nothing! Nothing! I feel nothing. Please understand that I know we are not to be directed by our feelings, what I am saying is that I don't feel any compulsion to pray for him and I don't really even want him back. There. I said it!

So it dawns on me yesterday that maybe I am numb. In part of the grieving process. Grieving the loss of my life. The life I once knew. The life I loved before my illness. Full. Fun. Free. That is not my life any more and I miss it. Please know that all the words I've written on here over the past several months have been true. Because I know there have been times I've said that I wouldn't trade this year of illness for anything. I still believe that but for right now I think I need to grieve and mourn. That was a step I just kind of skipped over. Like I just resolved that this is my life now, get on with it, quit the pity party....

It is okay to weep. Jesus did. It's okay to be angry as long as I don't sin in my anger. Jesus did. It's okay to ask God to take this from me. Jesus did. It's okay to ask God why He has forsaken me. Jesus did. I can ask and then to immediately remember His great love for me. IF He gave me nothing else but forgiveness and salvation I should be content.

Should be!

So I am numb. Can't pray right now. Feel distant from God in a way I haven't felt in a long time. Hopefully this will cause me to cry out to Him! Beg Him to draw me closer. Ask Him to pray for me when I cannot find the words, even when I don't feel like finding the words. I don't want to be apathetic, I want to care about my marriage....but right now I simply do not. There is peace that it is ending. I don't know if that peace is a gift from God or a tool of satan. See what a mess I am right now. Maybe I just need to shut off my brain and stop thinking.

What is the point of this post? To any of you that read it, it probably is pointless. To me, it is healing to write out my thoughts. Get them out so they don't have power or control over me. Pray for me as I grieve the loss of my life. I think that's a normal part of this process. By no means am I saying God cannot heal, but for now He is choosing not to and I am grieving.

He is the God of miracles. The God of unconditional love. The God of mercy and grace. The God of restoration. The God of truth. The God who is the same yesterday, today and forever.

I know that when I am through this process, He will not be any different...but I will be!


22 comments:

Jan and Tom's Place said...

Oh Sheryl...

Just know...many of us are praying for you.

Someone told me once...when I was feeling distant from the Lord...to "climb up in HIS lap and just let it all out ~ cry, scream, rant and rave...then, rest in HIS arms". I imagined doing that...and believe me...it helped. It was so comforting...and I really did "feel" HIM!!

~Blessings,
Jan

tiggerdaisy said...

I have been in that place of disconnect before and I didn't like it. I will be praying for you my sweet friend. Love to you!

Rebecca

Kim in NC said...

Sheryl,

That is the great thing about our God.

When we don't have the words to say, He still hears our cries. When we feel distant, He is still right beside us holding our hand.

Keep crying out to Him. He is listening.

Praying for you.

Love ya',
Kim

His Girl said...

I think you're right- when we expose that stuff, we are taking a step in the right direction, that direction that leads us out of the cycle and into real growth & breakthroughs.

praying for you!

-a

Amy said...

"Satan loves isolation." that is what Beth Moore says. And it is true. Tell satan to get behind you. Although you do not know where your marriage is headed, that is ok. God is working it out for His Glory and that doesn't necessarily mean that you two will be husband and wife. But you are building on a new relationship here and that is the most important one. Work on it, don't give up. Focus on the Goal...... JESUS!

Earthmommy said...

I can understand completely and totally how you feel. It's a place we all come to, many times in the course of a lifetime. I am in much the same state myself, as you'll see in my latest post. If you would like to talk more please feel free to email me anytime. Big hugs to you!

Suzanne said...

Hugs to you Sheryl. I just hate it that you're struggling as you are. I've been in that "not praying" place before and it is awful. I pray that you will soon start to see the light at the end of that dark tunnel. I know that you know God is right there with you through it all and am thankful that you have Him to help you through.

Love you my friend,

Suzanne

Anonymous said...

