When I was a little girl my dad was diagnosed with leukemia. I prayed that God would heal my daddy and let him live. But He didn't. When I was 9, my dad died. And so did the part of me that believed that God heard and answered prayers. For a 9 year old it's hard to see that there might be "good" that could come out of your dad dying, all I saw was that God said "NO".
All of my life I have struggled to believe that God really loved ME and that he listened to ME. I could believe it for everyone else but I seemed so inconsequential. And I would go back to that January day that I was told that my daddy was in heaven with Jesus and I'd think "see, God didn't hear me, He didn't care".
I kind of feel that way again now. Why aren't you listening to me Lord? Why do you keep saying no to me? Why don't you care about me? Why does it all have to be so hard? I know, I know, in my head I know that He is listening but there's this part...this little girl that is saying "make it all stop, make it all better...PLEASE!!!!"
Don, my husband, (we're separated) called and said he wants to see an attorney. The marriage is over as far as he is concerned. And I'm screaming "Are you kidding me, Lord? This is the way you are answering me? WHY?" I feel like I'm doing all the right things. Seeking counseling, praying for Don, for the marriage, blah, blah, blah and this is what I get! For once I thought God was going to do what I asked and heal my marriage. If you're reading this you're probably thinking God doesn't do what we tell Him, He does what is best. I know this. But right now it just hurts, it is killing me. Tomorrow may bring something new, but right now all I feel is pain. And abandonment. By Don. And by God.
Lord, I'm sorry. Somewhere in my head I know better than to feel these things but I just can't help it right now. I was so sure you told me you'd bring beauty from ashes and you still might but I've got to go through this first. I'm just tired. Tired of loss. Tired of pain. Tired of feeling "less than". Tired of being let down. Tired.
I need to know (to feel) that you hear me Lord. To know (to feel) that you love me Lord! Lord, I beg for restoration in my marriage. Stop him before it's too late. I beg for healing in my body. I ask you to be near to the kids and help them to open up and feel secure. I pray that they would never feel the way that I do, that you don't listen and that you don't care. Be real to them! Give them hearts to love you. Give me a heart to love and to know you. I may have to start all over.......I feel like I'm 9 again!