My Husband

As I have said before I love the book of Isaiah. Here are two of my favorite verses from the 54th Chapter. They really speak to me these days. God is my husband, no matter what happens with my earthly husband.

5 For your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is his name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.
6 The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—a wife who married young, only to be rejected," says your God.

Today is March 30th, in 6 days Don and I would be celebrating our 17th wedding anniversary. Well, it will still be our anniversary, it's just that there won't be a celebration. I am feeling led to send him a note (not something my fleshly nature is really dying to do). Guess I'll give it a couple of days to roll around in my head before I write it and then send it off.

I told Ellie today that she and David would be going to see my new best friend with me tomorrow. (my counselor, Laura). I really didn't think she'd give me much trouble, but boy was I wrong. She gave me the eye roll and said "oh, so we have problems". I had to bite my tongue so as not to say, duh....................! But I told her it was something I was asking her to do for me and I wanted her to have a relationship with her father and I'd never been through something like this before so I needed help figuring it out. Now I really can't wait to tell David. Again, if anyone is out there, please be praying for us tomorrow.

On to a totally different topic: when I first was diagnosed and the doctor's at Northwestern told me I would never get my life back as I knew it, I had three prayer requests. They were-

• for complete healing (which would be a miracle)
• for joy in the midst of these cirumstances
• to do or attempt to do some of the things I've been missing

I realized that I've stopped praying for those things. I'm writing this here, so that I am accountable, I am going to start asking for those things again. I've become WAY too comfortable not trying some things I need to try. I don't even attempt to go out to the mailbox. I need to try. I will post on the things I try, the joy I find, and the healings (however small) that God shows me. God is my husband and HE may begin by healing my broken heart!

Inspired to Find Joy

A pity party, that's what I've been having. It really has been long overdue, but it's time to stop now. It does not change my circumstances. Doesn't make my illness go away. Doesn't make Don come home. Doesn't mend the relationship between a dad and his children. So let's find the joy in the day.

The "spinning" isn't terrible today. I actually washed and dried my hair - a big feat for me. And I must say it looks pretty darn good.

David is doing "work" around the house without being asked. Another big feat - as he is 15!!!

The sun is shining brightly. We may not be away on spring break but at least we've got the sun.

I love my espressso brown laptop. Okay, that's pretty random, but if you know me and my "condition", it is huge that I have this laptop. And even more huge that it is espresso brown.

This is fun..what else...maybe I'll just write a list of things I love. How about 10 of them and then I'll call it good. Too much joy and I might make myself even sicker

1. bottled water
2. reading
3. hair product (I have very curly hair but wear it straight, love my hair product)
4. stationery
5. a new journal
6. bags, shoes, jewelery (had to lump them together or I'd be almost done)
7. my aforementioned espresso brown laptop
8. friends & family
9. my kids
10. Jesus (saved the best for last)

Okay, I am officially joy-filled. Thanks to those of you out in blog-land who inspire me to take my eyes off of myself!

I'm Jealous

There, I said it! I. Am. Jealous! My dad came to pick up Ellie for school today, which he does every day and he told me had no plans for the day so if I needed anything, give him a call. I responded that I would probably be spending the day in bed. (I was very symptomatic yesterday and can feel it already today). Anyway, he said he wishes he could do the same thing. I proceed to tell him..."well, I wish I didn't have to. I wish I could do all the things everybody is complaining about, scrub the toilets, scrub the floor, go to the grocery store! But, oh no they complain, while I am dying to do those things!" Well, my dad didn't need to hear my rant this morning and he didn't need to feel badly for saying he'd like to stay in bed all day. It was a natural response to what I said. But I am still jealous!!

At the end of school today, spring break begins. Around here, EVERYONE leaves. Actually by now almost everyone is gone...Mexico, Florida, Hilton Head, cruises, etc. And here we are sitting at home like every other day, without the option of going anywhere because mom can't do anything! And I. Am. Jealous. Not really jealous that they are all gone just that they have the option and some seem not to realize how fortunate they are.

