Absolutely NOT!

If you've been around here long enough, you know how it goes with me and the Lord. I get this unsettled feeling that there is something I need to write. Never really knowing for sure what it's supposed to be. Today it is almost an overwhelming sensation. Try as I might to do other things, I just can't shake the "need" to get it written. Problem is...I have no idea what IT is.

Just finished reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan for the second time. Amazing book. Life changing book if you don't just set it aside and say that it was a good read. I tend to do that. Feel some conviction, ponder - then nothing! This time I just know that I know that I know that there is something I need to obey. Something I need to DO.

So, I ask God. Show me. I read back through the verses I am memorizing for this year. Thinking maybe there is something in there. I come across the verses in Mark that I memorized. (ok, that is a lie, I did not memorize them - I said I would, but they are not in my memory bank) It's from Mark 11:24-25 and my paraphrase is that when you ask for something in prayer, believe that you have received it.

Thing is, there is more to those verses. It also says that if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you. Well.....this is how that conversation just went between me and the Creator of the Universe.

Me: So, are you saying that I have to forgive Don?

God: silence

Me: Well, it's not gonna happen!!

Yep, that is how I just talked to God. Good thing He is not in the mood to zap me today. Seriously, who do I think I am? God isn't asking us if we "feel like" forgiving people. He is commanding us to. You know that usually (always) when there is a command it is for our own good, because He loves us. He knows that if we follow what He tells us to do, then our lives will be full of more joy, peace, contentment.

Don does not need to admit his faults (boy I want that). Don does not need to say he had any role in the disintegration of our marriage (I really want that). Don does not need to ask for forgiveness! I am not forgiving him for his sake but for mine. To be free from bitterness. To be free from continued pain. To be obedient to a Father who loved me enough to send His Son to die on a cross for sins that I never even admitted to.

Lord, I do NOT want to do this. There is nothing in me that wants to forgive. It will only be You in me. Fill me up Lord, get rid of me. Empower me to do what I cannot.

Phew...I am exhausted!

Normal?

New normal.

That's been my mantra for the past 2 years. As we all have been adjusting to illness, separation, divorce...let's figure out how to do life in our "new normal". Have to tell you that just when you think you know what your normal is - it changes again. When I first became sick, I begged God to heal me. When healing did not come I begged to have joy in my new normal. He was faithful to bring me joy.

Normal changed again when Don left.

Ok God, now what? We'll be separated for awhile, we will all get the help we need and you will heal our family. Right? Isn't that what you are going to do Lord? Well, I can live with that. This will be my new normal until our family is whole again.

Normal changed again when divorce papers were served.

Are you kidding me, Lord? You aren't really going to let this happen, are you? Well...I guess so. Alright then, we'll learn to live in this new normal. Kids devastated, I've lost the one I walked through the last 18 years with, alone with my illness and yet...JOY. No, not happy! JOY.

God never promised us normal. He never promised us an easy life. But He did promise that He will never leave us. He does promise that He will walk each step of the way with us. There are so many of you going through things that are unthinkable to me. Life is hard! But there can be JOY in the midst of it. Look for it. It's there. Do not miss the blessings in the midst of your pain.

I would not trade the past 24 months for anything!! Inexpressible pain and heartache? Yes. But knowing Jesus like I do now makes it all worth while. Still praying for complete healing of my body and my family. Praying that God will work in the lives of David and Ellie in miraculous ways. It's hard when your life circumstances affect those you love the most. But I know that God will be faithful to them. I have to trust them to Him.

May this family never take "normal" for granted again. Lord, use us in the lives of others. Bring healing. And thank you for Your Joy in every "new normal" that we walk through.

We Are Healed

By His wounds. That is how we are healed. Healed from our sins, death. We don't have to pay the price - He does it. He did it!! I woke up the other night (honestly, I had not fallen asleep yet) with this song on my heart. I watched this video in the middle of that night with tears streaming down my face. Realizing what I had done and what He chose to do for me. Take just a minute if you can and watch some of this. (don't leave me though, because I'm not done)

If that is the "only" healing I get, I want to be satisfied. My complete physical healing may never come. My family may never find healing. In the end those are not the things that truly matter. Don't get me wrong, I want them desperately and pray for them daily - but it can't be my focus.

I want to live a life of gratitude for what Christ did for a sinner like me. A woman who was in the pit for years. Shoot - I jumped in that pit. I stayed there because I thought I was having a good time. I made choices and decisions to sin. AND HE STILL CHOSE TO DIE FOR ME! He took the punishment to bring me peace.