Hey dear. After our little chat today I wanted to come over and read your blog. I have to tell you that I know exactly where you are. You know pretty much everything that has been happening in my life over the past couple of months so you probably won't be surprised to hear that I've been exactly where you are right now. After Pam died I couldn't pray. That went on for almost a month. I was just empty and full at the same time, if that makes any sense. Full because I had endured so much, empty because I felt nothing. I guess it's an automatic mechanism that kicks in when you just can't take anymore. You just shut down. But I also know that you're probably hating that feeling right now. I did. I remember the night that I had finally had enough of it. I couldn't pray. Could not think of any words to say. So I lay in bed and just repeated the name "Jesus". It's comforting to know that sometimes we don't have to say a thing. It's true that God will meet you where you are. I was in a pit that I couldn't climb out of and if He wanted me, He was going to have to come in and get me. Please remember 'this too shall pass'. Don't worry about it. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just know that this is just one more step you're having to take. God will be waiting whenever you're ready. I've grown to love you so much. You've been my light more often than I can ever tell you. I'll be praying for you and I know that everything's going to be alright. Just be patient.....with God and yourself.

Love, Becca/AL

Paula (SweetPea) said...

Sheryl, your post was not pointless to me and probably not to others. I KNOW how you feel. Trust me I've been there. And when your desire to pray and believe for restoration returns, don't be surprised if it fades or you lose it again. It's a daily thing. There are so many moments that I think I don't care about my marriage. I just want the pain and this phase over with. Just give me your plan for me Lord is what I often think. But then in the pit of my heart is that longing for a man whom I gave my whole heart to.

I think that maybe, at least for me, the lack of desire to pray for our beloveds and marriages could be to lesson the focus and the desire to have those relationships restored. If we desire them less, we desire Christ more. Something to ponder as I am pondering it for myself.

Just believe and trust in the Lord's plan for you. You know sometimes the words I hate to hear most are "God's in control. He has a plan." I sometimes shake my head at that and say, yeah, yeah. I know but then why this, why that.

Please know my heart aches with you. My heart not only sympathizes with you but I empathize with you. I truly can because I've grieved the loss of my life as it was and long for a new life yet still with beloved.
Love and prayers, my sweet friend.
Paula

nancygrayce said...

Please know that every Christian who has ever lived in this fallen world has come to the exact same place you find yourself. Romans 8:26 says "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express" The Holy Spirit is praying for you RIGHT NOW! You may not feel it, but He is!

As a divorced woman, I can tell you that it is o.k. to feel what you feel! If it is nothing for now, well so be it!

That is also what the body of Christ, the Church is for....those of us who read your words will be praying for you and your situation!

Some days, I just look at my Bible and can't seem to touch it. You'll be o.k. and you'll pray again! But for now, know we are praying for you and so is Jesus as He sits at the right hand of our Father!

Joanne Kennedy said...

You say you have been talking to God. Well that is prayer! Prayer is nothing more then speaking directly to God for guidance, love, compassion and worship.

God knows your heart. He knows you are going through a hard time. He is there with you.

When I feel like you do I try to go to a place where I am alone. Then I talk to God. I tell Him how I'm feeling. I tell Him I will hold tight to him and lean on Him. I tell Him I'm sorry but this is all that I can give right now.

I picture Him standing in front of me or next to me as I talk to Him. I picture me putting my hand into His and Him drawing me near.

I know He hears me. I know He hears you too. He will carry you through this time. When you come out of it and are on the other side, you will once again have your strength to praise and worship Him as you long to now.

Hang in there and know that GOD IS.

Hugs,
Joanne

Joyfulsister said...

Hi Sheryl..
(((Hugz Sistah))). I don't know if you read my post on "Lord, I can't pray"..It's listed under Prayer journey on the right side bar. I call those days my Desert seasons, and believe me we all have them. And you know what my sistah, it's okay to grieve, it's okay to feel what you are feeling, don't let anyone tell you that it's time to get over it, only you and the Lord will decide on that time. I leave you with a part of that post I was taking about...

The holy spirit understands, he really does care. He cares so much that he tells us in these scriptures that he will do our praying for us, and be beside us.

Each tear we cry is a prayer, each groan is a prayer. When all we can say is help me, he helps us and he goes to the Father and presents our prayer for us.

Romans 8:26..Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s spirit is right along side us helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it does not matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans.

He know us far better than we know ourselves, and keeps us present before God.


Hugz Lorie

Mary said...

David in the Psalms gives many ups and downs of emotions. In Psalm 13 David says "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts?. . . but then in verse 5 he says, "But I trust in your unfailing love."
David was called "A man after God's Own Heart". . and he was, but he still went through a roller coaster of emotions and many times felt forsaken.
I think you will find just about any emotion we are dealing with, can be found in the Psalms. We read and can find ourself in
its pages.