And I cry. Haven't cried much. But today, they come. Tears of frustration. Tears of just pure feelin' sorry for myself. That's it, I feel sorry for myself. It's a lot for one person to handle alone. Always alone. Someone called the other night, realizing that my kids are always gone that night and said "oh, I am so sorry I am just realizing that you spend this evening all alone". Well I spend almost all of my time alone so one more evening doesn't really seem to matter. There are those days when people stop by and I AM GRATEFUL!! But most of my time is spent alone. I need to make better use of that time. But today I am giving myself this day to be jealous and to cry.

A Good Day

It really was a good day! Wow I haven't said that in a long time. Sure feels good to say it. I felt pretty decent. Had lots of company. From 11:30 am until 8:30 pm. That's a lot of company. Nice to have friends and it's especially nice when you feel decent and can enjoy their company. I worked on the fundraiser auction for David's mission trip. So good to feel productive, love having "work" to do. Made dinner. Just a good day.

David got a letter of support from his grandparents today (Don's folks). They sent him a very generous donation toward his trip and she wrote him a really nice note. We haven't had any contact since Don moved out and I'm thinking they may be scared that they're losing the whole family. I need to reach out to them. They are not believers. The kids and I need to show them God's love. Just because things might not work out with their son, they are still an important part of our family and they mean a great deal to us. We need to make the effort!

Tomorrow is my second session with my new favorite counselor, Laura. I cannot wait. Man, I love counseling. I know some people think that's crazy but I love going in there and just baring my soul and telling all my dirt and having someone give me great advice and wisdom. Especially from a Christian perspective. I always wanted to be a counselor but I guess you have to have finished school to be able to do that. My friends say I do it already. But now I really need to be getting paid for it. I wonder if that's legal.

It really was a good day........thank you Jesus! Thank you.

Time to Practice What I Preach

I really need to vent. Things did not go well with Don and "the man he trusts". Well, they got along fine but it looks like we have a long road ahead of us. Looks like divorce. But looks can be deceiving and God is still in this. I am always the one saying that you just need to trust God. Not trust God to do________________. Just trust God. I want to trust God that He will bring beauty from ashes in my marriage. I want to trust God that he will restore our family. I want to trust God that He will heal my hurting heart. I want to trust God that he will heal the pain my kids feel. When really I just need to trust God. I say it all the time. (It is something I learned from Beth Moore) Now I need to practice it. You know, God teaches you something and then comes the test to see how well you learned what He taught you. I hope that test is short and easy. I've always hated tests!

I'm ticked at Don. He seems very selfish and self-centered at the moment. He is enjoying his freedom. I shouldn't be surprised. Our friend, Stu, said that men will be mean so that we eventually kick them out and then they can say it was our fault. We kicked them out. That is the truth in this situation. Enough was enough. But I know God has a plan and a calling on Don's life if only he will relinquish control. But how long? How long, Lord?

And I'm tired of fighting the illness, tired of fighting for the marriage, fighting for peace in the home, for sanity, for purpose, trying to be obedient. I'm tired of being judged. People judge when they don't even know the story. They look in from the outside and "assume". I'm not going to slander Don all around town just so people will "understand" and then back me. Just back me and pray for me because I asked you to. I don't care if you understand or if you agree.

Boy, I really am venting and it feels good. I love you, Lord. I know you are the Healer. I'm begging you for healing. Pour it down on David, Ellie, and myself. And on Don, Lord. He needs it the most because he doesn't think he needs it. "Give him the spirit of wisdom and revelation so that he may know you better and know the hope to which you've called him"

If Anyone Is Out There...

I am begging you to pray tomorrow (Tuesday 3/25) at 7:30 am (EST). My husband, Don, has agreed to meet with a man whom he trusts and respects. This is a huge step. This does not mean that we are getting back together it is simply a "step". Don needs this for himself. He needs someone he can confide in, ask questions of, trust, scream to, be real with, and someone who is truly a follower of Christ to point him to the Healer! So...if you are out there, I would love to know it and I covet your prayers tomorrow, however God leads you to pray.

If you read this long after the day has come and gone, trust me we will still be in deep need of your prayers. Our family has a lot of healing to do.

Trusting God!

A New Thing

"May God’s peace be upon you, may His strength support you, may His wisdom guide you and may His resurrection hold your days and nights." These are words sent to me by my friend, Stu. What a blessing it is to have friends like Stu and Vicki who are willing to share what they have been through and let God use them in my life. I'm not sure where Don and I stand right now, at the moment it looks bleak, but it is always darkest before the dawn. I must continue to trust in a good God! I'm tired of all my postings being "down". I'm really an upbeat, positive person and I want to write about the good instead of the ugly. Well, He is making the ugly good and I know that.