Peace! That is what I would like my life to model. It's hard when anger is being spewed at me. When I see my kids suffering. When I want to "right a wrong." Then I remember it is not up to me to make all things right. God is in charge. He is the avenger. He is the healer. He is going to bring beauty from ashes.

Lord, I want to live a life worthy of your sacrifice. I want to live as the "healed" child that I am. Full of peace, joy, love, faithfulness, goodness, kindness. Remind me of the price you paid. Thank you for loving me and choosing me. A sinner, one who would turn my back on you. Thank you for what you will continue to do in our lives.

We are healed......

For The Birds...

So, Friday morning was the 15th of the month, which meant it was time to pick a new verse to memorize. (If you're new here, I am doing the LPM challenge to memorize a new scripture every two weeks.) The first thing that popped into my brain was "what about that bird verse that you sort of memorized a few years ago". Yeah, I am really deep like that.

The "bird verse" was from Matthew and had something to do with not worrying about what you eat or your body and you can't....um...well that was kind of how I had it memorized!! So, I filed that thought away and went on with my day. Later I opened my front door and this is no joke - there were two baby birds sitting on some leaves on my sidewalk (right in front of my door) that started opening their little beaks to me for food!! Wow, how cool is that. Hmmm, wonder if God is trying to tell me something. Can you believe I still was not convinced that I was to memorize those verses?!

Friday was the day that my bonus daughter graduated from college in Texas. The kids were supposed to go, but the timing just didn't allow them to be away from school. And I wasn't able to travel because of this pesky illness. Anyway, P's mom let me know that we could watch a live stream of the graduation on the computer. Awesome! So we sat down and started watching. Soon it was time for the president of the university to make his speech. He started by saying that he wanted to read a few words that Jesus had given to us...

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" (Matthew 6:25-26)

THE BIRDS!!!!

Okay, Lord, I get it. You would really like me to KNOW these words. These are not just words, these are words that Jesus Christ spoke!! As I thought back to those baby birds at my front door and realized that GOD knew THEIR needs. Those tiny little creatures in Michigan were known by the creator of the universe!! If He takes care of them - well, of course, He will take care of me. He knows my needs. He longs to be the meeter of my needs. I am valuable to Him. You are valuable to Him.

Isn't that just mind blowing? Maybe I am the only one excited about this but I need to know that I do not ever leave the mind of God. His eyes are always upon me.

I do not want to spend my life worrying. It's a waste of time. It's not His will for my life. I want to be like those baby words...fully expecting that He will feed me. Arms, heart, mind WIDE open to receive what HE has to give!

To Whom Much is Given...

Much is expected.

That is a loose translation from a verse in Luke 12. It's one that has been rolling around in my head the past couple days. That can only mean one thing - I am supposed to write about it. It's not the only thing repeating itself in my brain. The other is the song "Mercy Came Running". I've been waking up singing this song. So, let's see what it is that the Lord wants to teach me.

It used to be that I thought "to whom much is given, much is expected" meant money and material things. It does. But that's not where it stops. Whatever we have been given "much" of, we are expected to give out. So, what have I been given "much"?

Mercy. (hmmm?)
Forgiveness.
Love.
Grace.
Freedom.
Friendships.
Joy.
Peace.

Those are just the first things that popped into my head. (Remember I am writing this as I type, so I have to believe that God is directing this) I have been given those things in abundance. Today I believe that it must be mercy where I am supposed to camp.

Mercy in biblical terms means not getting what you deserve. As in punishment. Death. Grace is getting something we don't deserve and mercy is not getting what we do deserve. God in all of His love and goodness has extended both to me (and to you). However, his mercy has been extended over and over and over. A long time ago I wrote a post titled Running and Chasing which shows how much I ran from the Lord. Yet...His mercy came running!!

If I have been given so much then I need to extend just as much if not more. I need to pour out all that has been given. Not just the mercy. I need to seek out those who are feeling all alone since I have been given friendship. I need to find those that aren't feeling loved and show them love. There are many who are living joyless lives while I have been given joy immeasurable.

Honestly I have no idea of the purpose of this post. It may be just for me and to remind me that God is expecting me to pour out from all the He has given. My heart races when I think that I might miss the purpose and calling for my life. I don't want to! Lord, thank you for all that you've given me. Help me to know what to do with it. Show me who needs some of the "much".

New Thing

Yes, you are in the right place!! Don't you love it? Even if you don't, just say you do. My friends Kate and Heather over at Smitten Blog Designs were gracious enough to put up with me. They were incredible to work with!

