This isn't a post I have put any thought into, it is just going to come out however it sees fit. This is 3 weeks now that I've been bed-ridden (for those who are new, for lack of a better description for you, I have chronic vertigo). Anyway, it is now so bad that people are in and out of my house most of the day and someone is staying at night. I am far too weak to get in and out of bed without help.
Well, yesterday, I completely lost it! I had a really bad "whirl" and they are scary. That just set off an emotional roller coaster. I am frustrated and completely discouraged that I have no progress in my condition in a year. Yes, that's right, it's been almost a year since I have had to give up my life and fight against this condition. (I know others have way worse things, but for me this is hard) I am frustrated with the Lord, I guess. I know He can take this away at any time. I know he can at least give me progress so that I can be a mom to my kids. But for reason, he keeps saying no or not yet. I have also been second guessing the decision of my husband and I separating. (my mom reminded me, however, that is probably Satan trying to get the best of me) There were no options but to separate, but I've been doing all the what-ifs in my head.
I am here alone with the kids. Yet not alone at all. My parents are amazing, friends, strangers who care. And I have to keep reminding myself that I am never alone. God is always with me even though I may not feel it. Go back to the Word and the Word says He will never leave us. I must stand on the truth not on my feelings. (easier said than done) I want to believe that I will one day walk again, play again, be "fun mom" again. Right now I feel deep sadness. But I guess that's okay, it's all a part of the grieving process. I am losing many different things at the same time. The loss of my life as I knew it and learning to live in my "new normal" would be enough. But I am also grieving what might be the end of a marriage.
Father, you came to bind up the brokenhearted. I am brokenhearted right now. You came to set the captives freedom. I am already walking in that freedome, don't let Satan take back any ground. You came to bring beauty from ashes and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. Fill me with your praise, bind up my heart and let's walk the freedom road together.
John 13:7Jesus answered and said unto him,"What I do you do not realize now,but you shall understand hereafter."