What a beautiful day it is today. Sick of the snow, but spring is just around the corner. Technically, spring is already here, but you wouldn't know it by all the snow we got over the weekend. Can't wait to see the first flowers start to push the ground, showing new life. New life! We have new life already, I have new life already, now act like it!

Spring break is just around the corner (next week) According to the kids, EVERYONE, is going somewhere except for us. Wish I could go and do something fun with them. Maybe I shouldn't wish it, maybe I should pray for it. Not something exotic, just anything. At this point, they would love to just go out to a restaurant or a movie or shopping with me. We could always go "tanning" and pretend we went away. Somebody might have to carry me out of the tanning bed if I get too dizzy in there. But that's a small price to pay for beauty! No, I am not vain! A girl's gotta have somethin'.

"Forget the former things, see I am doing a new thing...I will make a way in the wilderness and streams in the desert" (my paraphrase from Isaiah 43)

It's Easter and I am....

Thankful for: (in no particular order)

• The sun is shining
• The SON is shining
• My kids, David and Ellie
• Family
• Friends
• God's Word
• Peace within me, not the world-peace kind
• Sense of humor
• A home, more than we need, even now
• Grace & Mercy that really are new every morning. I wouldn't be so "patient" with me
• A laptop so I can stay connected to the outside world even on days when I can't leave home. Which is often
• People who are REAL. Can't stand fake people. (that's not very tolerant, but, oh well...)
• Those who do my grocery shopping
• Those who just call while they are in the store and ask if we need anything
• Meals
• Visitors
• The ability to hold my kids. See my kids. Talk to my kids. (there are lots of things I can't do, but there are more things I CAN do.)
• Power of prayer
• Jesus!

Ramblings from The Perch

Just some things I want to get written down. Went to see the counselor last Thursday. She was wonderful. I was already pretty sure she was the one that God wanted me to see but He really confirmed it for me once I was there. I don't know about the rest of you but I'm kind of a "first impression" kind of a person (that might be wrong, but that's just the way I am). She "looked" like someone I could relate to; her name is Laura (my best friend died 3 years ago and her name was Laura); she opened in prayer (she prays like me); she went to college in my the town my dad was born and raised in (and he is buried there); the list goes on and on. But then...I told her that I KNEW my marriage was going to be restored and she asked how I knew it. So I told her about the verse from from Isaiah that God had given me for my marriage about bringing beauty from ashes. I explained that I knew the verse was not referring to marriage but that when I was doing a Beth Moore study God spoke into my spirit that I was to claim that for my marriage. I looked over at Laura, my counselor, and she is fanning herself with a flier about her practice and she says she has chills. She proceeds to tell me that they have JUST finished this new flier and opens it and begins reading and there it is....my verse...BEAUTY FROM ASHES. Thank you Jesus! You are amazing!

Things are still the same around home. Don is still gone. My symptoms are still the same. But God is good and I know it. I just spent a couple of days with my sister-in-law visiting me. Which never would have happened if I wasn't sick and if I wasn't separated. God is using the "yuck" to bring about "good". I will pray more specifically for their family now. Should have been praying more anyway but I get so caught up in myself.

Can I think of something just fun to write about. David's teeth look amazing. He is so proud to have his braces off. He is working hard to raise money for his mission trip to Mexico this summer and is well on his way. I pray that it will be a life changing experience for him. How could it not be. It will also give him time to spend with some quality guys and men who can begin pouring into him and building him up to remind him of all that he is all that God has planned for him. Ellie is also doing great. She really loves the Lord and desires to do the right thing. I pray that that they will both come around to forgive their dad and see him as a man that needs a savior. They need a father and their father needs a Father!

Tomorrow is Easter. I have not spent an Easter without my husband in seventeen years. What will be more strange is not being in church because of the illness. But Christ will meet me where I am. Wherever I am. HE IS RISEN! (I always thought that was so hokey and I just wrote it, who am I becoming...)

Get OUT of Here...