It's time for new beginnings, so I thought I would start with an overhaul of The Perch.

My prayers for my family are changing. They are God directed now. (you know I tend to tell God what I think He should do and He really does know better) I have already seen incredible evidence of God's faithfulness just in the past 24 hours. He never ceases to amaze me.

It's hard to pray for people who have hurt you. Well, it's hard to pray with a pure heart. At least for me it has been. I am committing once again to praying Ephesians 1:17&18 for Don. I know his heart and it is one that wants so much to be a dad to his kids. Seeing the pain in the eyes of the kids, I know that his pain must be even deeper. Praying that God keeps my heart filled with compassion toward Don.

I am going to continue to try new things to push myself even when I am feeling symptomatic. It's hard - but it's a beginning! Put my feet in the lake today for the first time since the summer of 2006!! Amazing. Hoping to get to do lots more of that with David and Ellie. They are looking forward to having a bit more of their mom back.

My "bonus daughter" graduates from college next week. What a new beginning for her. Real life. A job. (or maybe more school?) She's scared, yet excited at the same time. Wish we could be there with her but it just isn't going to work out. She has a heart for the Lord and I pray that she would allow Him to direct her steps in this new path.

New beginnings are great!! Sure it is unknown. Sure sometimes they are painful. But if we remember who is allowing the new beginnings, we can look forward expectantly. I have always loved Isaiah 43:19, See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

HE (GOD) is making the way. I am excited for the new thing!!

Running the Race

"Don't you trust me?"

Those are the words that God has been asking me over the past several days. Oh, how I want to just say "yes, of course, I trust you". But my actions convey the truth. Stress. Anxiety. Anger.

There are so many scriptural cliches that we throw around. "Cast all your cares on Him" or "It all works out for good" or "He knows the plans He has for you". Yeah, yeah, I know it!! But it doesn't make it any easier for me to just know it. I need to believe those things and behave like it!

What does it mean for me to cast my cares? It does not mean to approach the Lord and tell Him my problems and hope that He keeps them. It does not mean to be in denial and pretend like I have no cares. What does it mean to cast? The dictionary says it is to throw or hurl, to throw off or away. That takes a lot of action!!

I want to picture myself - my cares - and THROW THEM OFF of me!! Right into the waiting hands of God. Trusting that He will catch them. Knowing that He will catch them. When they start creeping back up (which they often do) I will forcefully throw them right back to Him.

Tired of satan trying to defeat me. God has a plan for my life. I only have one chance at this. My life is meant to have meaning. So is yours. Let's throw off all that hinders us and run this race!

Overflow

Hey!! Yes, I am still alive. Just had some personal things going on that I needed to work through. Life is good on this Saturday night in Michigan. It's been a beautiful day and one that I have enjoyed immensely!! Love these days.

As most of you know I am doing the Beth Moore challenge to memorize a scripture every two weeks. It's that time again to pick the next one. I am typing this without any idea still what my verse is going to be this time. Hmmm...maybe as I keep typing it will come to me??

It's been awhile since I've given you an update on the kids. Thanks so much for all your prayers for them. David is doing really well. (Thank you, Jesus) He continues to see his counselor every couple of weeks and is making great progress. He and Don see each other about once a week and talk/text several times during the week. I know that David needs this and I pray that one day this will be the father/son relationship that they both want.

Ellie still struggles with seeing Don. (she refuses) I understand it, but it's sad. I would like to wave a magic wand and make all the relationships everything that each of them want. Yes, I know that's not possible, but a girl can dream. And we can pray. I do that. A lot!

God created us for relationship. With each other. But really he created us to be in relationship with Him. Isn't that so cool that He WANTED to have a relationship with each one of us. He didn't need to - he wanted to!! That really is more than my little brain can fathom. It should be enough for each of us to realize that the creator of the universe wants to be all we need!! Wow. If we could find our satisfaction in Christ alone then so many other relationships would just fall into place. They would be our overflow!!

This is such a transition period for me in my life right now. I know I'm being healed and that is more exciting than I ever thought possible! Not sure where God is taking me next but I want to be ready. I want my relationship with Jesus to be real. Genuine. Fulfilling. I want to love Him more.

Here it is: Romans 15:3 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Yep, that fits right where I am! He will fill me with joy and peace (which I need so desperately) but my part is to trust Him. The verse says He will fill me with those things AS I trust in Him. And I will OVERFLOW with hope! Doesn't get much better than that.