Tuesday, April 8, 2008

I Feel Like I'm 9 Again

When I was a little girl my dad was diagnosed with leukemia. I prayed that God would heal my daddy and let him live. But He didn't. When I was 9, my dad died. And so did the part of me that believed that God heard and answered prayers. For a 9 year old it's hard to see that there might be "good" that could come out of your dad dying, all I saw was that God said "NO".

All of my life I have struggled to believe that God really loved ME and that he listened to ME. I could believe it for everyone else but I seemed so inconsequential. And I would go back to that January day that I was told that my daddy was in heaven with Jesus and I'd think "see, God didn't hear me, He didn't care".

I kind of feel that way again now. Why aren't you listening to me Lord? Why do you keep saying no to me? Why don't you care about me? Why does it all have to be so hard? I know, I know, in my head I know that He is listening but there's this part...this little girl that is saying "make it all stop, make it all better...PLEASE!!!!"

Don, my husband, (we're separated) called and said he wants to see an attorney. The marriage is over as far as he is concerned. And I'm screaming "Are you kidding me, Lord? This is the way you are answering me? WHY?" I feel like I'm doing all the right things. Seeking counseling, praying for Don, for the marriage, blah, blah, blah and this is what I get! For once I thought God was going to do what I asked and heal my marriage. If you're reading this you're probably thinking God doesn't do what we tell Him, He does what is best. I know this. But right now it just hurts, it is killing me. Tomorrow may bring something new, but right now all I feel is pain. And abandonment. By Don. And by God.

Lord, I'm sorry. Somewhere in my head I know better than to feel these things but I just can't help it right now. I was so sure you told me you'd bring beauty from ashes and you still might but I've got to go through this first. I'm just tired. Tired of loss. Tired of pain. Tired of feeling "less than". Tired of being let down. Tired.

I need to know (to feel) that you hear me Lord. To know (to feel) that you love me Lord! Lord, I beg for restoration in my marriage. Stop him before it's too late. I beg for healing in my body. I ask you to be near to the kids and help them to open up and feel secure. I pray that they would never feel the way that I do, that you don't listen and that you don't care. Be real to them! Give them hearts to love you. Give me a heart to love and to know you. I may have to start all over.......I feel like I'm 9 again!


HIS daughter said...


My heart is breaking right now for you! I am in tears. I KNOW what you are feeling. I have been there, in the marriage place and in the place as a child as well.

I don't want to share so very much as to expose your privacy.

But, if you would like someone to just spill it out to in an e-mail and have them read it and pray earnestly about anything and everything - I will.

I feel such pain in your words and it hurts so much. I understand, Sweetheart. I can't fix it, but I can listen and pray.

My e-mail is shraders2@gmail.com

I saw you at the LPM blog and I have lots of friends there so, I'm not "strange" or a "weird" person online. Just a almost 49 year old woman who has lived a lifetime that could be 180 years!

You can read my profile on my blogspot or some of my posts. You will see I was delivered from a pit, so nothing you could ever say would shock or surprise me.

GOD didn't save my scrawny neck for nothing. I'm back to testify to HIS glory.

Please feel free to "talk" if the Father so leads you.

May the Father's love hold you now,

valerie said...

I just want you to know that I'm adding you to my prayer list. I've not gone through the loss of a parent or a seperation from my spouse, but I have been given the gift of compassion. It breaks my heart to read your post. I'm believing God to do wonders in your life. Trust Him today and know He chose you and loves you. You may not feel like it right away, but you keep reading the Word and reading God's promises for your life and claim them for yourself. He does love you and you are so special to Him.
I'll be checking back to see how you're doing.
Love & prayers,

boltefamily said...

Wow! I came just to thank you for commenting on my blog and after reading your post I find my heart breaking for you. My mom actually died when I was nine. I remember those feelings and your post brought me right back to that place.

I wish I had answers for you or words that could ease the pain you are in. All I know is that God is in control. I will pray for you. I know all too well about knowing something with your head though and feeling something different in your heart.

I have had many "unanswered" prayers and struggled with them as well. I will pray for God to make himself known in your situation.

I also recommend the One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie. She has a great way of helping you put things into perspective.

Sending you love and prayers from PA!


Anonymous said...

I'm praying for you too. I pray that healing will take place in your marriage and that you all will know where to start.
The fact that we all are commenting is proof that God is hearing your prayer and sending all of us to support you.
He does love you. His eye is on you. Don't let your emotions be your truth. Let God's Word be your truth. The Bible IS God's love letter to you. I'll be praying sweet lady.

Dineen A. Miller said...

Hi Sheryl,
I'm a cowriter with Lynn over at Spiritually Unequal Marriage. I just came over from there to read your story and wanted to tell you I'm praying for you and your husband. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can understand a little what you're feeling about God not hearing you. I'm going through that now with some issues with my daughters. Even though it doesn't seem like it, I know God is there and will give me the strength I need to persevere. And he'll do that for you too, no matter what the outcome. I wish I had better answers for you, but I do have lots of cyber hugs and prayers going your way.

Lynn said...

Oh Sheryl,

I am heartbroken for you. I feel actual pain in my chest as I just read your posts.

I cannot begin to offer you words of wisdom or the "why" of it all.

All I can bring is the love in my heart from the Savior. I am wrapping you in prayer, bringing you before the throne now every day. Also, your children.

Please write to me and let me pray for each of you by name if possible.

I am loving on you now. I pray you will feel it. Lynn

SweetPea said...

Oh, how I could feel your pain in the fourth paragraph. I felt all those things, exactly, but I think I'm coming away from that.

I too have begged God to restore my marriage. Even if the divorce goes through, do not give up. If you will be faithful to God and your vow to Him through your marriage, He will be faithful to it also. Have you been to rejoiceministries.org?

I too can so understand your feeling of just being tired of the pain, rejection, let down after let down.

Love to you,