I don't know who Satan thinks he is trying to mess with right now but he's messin' with the wrong person. All of a sudden I realized my mind was going down a path it hadn't been down in a long time and I was worrying. Where did that come from? Aha...Satan is at it again. Same old tricks. He's not very creative, so he uses the same tactics on me every time. Gets me to think the worst possible scenarios will come true. I am rebuking him out loud! And claiming victory. (any minute the kids will probably come running out wondering what has happened to their mother...it is 11:30 pm) Oh well, a girl has to do what a girl has to do. And I'm sick of Satan thinking he can get to me. The Lord has told me that He will bring beauty from ashes in my marriage and I am going to stand on that. I cannot control what Don is doing while we live apart but I can trust him into God's hands and that is what I choose to do right now. HA Satan, take that! Boy, I sound stupid.

Tomorrow is a really busy day for us and one of those days where it hits me that I am not well and how much I am dependent on others. David is getting his braces off after 2 years. He is so excited (but I can't be there). I will be at my first counseling session with my new counselor. So my mom will drive me, my dad will drive David. One of my friends will pick David up when he is done. You know, all those things moms usually do but now I lean on others. It's okay, but it's a reminder once again that I am not well. At least for now.

I love the Book of Isaiah. It has been one of my favorite books of the Bible ever since the first time I did Breaking Free by Beth Moore many years ago. (I have done the study at least 5 times). It is a desire of mine to just read back through that book with no intentions other than to hear what God has to say to me. It is rich with words that I need to hear, I know that. I just need to be in His Word - period. Why is that so hard for me to figure out? I am still praying to know Him better, love Him more, and trust Him completely.

What is the Story?

I just feel like rambling today. So much in my brain yet so little seems worthwhile to write about. Well, this is just for me anyway. Although I saw the "hit counter" and someone must be looking.EDIT: And if you are reading: please post. It's nice to feel connected. Oh well...God is up to something. Isn't He always? Would you want to know what He is up to if you could? I don't know if I would. Sometimes I think it would help to know the end of the story and then maybe it would help as I'm going through the process. But what if the end of the story isn't the ending I want? How do I know what I want anyway? See what I mean by rambling...

Physically feeling "decent". Waiting for those days that I can do all those things that most moms complain about. Grocery shopping. Laundry. Scrubbing the floor. Cooking. Vacuuming. Dusting. Cleaning bathrooms. Driving kids everywhere. It is not that I have not done them at all in the past 10 months it is just that I haven't done them very often and when I have it has been with a lot of effort. I am holding on to hope that God will give me courage and ability to lead life in my "new normal".

Emotionally feeling at peace and that seems weird and wrong. Don and I have been separated 3 weeks. I am praying he seeks counseling. That God will intervene in a powerful way. That God will restore the years the locust have eaten in our family. My heart's desire is that our family will one day be restored but for now...for this time, we will live apart and the kids and I are at peace and healing. I love you, Don. But this is the way it has to be until you trust the Lord with the pain you're holding onto.

This Perch I'm on has become my friend. I no longer look at it with disdain and wish my life were different. This perch has taught me many lessons, brought me many friends, shown me the needs around me. Who would have thought that I would have been sitting on The Perch for 10 months? I don't know how much longer I'll be here. But it won't be wasted. God continues to lead me to many different blogs and burdens me to pray for people as if I really know them. Maybe that's why I'm here. I don't know the end of the story......yet.

It's Hard

Wow, this is hard. It's all just so hard. Hard being sick. Hard being separated. Being a "single mom" and being sick. Hard trusting the Lord and knowing that I'm hearing Him right. Hard spending time time with God even though I've got nothing but time. How is that even possible. It's like, I've got all the time in the world and so many days I just don't get around to it. I read "The Shack" recently and it really made me think about how much more there is to this christian walk than I have been experiencing. So much more that Christ wants to give me, the fullness of life in Him. But how? How do I get that? To live my life in Him and through Him and not just cry out when I am desperate.


Life is hard. But then again this isn't all there is. I am slowly learning to remember to put things into eternal perspective. This life is but a 'blip', this is not what it is all about. It sure feels like it some days though. But this is just prepartion for what God really has in store. If only I could keep that mind-set.

Now for some good things. I have actually had a few "decent" days physically. I helped to organize a huge spa day fundraiser for the Mission to Mexico trip this summer. It was a big success and we raised over $4500. God was so good and He allowed me to be able to go and be there both days. When you have been home-bound as long as I have that is a miracle.

