Friday, March 28, 2008

I'm Jealous

There, I said it! I. Am. Jealous! My dad came to pick up Ellie for school today, which he does every day and he told me had no plans for the day so if I needed anything, give him a call. I responded that I would probably be spending the day in bed. (I was very symptomatic yesterday and can feel it already today). Anyway, he said he wishes he could do the same thing. I proceed to tell him..."well, I wish I didn't have to. I wish I could do all the things everybody is complaining about, scrub the toilets, scrub the floor, go to the grocery store! But, oh no they complain, while I am dying to do those things!" Well, my dad didn't need to hear my rant this morning and he didn't need to feel badly for saying he'd like to stay in bed all day. It was a natural response to what I said. But I am still jealous!!

At the end of school today, spring break begins. Around here, EVERYONE leaves. Actually by now almost everyone is gone...Mexico, Florida, Hilton Head, cruises, etc. And here we are sitting at home like every other day, without the option of going anywhere because mom can't do anything! And I. Am. Jealous. Not really jealous that they are all gone just that they have the option and some seem not to realize how fortunate they are.

And I cry. Haven't cried much. But today, they come. Tears of frustration. Tears of just pure feelin' sorry for myself. That's it, I feel sorry for myself. It's a lot for one person to handle alone. Always alone. Someone called the other night, realizing that my kids are always gone that night and said "oh, I am so sorry I am just realizing that you spend this evening all alone". Well I spend almost all of my time alone so one more evening doesn't really seem to matter. There are those days when people stop by and I AM GRATEFUL!! But most of my time is spent alone. I need to make better use of that time. But today I am giving myself this day to be jealous and to cry.


SweetPea said...

I thought your dad died when you were 9? Is this a step-daddy that raised you from 9 up? Just curious.

Anonymous said...

oh i have been here and done that girl!

i can totally relate!!!!!

it's so hard not to be jealous everyone else seems to just be able to go about their life and do all the things you and i so want to do too!!!

but HE has a plan for us.

and it is an AMAZING one!!!

and that my sweet friend, is the beauty of it all.

our suffering is for a divine purpose!!!!!

and He promises us healing :)

I just did a study on healing and He totally blessed me with all His awesome Promises on healing :)

i will have to share with you some of the many scriptures He poured into my heart.

you will LOVE them all :)