Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Walking or Not

This isn't a post I have put any thought into, it is just going to come out however it sees fit. This is 3 weeks now that I've been bed-ridden (for those who are new, for lack of a better description for you, I have chronic vertigo). Anyway, it is now so bad that people are in and out of my house most of the day and someone is staying at night. I am far too weak to get in and out of bed without help.

Well, yesterday, I completely lost it! I had a really bad "whirl" and they are scary. That just set off an emotional roller coaster. I am frustrated and completely discouraged that I have no progress in my condition in a year. Yes, that's right, it's been almost a year since I have had to give up my life and fight against this condition. (I know others have way worse things, but for me this is hard) I am frustrated with the Lord, I guess. I know He can take this away at any time. I know he can at least give me progress so that I can be a mom to my kids. But for reason, he keeps saying no or not yet. I have also been second guessing the decision of my husband and I separating. (my mom reminded me, however, that is probably Satan trying to get the best of me) There were no options but to separate, but I've been doing all the what-ifs in my head.

I am here alone with the kids. Yet not alone at all. My parents are amazing, friends, strangers who care. And I have to keep reminding myself that I am never alone. God is always with me even though I may not feel it. Go back to the Word and the Word says He will never leave us. I must stand on the truth not on my feelings. (easier said than done) I want to believe that I will one day walk again, play again, be "fun mom" again. Right now I feel deep sadness. But I guess that's okay, it's all a part of the grieving process. I am losing many different things at the same time. The loss of my life as I knew it and learning to live in my "new normal" would be enough. But I am also grieving what might be the end of a marriage.

Father, you came to bind up the brokenhearted. I am brokenhearted right now. You came to set the captives freedom. I am already walking in that freedome, don't let Satan take back any ground. You came to bring beauty from ashes and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. Fill me with your praise, bind up my heart and let's walk the freedom road together.

John 13:7Jesus answered and said unto him,"What I do you do not realize now,but you shall understand hereafter."


Anonymous said...

I am glad that you have helpers during the day and night. It must be nice to know that someone is close-by if you need help. That is a blessing.

I am sorry that you had a rough day. Maybe it's your body getting used to the new medicine. I am hoping that the new medicine will start working quickly and you will soon be up and about.

Three weeks is a long time in bed. It makes for too much time to think about the bad stuff, huh? I will pray that your thoughts wander to the good stuff more than the bad in the coming days.

I have been so very busy with my kids lately. We have had so many activities and weekend long dance competitions lately. It is exhausting and I was starting to feel bad for myself because of it. But when I read you blog it reminds me that I should be grateful for what I have on my plate and what I am able to do. Thank you for that.

Take care.


Joanne said...

Praying for you my friend.

Love, Joanne

p.s. I sent you an email.

Susan said...

Dear Sheryl,

I first want to thank you for your prayers and for stoping by to check up on us. This means so much~

I'm just so sorry you are struggling now. I know chronic diseases can be so discouraging, not to mention so many other elements that go with it.

Please know I'm always thinking of you and praying, you are not alone.

I pray you will find comfort in God's word and in the company of friends and family.

Keep holding on to Jesus, He'll never let you go♥