I don't know what lies ahead for our family. Will our family be restored? Will Don and I work out our marriage? Will he get the help and healing he needs? I don't know. But I do know that I begin counseling this week. I know the kids and I are doing well. God is trustworthy and loves us. We have great family and friends. I do know that whatever happens God is ultimately in control and boy am I grateful for that. If anyone besides me is reading this, please continue to pray for us, and pray for my "friends" that I don't know David & Christin-you can read about them here. (I really don't even know them but I feel compelled to pray)

Pain

I don't even know them, yet I cry. That couple I talked about in my last post waiting for surgery. Well it didn't go well. That's an understatement. It went horribly. David is 32, and he will live his life with 2 bags. I say "live his life". I bet he will agree for awhile that that's not living a life at all. I don't know what it's like to have cancer. To have your insides ripped out. To have 2 bags. But I do know what it feels like to not live life.

These past 9 months of dealing with the vestibular neuritis have not really felt like living. Well there have been some decent days where people have come by and have enjoyed their company. But it wasn't "MY LIFE". I was so frustrated the other day when I couldn't shop for myself, but I've already said that a million times. I want to get in the car, go do things with the kids, shop, eat out, go to church, walk without feeling like I'm going to fall over, feel good, just live my life again. It's hard getting used to a "new normal".

And now my "new normal" also includes the separation. It has now been almost 3 weeks since Don and I have been separated. I don't know how long it will take to work things out or if it will ever work out but it is an adjustment. But there is peace. God is in it! Lord I pray for healing. I pray for Christin and David, who I will never meet this side of heaven. Only you know their needs, I don't even begin to imagine to know what to pray for them so I just lift them to you and ask that you meet their needs at this moment. Continue to bring healing in my own life and in my familiy. You are the great physician. All this pain was never your plan. Help us to trust. Show yourself in a huge way!

Trading Places

I've been telling God I'd do anything to get well and then I read this. Go there check it out! Right now. I don't even know how I first got there. (well sure I do, God led me there). It's all about the journey of an amazing young couple. As I am typing this (Wed, March 12, 7:30 EST) David is getting ready to go into surgery. Cancer has returned to ravage his body for the second time. He is 32. They do not know the outcome. I mean, they do not know what he will or will not come out with. His precious wife, Christin has said a couple of times...he's only 32 not 82. (he may come out with 2 bags)

Over the past 9 months I have felt 82 because of my physical limitations in not being able to leave the house easily. I don't know...if I had a bag and I had my balance? If I had no hearing but I had my balance? If I had no friends but had my balance? If I had cancer but had my balance? Would I have a life because I could go out into the world and enjoy it?

Well that's not my life. Can't trade places. Wouldn't trade places. This is what God gave me. And for some very bizarre reason cancer is what God gave to David and Christin (twice). Father I am praying for them right now like I know them. I am begging for a miracle. May your hands be the hands that guide the surgeons today. May your wisdom be within their minds before they make ANY decision. May your arms be felt around Christin and each member of that family. May your will and your peace prevail. We don't know your ways Lord. Help us to trust!

Know.Trust.Love

I just want to be able to take care of myself. Do my own grocery shopping. Clean my house without effort. Simple things, yet for me - today - things that I cannot do. Having others do for me is so much harder. It takes a lot more work. I just want to get up and do it myself. Frustrated. That's what I am. Just plain old frustrated!! And weary, so very, very weary. Day after day it's all the same. I open my eyes in the morning and my first thought is "how am I going to feel today, is it going to be a bad one?" I am controlled by my circumstances. And I don't want to be.

Tears come easily these days. Not really even sure what kind of tears they are. Tears when I think of Stu reaching out to Don. Just because of all that Stu has been through, yet he is willing to pour into us so that MAYBE our marriage can be saved. Tears when I think of the hurt pent up in the souls of my kids. Physical hurt can be seen and more easily healed, but the soul hurt sometimes doesn't make it to the surface. Oh the pain I feel for D&E. Father I pray for their healing from the inside out. And then the tears of frustration. I just want to be well. Lord, I want to be well!!