You are so precious, Sheryl!

mary

Laura said...

Sheryl,
I read your post this morning and I even though I have never lost a husband or by that matter had one but your post really spoke to my heart.
Your honesty before us and more importantly him is so wonderful. I am praying that God would be with you right now and give you the direction. Whatever your feelings are that is ok. They are yours. Its all apart of the process.
I love you dearly.

Nicole said...

Hi Sheryl,

I just listened to the song "Praise you in the Storm" by Casting Crowns. I thought of you. I love music. It lifts my spirits. If you feel up to it I encourage you to watch the video on youtube of this song. I am praying for you my dear friend in Christ!

Love and Blessings,
Nicole

Joanne said...

Sheryl,

You know from our emails that I have been where you are. The grief is like the waves on a sandy shore. Often times they crash repeatedly, other times there is a moment to catch your breath before the next wave hits. Don't be hard on yourself if you are feeling indifference right now. God will never let you slip out of His hands. You are there no matter what my friend. When your life makes a complete U-turn, be ready to bump a curb or two. It is not the life you had, but you're right about one thing, it is the life that you will grow to love. I promise you that...

better yet, God promises you that.

-Joanne

Jenn @ Casa de Castro said...

Fascinating to me that so many of the comments say "I've been there" or "I know how you're feeling." The truth is we ALL either have been where you are or will be one day because Satan is still in this world. He DOES desire separation while the Lord desires fellowship. The separation part is painful surely, but not permanent.

There's a reason the Lord tells us to hide His Word in our hearts. Even here in the midst of this "drought," your heart recalled His goodness and His promises. THAT'S WHY we're supposed to learn and love Scripture and commit it to memory. When the going gets tough, whatever is in the heart comes out even when our fragile minds and finicky feelings won't play along. When I was going through my darkest days, my precious pastor told me to "drag my feelings kicking and screaming behind me until they catch up with the truth my mind knew completely." What great advice that was!

Having watched my sister on this same journey with her ex-husband (now her husband AGAIN!), I think what you're going through with the apathy and numbness about your husband IS part of the grieving process. It also allows you to get to a place where you
can think through some things and then get ready to move into the next phase, whatever that may be.

There are many out here in the blogosphere who have come to love you and your precious heart and will be standing in the gap for you. I love that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when we can't articulate things for ourselves. God made us, He understands us, and He always waits for us when we take a little side trip from our faith journey.

Blessings, my sister and friend.

A Lamp Unto My Feet said...

Hi Sheryl-

Your post is not pointless at all. It makes perfect sense to me because those feelings about not praying and or the distance felt are familiar territory for me. I've been there and know that my prayers are with you.

Your prayers have gone before the throne of grace and they are right before the One who sits on the throne. God told us through Jeremiah while in prison - Call to me and I will answer you.

One of the Psalmists asked the following questions of his own soul:
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?

His answer: Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

As you rightly said, He's the same yesterday, today, and forever. He's right where you are.

That too shall pass my friend - Sheryl.

Hugs and kisses.

Myriam

Dancing Wallflower said...

Sheryl,
Praying and praising earnesting for you at this moment! I praise him for you in my life and what extraordinary things He will do through you for others and for yourself. If we don't take off the mask and come boldly before Him, we can't be intimately connected to Him. Be encouraged my sweet friend that not one thing does God not see in your life and will transform you from glory to glory!
I love you my friend!
Kim

Melinda said...

Just the act of laying it out there and exposing it to the light will help this time NOT fall into the hands of the enemy.

Believing with you for a brighter tomorrow, knowing that His hand is holding yours in the dark.

Love to you this day,
Melinda

lori said...

Keep writing, even when you quit praying, keep writing.
Feeling nothing, feeling empty, or anger or sadness, feel it and express it.
I wish i had been told it's okay to be mad and it's okay to cry alot, I tried to be strong all the time, and it almost destroyed me.

Susan said...

Be strong and of good courage, and do it,
do not fear nor be dismayed,
for the LORD YOUR GOD-

my God-will be with you...

He will never leave you or forsake you Sheryl. (I Chron. 29:20)

Praying for you when you can't pray, hoping and believing when you are on empty.

Believing for your breakthrough~