No doubt you direct my path each day, nothing is by accident. I've been led to so many blogs and then not known how I got there in the first place but I know YOU are in that. Thank you for the perspective it gives me. Even if for a moment. Lord, bind up our broken hearts. Give Don the Spirit of wisdom and revelation. May we not hinder your work in our lives in any way.

I Think I Might Need Sunglasses

When I ask to see you, Lord, it is almost more than I can take in. It is all coming at me so fast I've got to write it down or I will forget. Yesterday as I was led to finally write to S&V and ask them for their prayer and their counsel. Then to get a response so quickly. They know exactly where we are in our marriage. They've been there and they give me hope. Thank you, Lord that S will make contact with Don.

I've been praying that God would show me just the right counselor that we all need. For now it will just be the kids and I but in time maybe Don will be open to it also. Anyway, I've not felt led to anyone that's been suggested. Just didn't get that "feeling" that this is the one. Today I open our local "what's new in town" and on the front page an article about a new christian counselor. She specializes in all the things we need. ALL the things. I've emailed her (it's Saturday) and she's responded twice already.

I told her about my illness and that I might not be able to keep an appointment. I told her I have "bilateral vestibular neuritis" and it leaves me in a state of almost constant imbalance. And do you know what she says? She says..."I know someone else with the same situation, Bless You"" WHOA!!!! What are the chances of that? Zero. Unless of course God is on your team.

Keep my eyes open Lord. I don't want to miss a single thing. You are amazing! Thanks for still caring about me after all the time I spent only caring about myself. Thanks for allowing me the privilege of parenting those two amazing kids. Thanks for helping D to open up to me today on what he's feeling. Keep my eyes open Lord!

Seeing You

Sometimes I read over my journal entries (which I have been keeping for years and years) and I think "who is that"? Some of it seems fake. Sometimes I feel sorry for that girl, for that woman? Other times I want what she has and then I remember I am her, just not all on the same day. There are days that I really am THAT close to Jesus. Then the next day I struggle to read my Bible or write two sentences in my journal. But I'm still me, He still loves me and we're still in this together.

I don't want to miss the lessons in everything that's happening right now. I keep saying it over and over but I mean it. There is SO much hurt involved, I would hate to see it wasted and produce nothing good. I am watching God weave together so many situations and people as they come together to try and help the kids and me. Praying. Crying. Being angry for me.Being silent when there is just simply nothing to say. There is so much damage done that we know only God can restore. I believe He will and I don't want to miss a single piece of the masterpiece he is putting together. It will be beautiful.

Father I beg you to hold us tighter today. Be a father to the kids right now when they don't have one and a husband to me. Pour your love into us that we may know who we are in you and not believe the lies we've been told. Usually I ask that you show yourself to us, but Lord you're already here, just let us see you..............

Am I A Light?

Even in this present darkness, am I still a light? Oh I try to find some joy in each day. The days can be very long when you're unable to leave home. God has taken me from active and always on the go to "stillness" and there is a reason. But am I a light? These are rough days. Lonely. Sometimes anger filled. Anxious. Surprised. Questioning.Stable yet unstable. But am I a light? The light should shine no matter the circumstances.

I remember writing in my journal back in the summer when I thought this illness was just a passing thing (oh how naive I was) that my joy was circumstantial. I don't want circumstantial joy. I just want joy.

Not to be so easily moved. More like a rock than a tree swaying in the wind that is moved by the things happening around it. I want to be solid. What happens around me will happen, don't get caught up in it. Am I A Light? Make it brighter.........

Do You Hear Me?

The Lord is speaking loudly, or is it a whisper. I don't even know any more. I know He is speaking to me but I just want to be sure I get it right. So many changes. Some I'm not even sure would be scriptural but they are necessary for survivial. We are alone for now. The kids and me. My prayer is that a very tough time apart will result in a stronger family once there is healing. And I don't mean my physical healing I mean healing for our family. I do believe that my physical illness may play a role in Don getting the help he needs to heal himself and become the man I know he can be and the man I know that God is calling him to be.

"Beauty from Ashes". I KNOW that God gave me that verse as a promise to claim for my marriage many years ago and I am going to cling to that. There's not much else to cling to right now anyway.

Waiting for healing on all sides. As I'm only writing this for myself anyway, it is a good reminder. I am waiting. Just sit back, wait, Sheryl, and see what God will do. Trust. Period.